Go Back  The Hull Truth - Boating and Fishing Forum > BOATING FORUMS > Dockside Chat
Reload this Page >

What's a good uncle?.......lengthy

Notices

What's a good uncle?.......lengthy

Old 11-06-2014, 11:44 AM
  #1  
Senior Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,330
Default What's a good uncle?.......lengthy

I'm struggling with this. Not much bothers me but this has been.
I don't have kids, neither does my brother, my sister has three. They are boy 9, boy 5, and girl about 4 months old.

Obviously they are my nephews. We'll call the oldest one John and the next one Billy. The infant doesn't really come into play yet. I didn't have much to do with them other than just coming around while the oldest was in diapers on bottle, etc...

A few years ago he started getting to the age that he was fun to do things with. I try to share my hobbies with him or just do things he thinks are fun. Fishing, boating, flying, car shows, movies, races, go karts etc..I also pay for and take him to jujitsu twice a week. Once a month he comes over for a sleep over with me and my fiancé. We have pizza night and he turns our whole game room into a fort. He gets sad when it's time to go.
Many of these things my sister and her husband will never be able to do with him. His dad isn't into much. He drinks beer on the weekend, watches football and bowls. Just not an adventuresome person. They also don't have the finances to do much.

Just over a year ago my brother in law wants a divorce. Right after they find out she's pregnant again with the girl. At my sisters request I went to consult with an attorney with her. I also dropped 3k down for his retainer for her. Her husband wrings the whole family out for a month, she's a wreck, kids are crying every day, dads not home, etc..
I grew closer with the oldest nephew during this. Then they decide to work things out, he comes home, they're still at it. Which I hope they do work it out. He found out six months ago I put up the money for the attorney and ever since things have been different.

At first it was, "you can't take john without billy". I'd say why. She started this the other one gets upset when he doesn't get to go. I'd tell her he's too young and tell him his day is coming, we weren't raised that way. Nevertheless I started including him as much as possible too. He started coming over for sleep over night too and that's fine.
Now for the last six months I barely see them at all. She always just tells me or my fiancé that they're busy. I take him to jujitsu on Tuesday only and this is really the only day I see him now.

I think her husband is part of this. I confronted her about it today. She just blew it off, "don't act like I don't want you to see the kids". I said you don't and I think your husband has something to do with it. They're not people to tackle issues or shoot straight about uncomfortable subjects. He would or will just deny anything I ask him.

I think he has a grudge towards me about the attorney. I also think he doesn't want me doing all these things or sharing these experiences with HIS SON.

Sorry about being long winded. I've never been recognized as being a fan of kids, but I love my nephews and miss them. My fiancé does too. Some days this bothers both of us. My uncle didn't have shit to do with me. Holidays only.

What's a good uncle? Am I trying to do too much with my nephews? Things that are for dads? I'm at a loss.
The Revenge is offline  
Old 11-06-2014, 11:49 AM
  #2  
Senior Member
 
oceanelectric1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: FloriDuh
Posts: 3,280
Default

It sounds like you are being a good Uncle, and your brother in law is being a Putz. Soon enough the boys will be old enough to tell Mom and Dad they want to hang out with you. Just keep on doing what you are doing.
oceanelectric1 is offline  
Old 11-06-2014, 11:53 AM
  #3  
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 1,102
Default

I agree totally.. Wish I had an uncle like you growing up.. Not much you can do about not seeing them though..
amofgreenville is offline  
Old 11-06-2014, 11:55 AM
  #4  
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Oakland, CA
Posts: 998
Default

Originally Posted by oceanelectric1 View Post
It sounds like you are being a good Uncle, and your brother in law is being a Putz. Soon enough the boys will be old enough to tell Mom and Dad they want to hang out with you. Just keep on doing what you are doing.

