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Sex, drugs and rock and roll without the sex and rock and roll!

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Sex, drugs and rock and roll without the sex and rock and roll!

Old 01-05-2019, 06:05 PM
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Default Sex, drugs and rock and roll without the sex and rock and roll!

I know this is a subject that affects people in many different ways but I thought it was necessary to at least put my story out as a cautionary Tale and maybe give some motivation for someone else similarly situated to move on and improve their life.

My journey into the world of drug addiction started in a relatively innocuous manner. In 2008 I was prescribed painkillers for a cervical spine issue that I had related to a boat racing accident. For many months I rarely took any medication because of my fear of narcotics. But what eventually ended up happening was I lost that fear and in losing that fear my use started the climb.

By 2010 I was using prescribed narcotics on a daily basis. This was partially due to pain but mostly due to the mental relief it gave me from the stresses of litigation. You see, lawyers have nearly double the statistical occurance of alc/substance abuse compared to the average person. Yup, those of us with doctorate degrees and years of solving other's problems are unable fix our own.

By 2012 I was in full blown addiction and finally went to my doctor and confessed. I was tapered down for a month and then spent 5 days fairly sick. I made 120 days before relapsing. I know now that the reason for relapse was because I never received any formal counseling in the area of addiction and or recovery. Without learning why we do the things we do and how to offset or change our lifestyles through professional help we are doomed to repeat the cycle over and over again.

By 2013 I was back in active addiction but this time I going to another doctor who provided me essentially with anything that I wanted. As long as I had cash he had a script pad and he was ready to write anything. I ended up progressing from vicodin to oxycodone essentially jumping from the frying pan Into the Fire. I used oxycodone until 2017 when I was introduced to Dilaudid. As some of you may know It is only truly effective when it's injected not swallowed. Once I was showed how to take an insulin needle and inject into my vein a compound of water and crushed up Dilaudid drawn through a cotton my world changed forever. I'm not going to lie in many ways it was the best feeling I've ever felt. What I didn't realize was I just put my foot on the banana peel and I was going down the hill at a hundred miles an hour towards my ultimate demise.

After using in this manner all through 2017 and in 2018 my life had become completely unmanageable. I was not attentive to my clients, I was missing court dates and more importantly I would run from my family to get back to Florida to score more drugs. And to supplement my use I started using cocaine in copious amounts. My daily routine was I would get low with opiates and get high with Coke, get low with opiates get high with Coke essentially speedballing. In times of being unable two-score Pharmaceuticals I turned to Black Market heroin.

By August of 2018 I went from 305 lb down to 208lbs, my suits no longer fit. In fact I looked like a homeless person and somehow or another in my addicted mind I thought that I looked good. What was really happening was I was dying and each night I came closer and closer to overdosing until eventually I returned home and my wife took one look at me and realized that there was something seriously wrong. It was her and the friends she had that were in the recovery business that literally performed intervention and saved my life.

I was immediately sent to a 30-day inpatient program. When I got to that program I was physically so ill from the things I have done to myself that I ended up spending a week in the hospital trying to recover and deal with newly acquired diabetes.

After being released from the hospital I was not allowed to go back to the 30 day program so I went and found another program which was actually 90 days which I enrolled in at the beginning November. I'm now in my 9th week of this program and I can tell you that for the first time in my life I actually have the tools to not only stay sober but to potentially help other people understand what I went through, understand what they're going through, and help them recover as well. It doesn't matter whether your drug of choice is alcohol or narcotics the fact remains that we as addicts function in the complete same way. It is my honest opinion it is very very difficult to you have any meaningful recovery without the assistance of professional help. It is in my program that I learned to become humble, to be honest, and most importantly to put the needs of others before myself selfish desires. As they say in AA / na it is virtually impossible to have any meaningful recovery without a higher power guiding you in your life.

This was a very foreign concept to me because I have been non-religious all of my life. But I can say that since I have accepted a higher power into my life and allowed this higher power to guide my decisions and the things that I do my life in recovery has improved exponentially. I've damaged a lot of people in my life, I've hurt my family incredibly, and I ruined my career. But, I recognize now that the only place left for me to have gone in active addiction was to the Grave.

When my wife finally left me she told me an analogy. She said that she loved me so much but she could no longer watch. She said it was like having your dog get loose on the highway. You scream and yell but the dog keeps almost getting killed until you just can't watch anymore. She said that she had to just turn her back and move on. This is Al/Anon stuff that she learned.

When I got back here on November 1 I had driven my new truck from Florida. I got 30 min from my home in Co. And fell asleep behind the wheel and crashed. No insurance either. $75k truck and I dont even have money to pay the storage bill. That will be lost next week. Powerless. Then 2 nights later my 17 year old drove my wife's new car over to see me and he flipped it hurting himself and my 13 year old. To say I started out back here on the wrong foot is an understatement. I literally got all of my stuff thrown in the road, run over by trucks and destroyed. My Mom picked me up at the wrecker yard and all I had left was the clothes on my back and two changes.

My wife told me that after 26 years divorce was inevitable. I was not allowed to pick my kids up at school, not allowed near her house and our communications were terse at best. I was still being an asshole. All I could do at this point was lean into my program. I suited up, showed up and kept my lawyer mouth shut and my addict ears open and it started to happen. I started to work the steps, I got a hardass "been there, done that" sponsor and I go to a meeting every day. I also attend my rehab. Soon enough when I stopped trying to run the world and just let my recovery work. Things started to get better. I was slowly unfucking my life and my relationships.

