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Funny/Odd instructions from your wife

Old 02-06-2017, 09:53 AM
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Default Funny/Odd instructions from your wife

What are some of the best ones that you have heard from your wife?

"Could you sweep the kitchen floor? The cleaning lady is coming over and I don't want her to see the dust." - I've heard this one in various forms over the years.

And then I heard this one on Saturday...


"Don't use that bathroom! I just put the good toilet paper in there."
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Old 02-06-2017, 10:01 AM
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Turn the shower head a little, you are getting water on the tile floor.

(I thought that's why we put down a tile floor)
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Old 02-06-2017, 10:01 AM
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We have a whole stack of towels in our linen closet that are reserved for some future event that I've not yet been informed of. They aren't the guest towels......those have a different stack. I use one every so often when the approved towels are all dirty....just to see if I will get yelled at.
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Old 02-06-2017, 10:07 AM
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Me: "it's not starting" (insert and mechanical devise)

Wife: "why not? What's wrong with it?"

Me: (thinking only) If I knew the mother****** would be running!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 02-06-2017, 10:14 AM
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In Virginia you need to have a Boat Lic. to operate a boat. I made the mistake of having my wife take the course so now she knows everything about boating. Her "your going on the wrong side of that marker" Me "Yes, I know the water is 20 foot deep on this side so we are fine". Wife "how do you know"
me "because we have been running our boat in this river for 15 years and we have done this 1000 time" wife "ok, if you say so".
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Old 02-06-2017, 10:19 AM
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Originally Posted by Strike1 View Post
What are some of the best ones that you have heard from your wife?

"Could you sweep the kitchen floor? The cleaning lady is coming over and I don't want her to see the dust." - I've heard this one in various forms over the years.

And then I heard this one on Saturday...


"Don't use that bathroom! I just put the good toilet paper in there."
Sounds like my wife. She has to clean the house before the cleaning lady comes over.

And the TP, we have to have "Charmin Super Soft" at my house.
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Old 02-06-2017, 10:37 AM
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Originally Posted by STEELA View Post
Me: "it's not starting" (insert and mechanical devise)

Wife: "why not? What's wrong with it?"

Me: (thinking only) If I knew the mother****** would be running!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OUTSTANDING!!!
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Old 02-06-2017, 10:47 AM
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Originally Posted by STEELA View Post
Me: "it's not starting" (insert and mechanical devise)

Wife: "why not? What's wrong with it?"

Me: (thinking only) If I knew the mother****** would be running!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Not to deral but...
The other day my wife gets in our Expedition(her daily driver). I am getting the dog situated for the day and finishing the last few things before we leave for work. She yells, it won't shift! I say what do you mean. She says it won't go in reverse and I am looking into the passenger side and see that she is pulling on the shifter but it won't move. So I tell her to let me in and she gets out. I hop in step on the brake and slide it into reverse no problem, same as always. I ask her, "were you stepping on the brake" and she says "I have to do that?" i say you drive this everyday, you always step on the brake when you shift, It won't shift otherwise. She says "Huh???.." I gave her a kiss and attributed it to pregnancy brain.
She hops in and away she goes.
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Old 02-06-2017, 10:56 AM
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Wife: "What are you doing?"
Me: "Loading the dish washer."
Wife: "You didn't wash them first."
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Old 02-06-2017, 11:02 AM
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Wife...what are you thinking about.
Me....if I wanted you to know my lips would have been moving.
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Old 02-06-2017, 11:07 AM
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Wife is sound asleep in the bed with the TV volume on 14.

I climb into bed, lower the volume to 10.....she stirs a little and says "Can you please lower it down, im trying to sleep?"

Happens about 3 nights per week.
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Old 02-06-2017, 11:25 AM
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"Make your own sandwich"
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Old 02-06-2017, 11:32 AM
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My wife is one of those that clean before the cleaning lady comes also, go figure....
I'll be in my shop sitting at my computer, she comes in and asks "whacha doing'??? What does it look like??
I'll be reloading and here she comes, "whacha loading"?? Shotgun shells, what does it look like I'm doing??
Sometimes I feel like the first words out of her mouth are "whacha doin"??? If she caught me beating off I'd bet she'd ask "whacha doin"???
Can't live without them, can't live with them......
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Old 02-06-2017, 12:05 PM
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Wife does the same thing with the cleaning lady. Couple of weeks ago I thought I'd be witty and use a line I'd heard a few years back. Went something like this
Wife: anything on TV tonight?
Me: Yep
Wife: well what's on it
Me: Dust, you must not have cleaned good enough before the maid got here.
A bit of time goes by....
Me: Are we eating tonight
Wife: have the maid go get you something.

Think I touched a nerve LOL
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Old 02-06-2017, 12:25 PM
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Originally Posted by BigO View Post
Wife does the same thing with the cleaning lady. Couple of weeks ago I thought I'd be witty and use a line I'd heard a few years back. Went something like this
Wife: anything on TV tonight?
Me: Yep
Wife: well what's on it
Me: Dust, you must not have cleaned good enough before the maid got here.
A bit of time goes by....
Me: Are we eating tonight
Wife: have the maid go get you something.

Think I touched a nerve LOL
Pics of wife and maid???
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Old 02-06-2017, 12:31 PM
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Her asking me something from another room and me saying huh?
We're both half deaf
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Old 02-06-2017, 12:33 PM
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Originally Posted by autobaun70 View Post
Pics of wife and maid???
Gigidity....
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Old 02-06-2017, 12:34 PM
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Originally Posted by autobaun70 View Post
Pics of wife and maid???
You probably don't want to see the maid. Pic's of wife means that someone is going to have to adopt me when she kicks me out of the house.
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Old 02-06-2017, 01:12 PM
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ALWAYS wants to clean the house top to bottom the day before we go out of town.


Who is going to be home to see it?
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Old 02-06-2017, 01:24 PM
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I once told my wife that I had bought a new fishing outfit.
She got all ticked off and wanted to know what was wrong with my old clothes.
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