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Depression or do I just need a break?

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Depression or do I just need a break?

Old 07-05-2014, 07:01 AM
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Default Depression or do I just need a break?

Finally decided I need to vent about this. Don't care if posting publicly makes me look weak or strong.

Most of you have read my posts about my wife suddenly passing away. It's been 3.5 months now and I feel as if I'm in a real rut.

I'm getting out with friends on weekends, and appear to be doing OK on the outside. I've even been offshore with another member and had my boat out too. Bills are getting paid timely, the dog hasn't starved, etc. Took a week off back in May and went to Marathon with my daughter which was nice. Haven't hit the bottle or anything destructive either. My daughter was home from school for 3 weeks but went back this weekend. It was a combination of seeing her friends over the long weekend and I know she is having a tough time being in the house. Most of my wife's stuff is still here, although I've gone through shoes, purses and put them in storage containers to be donated/sold after my daughter goes through it. She's not ready to do it yet. I've also gone through jewelry and put it in a safe deposit box. And the ring came off about 4 weeks ago.

All that said, I feel as if I'm stuck in my tracks. I have a ton of work stuff to do but no motivation to do it. My wife worked with me for 21 years and I have outsourced some of what she did. I still have a lot of it on my plate. Most of my clients have been with me over 20 years and are very understanding of my situation. Many were at our wedding almost 25 years ago.

I met with a therapist early on and found it helpful, but I felt we covered the main issues in one session.

Not sure if I just need another vacation, new boat, new vehicle, new furniture or professional help. I've been hit on while having dinner by myself which was good for the self esteem but I'm not really there yet.

Last edited by Sprockets; 07-05-2014 at 07:09 AM. Reason: added boat and vehicle
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Old 07-05-2014, 07:25 AM
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3.5 months is the problem. It gets better with time so keep on trucking. Treat yourself to something new.

My wife of 15 years died about 1 1/2 years ago after a battle with cancer. She is irreplaceable.
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Old 07-05-2014, 07:32 AM
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Very sorry about your loss, you seem to handle better than most people I have known.
I hope my wife or I handle it at well as you have.
Therapist is good call to vent and keep you on the straight and narrow. Make a small list of easy,
short and simple tasks easily completed every day. Maybe if the small things are taken care of, the bigger things will take care of themselves.
best of luck!
I pray for you and your family, you are blessed in many ways.
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Old 07-05-2014, 07:38 AM
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Sorry to hear that man. I've never been in your shoes as far losing a spouse, but I've lost a few of my best friends and I can say the pain never really goes away, it just kind of gets put to the back of your mind and is more suppressed I guess. You sound like you are coping pretty considering the circumstances. Keep on plugging along, don't be scared to talk about it with friends, it doesn't make you weak or a pussy or anything.
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Old 07-05-2014, 07:39 AM
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I wish that I knew the answer to help you, I dont', but if it helps. What you are going thru is normal. Something along the lines of the 6th month depression after a divorce, but I would think much more severe.

The one thing to tell yourself. " It will get better!!!" Everone is different and noone can tell you how to get from now to better, but you will get to "better".

Maybe move out of the house for a week or two. A pet friendly apartment or hotel. Just so you do not have to face that empty house every night.

Try dating, but do not look for a home run. I would only date women that I knew I had no interest in a long term relationship. Just someone to go out to diner and have an adult conversation.

Good luck, hang in there, you are a good man and you will survive.
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Old 07-05-2014, 08:00 AM
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Depression is totally normal. There is no weakness. You are doing the right thing by being open and talking about it. The more you speak about it, the more support you will get and you will get past it. Time heals all wounds.
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Old 07-05-2014, 08:08 AM
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First, my condolences on losing your wife. I can't fathom. I did lose my mom unexpectedly when she was only 52. I stayed in a funk for a while. I think you are doing great for 3.5 months. All I know is it will get better with time. Give it some more and be proud of yourself for coping as you have.
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Old 07-05-2014, 08:10 AM
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Anyone who criticizes you is an asshole. It is part of adjusting to loss. You essentially need to learn how to live a new life, which is something that can't be done overnight.