This ^^^
SeaMonkey1 is offline  
Old 11-06-2014, 12:00 PM
  #5  
Senior Member
 
bogue's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Newport, NC
Posts: 4,719
Default

Just keep being the Lifeline and open line of communication to your sister and everything else will work out.
bogue is offline  
Old 11-06-2014, 12:02 PM
  #6  
Admirals Club
 
Ronn Burgandy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Where the wild things are
Posts: 15,101
Default

My boat and son are named after my uncle, a man I loved dearly and spent a lot of time with. The uncle I speak of was also my mothers brother. My uncle and my father were great friends...brothers almost. My uncle had a family of his own, 6 daughters and a son, all older than me. Upon his death, which was expected, I learned that he wanted me, along with his 5 brothers in law, to be his pall bearers. I tell you this as a backdrop to how close we were. That said, he never "took the place" of my dad, as my dad was always active with me.

As to your situation, have you considered that the primary reason he was sad to leave wasn't because of the fun at your house, but rather the tension at his? I doubt the divorce thing came out of the blue, and the home environment most likely suffered as a result leading up to it. It also sounds like you guys had a lot of fun together, which would explain why the other son would want to join in as well. As for him being "too young", that's your preference, and it really isn't fair to a 5 year old. My daughter is 5 now, and she understands when she is being left out of something. I'm guessing you don't want the younger one around because it would "cramp your style" and wouldn't allow you to do what you want. Sorry to say this, but tough shit....I'm on mom's side on this one as they are her kids to raise and her rules to live by. The reality is, she is most likely left to explain to a 5 year old why his uncle doesn't want to hang out with him too. Frankly, that's not fair for him, and not fair for you to put her in that position. Maybe you should tell the 5 year old he's too young and that his day is coming, instead of passing that responsibility on to your sister?

As for the father holding a grudge against you, don't you against him? It would seem only natural.
Ronn Burgandy is offline  
Old 11-06-2014, 12:06 PM
  #7  
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Bermuda
Posts: 1,593
Default

.
Budget is offline  
Old 11-06-2014, 12:21 PM
  #8  
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 3,056
Default

Originally Posted by bogue View Post
Just keep being the Lifeline and open line of communication to your sister and everything else will work out.
x2

I have been going through this for the last 3 years. Today things are better than they have ever been.
Ifishalot is offline  
Old 11-06-2014, 12:21 PM
  #9  
Senior MemberCaptains Club Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: North Shore
Posts: 2,276
Default

Originally Posted by SeaMonkey1 View Post
This ^^^
X3
Out-2-Sea is offline  
Old 11-06-2014, 12:37 PM
  #10  
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: South Florida
Posts: 4,587
Default

I'd say there is a obligation for your sister to "mediate" this situation, and the ultimate responsibility is on her. They are her kids after all.
airedog is offline  
Old 11-06-2014, 12:49 PM
  #11  
Senior Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,330
Default

Originally Posted by Ronn Burgandy View Post
My boat and son are named after my uncle, a man I loved dearly and spent a lot of time with. The uncle I speak of was also my mothers brother.
That's all I'm striving to be.

As to your situation, have you considered that the primary reason he was sad to leave wasn't because of the fun at your house, but rather the tension at his? Of course, I think it's both.

It also sounds like you guys had a lot of fun together, which would explain why the other son would want to join in as well. As for him being "too young", that's your preference, and it really isn't fair to a 5 year old. My daughter is 5 now, and she understands when she is being left out of something. I'm guessing you don't want the younger one around because it would "cramp your style" and wouldn't allow you to do what you want. Sorry to say this, but tough shit....I'm on mom's side on this one as they are her kids to raise and her rules to live by. The reality is, she is most likely left to explain to a 5 year old why his uncle doesn't want to hang out with him too. Frankly, that's not fair for him, and not fair for you to put her in that position. Maybe you should tell the 5 year old he's too young and that his day is coming, instead of passing that responsibility on to your sister?I started including him as much as possible when made aware it was an issue. I'm not comfortable taking him scalloping when he can't swim. So the oldest one shouldn't go either?

