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Parents Marriage Issue

Old 08-29-2017, 06:16 AM
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Default Parents Marriage Issue

I will preface this by saying I originally asked both my parents not to put me or my family in the middle of anything. That hasn't quite worked out well.

My parents have for a long time lived under the same roof but seem to act individually in their daily lives. More living together but not in a way most married couples act. They also have crap for communication with each other.

Come to find out my parents marriage is on the rocks. Mom thinks my father has been cheating on her and the things I have found out tells me her accusations may not be entirely unfounded. Some of the things she has said she found out just doesn't sound like anything a husband should be doing or saying to another woman. My issue is I am not sure what to do. Before finding out more and more I told them both, I am here for either of them if they need to talk or that my house is open if one of them wants to get away for a bit. My father has almost taken me up on this offer which has pissed my mother off. Understand I made this offer before finding out what all was causing their current issue. Now I am in a position where I love both my parents, I was raised never to leave a family member out to dry, but I am also pissed at how my father has treated my mother in some instances.

Whats the collective got in advice?
Old 08-29-2017, 06:18 AM
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They are your parents; forgive them both. People don't always get along forever.
Old 08-29-2017, 06:22 AM
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Originally Posted by olsaltydog View Post
I will preface this by saying I originally asked both my parents not to put me or my family in the middle of anything. That hasn't quite worked out well.

My parents have for a long time lived under the same roof but seem to act individually in their daily lives. More living together but not in a way most married couples act. They also have crap for communication with each other.

Come to find out my parents marriage is on the rocks. Mom thinks my father has been cheating on her and the things I have found out tells me her accusations may not be entirely unfounded. Some of the things she has said she found out just doesn't sound like anything a husband should be doing or saying to another woman. My issue is I am not sure what to do. Before finding out more and more I told them both, I am here for either of them if they need to talk or that my house is open if one of them wants to get away for a bit. My father has almost taken me up on this offer which has pissed my mother off. Understand I made this offer before finding out what all was causing their current issue. Now I am in a position where I love both my parents, I was raised never to leave a family member out to dry, but I am also pissed at how my father has treated my mother in some instances.

Whats the collective got in advice?
I think you're doing what any educated child should do. Offering either one a safe space at their will is very noble.
Old 08-29-2017, 06:23 AM
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Well I get that, I am not trying to end any relationship with either of them. Guess I am mad at my father as that is not how he raised my or my brothers, but here he is. I also am trying to avoid making my mother feel like I am taking sides. I don't have much in common with my mother, but I spend alot of time with my father hunting/fishing and other outdoor things. At this point I feel my actions with either of them will put me at odds with the other parent. Should have did what my brothers did and moved down to Florida, that way I would not be in the same town.
Old 08-29-2017, 06:27 AM
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Bite your tongue until somebody asks you for advice...might be the safest approach. Remember that any and all advice you give can be spun and then thrown into the face of the other party, with credit for that spun version placed on you.

Your statement about not wanting to be in the middle is your best bet. Good luck.
Old 08-29-2017, 06:31 AM
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Tough situation, but before you get upset with either parent be sure you know both sides of the story.
Old 08-29-2017, 06:33 AM
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Maybe you're the reason mommy and daddy hate each other.
Old 08-29-2017, 06:37 AM
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Over, way over
Old 08-29-2017, 06:38 AM
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My dad cheated on my mom and they got divorced. I did not talk to him for awhile because I was upset at him. We ended up clearing the air and I am glad we did because he died in a car accident at age 42 not long after. If I had stayed mad at him that would still haunt me to this day. They are the only parents you have so be there for them but still love and cherish the one set you have.
Old 08-29-2017, 06:39 AM
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I get you not wanting to be in the middle, but you might as well embrace it because you are and will be as this thing plays out. I was the youngest of four and my parents got divorced during my senior year of college. I had already moved out but lived in the same area. Every day when I got out of class and before going to work I'd go by my place to find messages on my answering machine (early 90's before voicemail and cell phones) from each of them asking me to tell the other one something. Every. Day.

As hard as I tried to not take sides and keep up a good relationship with both of them, inevitably my dad decided I was on her side. Our relationship went south and still isn't great today...25 years later.

So I can't really offer you any advice except keep an open mind and try not to judge or take sides. You can be a sounding board for both without being judgemental. If your dad is stepping out there may be a valid reason. Women these days of all ages have been "liberated" to not need men, and thus many have chosen to not fulfill their part of the marriage. In any case, I don't envy your position. Good luck. Family stuff sucks sometimes.
Old 08-29-2017, 06:41 AM
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Originally Posted by bugnut View Post
Maybe you're the reason mommy and daddy hate each other.
LOL, They could have used that excuse years ago, not when I been out of the house for almost two decades.
Old 08-29-2017, 06:48 AM
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Originally Posted by bamaboy473 View Post
Bite your tongue until somebody asks you for advice...might be the safest approach. Remember that any and all advice you give can be spun and then thrown into the face of the other party, with credit for that spun version placed on you.

Your statement about not wanting to be in the middle is your best bet. Good luck.
I have considered that as well. It has already happened but nothing can come back to me or at least neither would think twice about throwing it into my face.
Old 08-29-2017, 06:49 AM
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Do your best to stay out of it all together.
Old 08-29-2017, 06:52 AM
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Originally Posted by olsaltydog View Post
LOL, They could have used that excuse years ago, not when I been out of the house for almost two decades.
You abandoned them 2 decades ago and just let them fend for themselves ?

All alone without you living there ? .............Ruthless !

What did you expect ?

You could have at least left them some puppy dogs and unicorns.
Old 08-29-2017, 06:54 AM
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Pics. of mom and dad's girlfriend?










Old 08-29-2017, 06:55 AM
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I think your offer to each was noble but not the best thing to do. I personally think you should issue a disclaimer to both that you will not get involved with the drama associated with their issues and if they are truly not married, but just room mates, they should officially end the marriage and get on with their lives.

Not helping family does not mean you are obligated to become a punching bag. Eventually you will be caught in the ping pong match and your head will be the ball.

Back off
Old 08-29-2017, 06:55 AM
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Marlin and Doobs, thanks. The first thing I told both parents is they don't communicate. The lack of communication is going to be a big issue for them and recommended they both go speak to a therapist or counselor or whatever. Together or individually, might need to do both. Someone experienced in this stuff, not directly involved, and someone they feel they can be honest to work things out with.
Old 08-29-2017, 06:55 AM
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Originally Posted by Garett View Post
Now where on earth could you possibly get a notion like that - THT?


Now, that's funny!
Old 08-29-2017, 06:57 AM
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Yeah. My dad cheated on my mom... multiple times and they got divorced. Did not talk to him for a few years. Took a long time to stomach the way he went about it. We are very close now. People make mistakes especially when they are unhappy. Forgive and been there for them both. Good luck.
Old 08-29-2017, 06:57 AM
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Originally Posted by Fish_Heads View Post
You abandoned them 2 decades ago and just let them fend for themselves ?

All alone without you living there ? .............Ruthless !

What did you expect ?

You could have at least left them some puppy dogs and unicorns.
I am a millennial, this is not how it's supposed to work. I should have stayed home, you know, to save up money or something.

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