There are big differences between therapists also. Some just are a wall that let you speak. They don't help anyone. A good therapist will be an hour long back and forth conversation with advice offered. I had anxiety so bad that I could barely leave my house and nearly got fired. I, after a few failed attempts, found the right therapist. Oftentimes it takes a while to start seeing real results in therapy. Nothing is instant.

Be sure you keep getting outside. Make yourself. You are lucky to be in an area where seasonal affective disorder isn't really a problem. Use that to your advantage. Do the things you used to like to do. Take the boat out. Go fishing. Just try to keep your life moving, and in time you will adjust.
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Old 07-05-2014, 08:16 AM
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No one can tell you how to handle grief. Its is singular and unique to each individual, but know that it is ok to grieve in YOUR way. Yes its hard and there is no handbook. Be you and take it one day at a time, or fake it till you make it.. You will find your center, and move forward.
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Old 07-05-2014, 08:36 AM
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Just keep busy. Volunteer doing something that helps the less fortunate. That might help put things into perspective. It's ok to be depressed, but remember that your wife would kick your ass if you mope around for too long.

Hang in there.
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Old 07-05-2014, 08:58 AM
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Sorry for your loss, 3.5 months is not long and things will get better with time. Always remember her and the good times you had, But do not forget to look into the future. Moving forward is not disrespectful or anything, But it may take you some time to be ready to move forward. I would suggest looking for a assistant that can help you with your work. Surely they would not replace your wife but if does help to get the work done and provide some social interaction. If you work in a room by yourself you will find that you are often thinking about the past, rather than talking about what the future may hold.
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Old 07-05-2014, 09:10 AM
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Originally Posted by Sprockets View Post
Finally decided I need to vent about this. Don't care if posting publicly makes me look weak or strong.

Most of you have read my posts about my wife suddenly passing away. It's been 3.5 months now and I feel as if I'm in a real rut.

I'm getting out with friends on weekends, and appear to be doing OK on the outside. I've even been offshore with another member and had my boat out too. Bills are getting paid timely, the dog hasn't starved, etc. Took a week off back in May and went to Marathon with my daughter which was nice. Haven't hit the bottle or anything destructive either. My daughter was home from school for 3 weeks but went back this weekend. It was a combination of seeing her friends over the long weekend and I know she is having a tough time being in the house. Most of my wife's stuff is still here, although I've gone through shoes, purses and put them in storage containers to be donated/sold after my daughter goes through it. She's not ready to do it yet. I've also gone through jewelry and put it in a safe deposit box. And the ring came off about 4 weeks ago.

All that said, I feel as if I'm stuck in my tracks. I have a ton of work stuff to do but no motivation to do it. My wife worked with me for 21 years and I have outsourced some of what she did. I still have a lot of it on my plate. Most of my clients have been with me over 20 years and are very understanding of my situation. Many were at our wedding almost 25 years ago.

I met with a therapist early on and found it helpful, but I felt we covered the main issues in one session.

Not sure if I just need another vacation, new boat, new vehicle, new furniture or professional help. I've been hit on while having dinner by myself which was good for the self esteem but I'm not really there yet.
The only thing I can tell you is to do what you feel is right, you are are your own judge and unfortunately we are our HARSHEST judge. The rule of thumb is to try to not make any major decisions or changes for about a year. I made one "major" decision (to replace a swimming pool we had for years and years when the old one went bad, I would have been better off just filling it in). Life threw a knuckle-ball at us, you can't try to knock a knuckle-ball out of the park, you kind of have to wait for it to get to you and slap it out of the infield.

I worked midnight shift, off by myself, I would cry for hours until there were no tears left, some nights I felt better, some nights I didn't.

IM me any time, of email me, I can't tell you what you should do but I can tell you how I survived, and now I am with the living again, my wife is still a part of my life as is her passing. Time heals the wounds, if we let it.
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Old 07-05-2014, 09:10 AM
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Originally Posted by Sprockets View Post
Finally decided I need to vent about this. Don't care if posting publicly makes me look weak or strong.

Most of you have read my posts about my wife suddenly passing away. It's been 3.5 months now and I feel as if I'm in a real rut.