As for the father holding a grudge against you, don't you against him? Not at all. He's never done anything to me. .
I'm not trying to replace his dad. Im at the point of doing nothing. I've never had kids or any uncles that did anything with me. That's why I asked for some guidance.
The Revenge is offline  
Old 11-06-2014, 12:50 PM
  #12  
Admirals Club Admiral's Club Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: North Central Florida
Posts: 11,176
Default

Have you considered kidnapping your nephew?
Obviously this is not the most desirable plan but it is an option.
BlueRudy is offline  
Old 11-06-2014, 12:53 PM
  #13  
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 9,767
Default

Tough spot to be in.

First, I am confused, you state "A few years ago he started getting to the age that he was fun to do things with." then " I'd tell her he's too young and tell him his day is coming, we weren't raised that way". Well if he was thr ight age to have fun a few years ago, does that not put the 5 YO at that age he is fun to do stuff with?

In this regard, it seems you have labeled the oldest one the "chosen one", and yes, I could see that causing tension at home.

I also agree in that you and the activities you provide are two outlets for the kid

1) tension relief from what is going on at home. At 9, he gets it that things are not copacetic between mom and dad

2) exposure to things that the kids father will not expose him too. I think this makes dad jealous a bit, and it is coming out through the kid, and causing tension back on the home front.

Have you tried to include his father in these activities with you, or is it strictly he and you?

As for the lawyer, well, that is what any decent brother would do in that situation. Have you brought up the trouble spot in the marriage or moved on and let it go? If the former, then the father most likely feels awkward around you, if you have let it go, then the father has no excuse in holding that grudge.

As for what to do - well if it were me, I would start including the other son, and keep about your routine - keep asking to do things with the boys, at least they will know you are trying.
Jersus is offline  
Old 11-06-2014, 12:54 PM
  #14  
Senior Member
 
freeporttuna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Long Island
Posts: 9,897
Default

My nephews bought me a plaq

Uncles
like dads only cooler

I think the farther has the answers to all your questions ask him.
freeporttuna is offline  
Old 11-06-2014, 01:31 PM
  #15  
Admirals Club Admiral's Club Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Vero Beach
Posts: 2,865
Default

Originally Posted by Ronn Burgandy View Post
As to your situation, have you considered that the primary reason he was sad to leave wasn't because of the fun at your house, but rather the tension at his? I doubt the divorce thing came out of the blue, and the home environment most likely suffered as a result leading up to it. It also sounds like you guys had a lot of fun together, which would explain why the other son would want to join in as well. As for him being "too young", that's your preference, and it really isn't fair to a 5 year old. My daughter is 5 now, and she understands when she is being left out of something. I'm guessing you don't want the younger one around because it would "cramp your style" and wouldn't allow you to do what you want. Sorry to say this, but tough shit....I'm on mom's side on this one as they are her kids to raise and her rules to live by. The reality is, she is most likely left to explain to a 5 year old why his uncle doesn't want to hang out with him too. Frankly, that's not fair for him, and not fair for you to put her in that position. Maybe you should tell the 5 year old he's too young and that his day is coming, instead of passing that responsibility on to your sister?

As for the father holding a grudge against you, don't you against him? It would seem only natural.
Well said.
Think Done Deals is offline  
Old 11-06-2014, 01:38 PM
  #16  
Senior Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,330
Default

Originally Posted by Jersus View Post
Tough spot to be in.

First, I am confused, you state "A few years ago he started getting to the age that he was fun to do things with." then " I'd tell her he's too young and tell him his day is coming, we weren't raised that way". Well if he was thr ight age to have fun a few years ago, does that not put the 5 YO at that age he is fun to do stuff with?

In this regard, it seems you have labeled the oldest one the "chosen one", and yes, I could see that causing tension at home.

I also agree in that you and the activities you provide are two outlets for the kid

1) tension relief from what is going on at home. At 9, he gets it that things are not copacetic between mom and dad

2) exposure to things that the kids father will not expose him too. I think this makes dad jealous a bit, and it is coming out through the kid, and causing tension back on the home front.

Have you tried to include his father in these activities with you, or is it strictly he and you?

As for the lawyer, well, that is what any decent brother would do in that situation. Have you brought up the trouble spot in the marriage or moved on and let it go? If the former, then the father most likely feels awkward around you, if you have let it go, then the father has no excuse in holding that grudge.