As I type this post I am sitting in my wife's livingroom with my wife and boys. She is starting to trust me again, starting not be afraid to love me and most importantly starting to understand that this is a brain disease not an issue of willpower. My brain is broken, mending, but broken. My boys for so long just wanted me in jail!! They told me that I would be safe there and that they could sleep. How fucked up is that? I put them through the worst hell there is....... loving someone so much and being petrified that I was going to die. My wife told me that when the phone would ring from Florida she was sure it was "the call" that I was found OD'd. Good news is that my boys are like new people! The weight has been lifted, they can be kids again.

Needless to say life is getting better. I am not sure what the future holds but I do know that whatever shit is in the pipeline I will be ready to man the fuck up and deal with it in an accountable, honest and forthright manner. All I can do is be the best person I can be, to put others needs before my selfish desires and to be of service to my world. Step 12. I want to live it. Not there yet, but I will be.

Sorry for the info dump. I have been on this forum since my first Proline 17 all the way through 7 Yellowfins, 3 Cigarettes and numerous exotic cars. Now I am back to zero.... but I am happy with who I am becoming. Anyways, feel free to ask questions.

Last edited by Brett1; 01-06-2019 at 05:44 AM.
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Old 01-05-2019, 06:12 PM
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Even before you started I figured it was prescribed pain killers that lead to addiction and illegal drugs. You are not alone. Good luck with your recovery.
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Old 01-05-2019, 06:17 PM
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Praying for you, hang in there.

Doug
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Old 01-05-2019, 06:25 PM
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Takes guts to throw it all out there. Stay the course.
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Old 01-05-2019, 06:26 PM
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Credit to you for putting it out there.

My BIL is nine months clean and sober right now, his longest stretch in a decade. I'm afraid he hasn't truly hit bottom. Sounds like you did, and you'll get through it.

Stay positive, stay strong.
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Old 01-05-2019, 06:27 PM
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Originally Posted by BOSBoatMan View Post
Takes guts to throw it all out there. Stay the course.
There is no shame in getting better.
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Old 01-05-2019, 06:29 PM
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I admire your brutal honesty.
It seems you have NOT lost it all yet but it doesn't sound like you will get a third chance. Remember that and what is really important to you.
stay strong on day at a time.
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Old 01-05-2019, 06:30 PM
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Wow, thanks for sharing. Good luck with your recovery.
if you could go back and talk to yourself in 2014 what would you tell yourself?
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Old 01-05-2019, 06:31 PM
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Awesome to hear from you. I wondered where you disappeared to. Your 36 Yf had me on a mission to get a similar sled. It’s always good to learn from others so thank you for sharing. - Brian
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Old 01-05-2019, 06:31 PM
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Originally Posted by strange View Post
Wow, thanks for sharing. Good luck with your recovery.
if you could go back and talk to yourself in 2014 what would you tell yourself?
I would say that getting professional help is the key.
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Old 01-05-2019, 06:35 PM
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Originally Posted by BOSBoatMan View Post
Takes guts to throw it all out there. Stay the course.
Indeed it does. Pray that your and family's recovery continues.
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Old 01-05-2019, 06:43 PM
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A lot of tears while putting that in black and white. I still hurt inside but not nearly as much as the people that loved me.
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Last edited by Brett1; 01-06-2019 at 10:16 AM.
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Old 01-05-2019, 06:49 PM
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Brett1, so glad you are on the road to recovery. I will be praying for you. And you are right, there is a higher power, his name is Jesus. There will always be trials and testings in your life whether you serve God or not but I will tell you giving your life to him will make it way easier than if you try to do it on your own. God bless.
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Old 01-05-2019, 06:58 PM
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Brett, thanks for the story. I really don't think people understand the power that drugs have over people. Here is hoping you the best
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Old 01-05-2019, 07:04 PM
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AWESOME that you have gotten turned around before there was NO turn around. Stay strong brother. Praying for you and your family.
I remember you from way back as we have both been "here" ( THT) for quite sometime.
Again praying for you and your family. You got this!
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Old 01-05-2019, 07:21 PM
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Originally Posted by savedbygrace6868 View Post
Brett1, so glad you are on the road to recovery. I will be praying for you. And you are right, there is a higher power, his name is Jesus. There will always be trials and testings in your life whether you serve God or not but I will tell you giving your life to him will make it way easier than if you try to do it on your own. God bless.
I can't do it on my own. All addiction starts with a spiritual malady and spins from there. If I cannot keep my spiritual house in order I am doomed. My higher power may not be called Jesus but I suspect they confer regularly!
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Old 01-05-2019, 07:39 PM
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Originally Posted by Brett1 View Post
As I type this post I am sitting in my livingroom with my wife and boys.
This might be my favorite sentence seen on THT. I haven't been through what you have, but I would imagine wife and boys could be powerful motivation to stay the steady path. Good luck and thanks for sharing!
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Old 01-05-2019, 07:41 PM
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Originally Posted by Brett1 View Post
I can't do it on my own. All addiction starts with a spiritual malady and spins from there. If I cannot keep my spiritual house in order I am doomed. My higher power may not be called Jesus but I suspect they confer regularly!
Stay strong. I have an acquaintance that went through (is still going through, do you ever get out?) what you are. We all come from different places but share the same goals...
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Old 01-05-2019, 07:51 PM
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Your story hits home. Very close.

My brither - like you- was given pills for some dental work.
That went all that to heroin.

He he was arrested on 4/13/14 for the first time (day my daughter was born) and is STILL on it to this day

hes 25 and living at home.
Weve been thru the interventions, the numerous detox’s and rehabs. All for him to leave either 48-72 hours

its Just a matter of time before he gets arrested -again - for a fine - our jails are overfilled - or dead from an OD

i applaud you you for staying clean !!!!
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Old 01-05-2019, 07:58 PM
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You can (and did) turn to your brothers on THT.
There is a lot of ball busting here but when someone really needs another to lean on or to spill their guts, we are here for them.
Prayers that you continue on the path to wellness.


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