I'm getting out with friends on weekends, and appear to be doing OK on the outside. I've even been offshore with another member and had my boat out too. Bills are getting paid timely, the dog hasn't starved, etc. Took a week off back in May and went to Marathon with my daughter which was nice. Haven't hit the bottle or anything destructive either. My daughter was home from school for 3 weeks but went back this weekend. It was a combination of seeing her friends over the long weekend and I know she is having a tough time being in the house. Most of my wife's stuff is still here, although I've gone through shoes, purses and put them in storage containers to be donated/sold after my daughter goes through it. She's not ready to do it yet. I've also gone through jewelry and put it in a safe deposit box. And the ring came off about 4 weeks ago.

All that said, I feel as if I'm stuck in my tracks. I have a ton of work stuff to do but no motivation to do it. My wife worked with me for 21 years and I have outsourced some of what she did. I still have a lot of it on my plate. Most of my clients have been with me over 20 years and are very understanding of my situation. Many were at our wedding almost 25 years ago.

I met with a therapist early on and found it helpful, but I felt we covered the main issues in one session.

Not sure if I just need another vacation, new boat, new vehicle, new furniture or professional help. I've been hit on while having dinner by myself which was good for the self esteem but I'm not really there yet.
Be there for your daughter as much as you can. Maybe you and your daughter could go to sessions on weekends. Acceptance is harder for the young I think.

Grief is not depression. It is a long sad process. We are here for you.

S&J
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Old 07-05-2014, 09:23 AM
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You're doing great. 3.5 mths isn't long at all. Stay away from the bottle and any other stupid ideas and you'll keep moving forward.
A new toy is temporary. I say go to a few more sessions. Don't be afraid to talk about it with anyone. Everyone would feel the same and it can happen to any of us. People may not have much to say back, but I think you'll feel better having talked about it.
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Old 07-05-2014, 10:10 AM
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With time comes comfort, lean on friends and family now, and don't be afraid of using the THT brotherhood for support. The anonymity can help. Professional counseling as needed (I was depressed and did it for 5 months).

Buying stuff only gets you stuff. Doing stuff entertains the brain: take a trip, start a new hobby, volunteer.

Take care.
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Old 07-05-2014, 10:16 AM
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Time my brother.....time. Stay positive, do positive things, don't give up bud.
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Old 07-05-2014, 10:36 AM
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Depression is the cancer of the soul.
As stated above,stay positive.
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Old 07-05-2014, 10:39 AM
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Thanks for the support! I'm doing OK just in a bit of a funk this weekend.

I've never been through anything like this, and I'm used to things in life progressing quicker. Many people have told me that I seem to be doing well but I feel as if I'm stuck. Maybe it's that some of the basic things are done, but the tougher issues are still ahead. My office voice mail still has a VM extension for her, and I need to get someone in to change it for me. Stuff like that is just hanging out there.
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Old 07-05-2014, 10:45 AM
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Originally Posted by skibum View Post
Buying stuff only gets you stuff. Doing stuff entertains the brain: take a trip, start a new hobby, volunteer.
Sage advice! I went through a similar funk and depression when I got divorced. Although my ex didn't die, it was the death of our marriage and our family, finances were a mess, I got very self-destructive and suicidal. I know you said you're not ready, but I can tell you what finally pulled me out of that dark hole that was enveloping me physically and emotionally. A buddy literally dragged me out of the house one night and we went out, I ran into a gal I worked with several years back. She took me home and rocked my world. The world was suddenly a much brighter, better place.

Hang in there. It takes time.
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Old 07-05-2014, 11:01 AM
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Sprockets, at first I just read your post. Then I analyzed it sentence by sentence. You listed exactly three things that you liked.

1. Going to the Keys with your daughter.
2. The first, and only, visit with a doctor.
3. Getting hit on, which you liked, but felt uncomfortable with.

The rest of your post was just listing things. Even boating- you listed it twice, but did not list an accompanying emotion.

I suggest you do more of the three you listed above.

1. You said your daughter was uncomfortable at your home. So, go visit her at school for a weekend. Take her away for a weekend. Plan a vacation away for Thanksgiving and Christmas. She needs twice as much love from you now. And you will get back 10x what you give.

2. The therapist. Please get back in there! At least until you and the doc figure out if you are depressed or just the natural grieving process.

3. Other women. Talk with them. That is all, at this point. Talking with them is not sleeping with them, which you are not ready for.

I would be remiss if I did not list the standard caution while psychobabbling- if you feel like hurting yourself, don't, and get help right away.

==>Rapi
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