As for what to do - well if it were me, I would start including the other son, and keep about your routine - keep asking to do things with the boys, at least they will know you are trying.
Your right the youngest one is coming into the same age I started taking the other one to do things. I was including him as much as possible.

Before the newest infant I would take all four of them on the boat together. Now my sister doesn't want to with the littlest one.
I've asked the dad along a few times. When I'm with one or both of the nephews my fiancé is usually always with us. Except for jujitsu I'm seldom actually alone with them.
I took the the oldest one and my dad (his grandfather) scalloping during the week over the summer. My dad wasn't comfortable taking the youngest one while he can't swim.

I've never discussed the divorce situation with him, ever, not once. When she said he was moving back in I said fine I hope you guys work things out. I've never brought up the retainer fee or the fact that I got her an attourney to him, ever.
Just didn't think it was my place or would add anything to the situation. Truth be known the only reason I think he came back and is there now is he couldn't afford a divorce.
The Revenge is offline  
Old 11-06-2014, 02:07 PM
  #17  
Admirals Club
 
Ronn Burgandy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Where the wild things are
Posts: 15,101
Default

Originally Posted by The Revenge View Post
Your right the youngest one is coming into the same age I started taking the other one to do things. I was including him as much as possible.

Before the newest infant I would take all four of them on the boat together. Now my sister doesn't want to with the littlest one.
I've asked the dad along a few times. When I'm with one or both of the nephews my fiancé is usually always with us. Except for jujitsu I'm seldom actually alone with them.
I took the the oldest one and my dad (his grandfather) scalloping during the week over the summer. My dad wasn't comfortable taking the youngest one while he can't swim.

I've never discussed the divorce situation with him, ever, not once. When she said he was moving back in I said fine I hope you guys work things out. I've never brought up the retainer fee or the fact that I got her an attourney to him, ever.
Just didn't think it was my place or would add anything to the situation. Truth be known the only reason I think he came back and is there now is he couldn't afford a divorce.
That sucks if true about the father's reasoning for giving it a go.

Not beating you up here, because your heart is certainly in the right place, but what does their age have to do with you starting to do things with them? First and foremost, if you want to be a good uncle, find time to be a part of their lives. Don't wait until they are old enough to fit into yours.
Ronn Burgandy is offline  
Old 11-06-2014, 02:17 PM
  #18  
Admirals Club Admiral's Club Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,585
Default

Your a better uncle than you know. Keep communicating with the boy(s), one day he'll be old enough to dictate his seeing you more often. If things are bad at home he'll at some point make his own rules about seeing you and tell dad where he can go.

I never want to see a child not respect his parents but if the parents aren't acting with the child's best in mind then something needs to be done. Just let the boy know you always have room and love for him.
YFMF is offline  
Old 11-06-2014, 03:19 PM
  #19  
Senior Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,330
Default

Originally Posted by Ronn Burgandy View Post

Not beating you up here.
I don't take it that way, I appreciate everyone's advice.

I was at my sisters one day when the oldest was a toddler, I thought he was incredibly fragile. I couldn't live with myself if something happened to them under my watch. So I told her I'd wait until they could walk and talk before I started taking them places.
Somehow thinking he wouldn't be as fragile or could at least tell me if he had a problem, dumb reasoning.
The Revenge is offline  
Old 11-06-2014, 03:43 PM
  #20  
Admirals Club Admiral's Club Member
THT sponsor
 
triumphrick's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Masaryktown, Fla.
Posts: 16,990
Default

I too had a good uncle; and aunt.

Our childhood was pretty crazy. The old man was married four times and he maintained custody of my brother and I. That's another long story which I don't care to indulge in.

The uncle and aunt in Virginia were always the ones to present a stable home life. we went fishing, did a little hunting and I always helped in his big garden. I stayed in touch with them both until they passed. My memories of life with them are with me today.

Hang in there and do the best you can with your nephews. Obviously it hurts to see what is happening. As someone else mentioned, one of these days these kids will have a choice and a car....and I bet you will get to see a good bit of them.
triumphrick is offline  

Thread Tools
Search this Thread