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Wanna give advice but not too sure

Old 07-12-2012, 06:20 PM
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Default Wanna give advice but not too sure

OK my wife's family is pretty close, one of her younger cousins is a bit of a drama queen and like many in this generation thinks that money grows on trees and she is unwilling to work outside of her selected field of work (theater) naturally she makes next to nothing. Outside of all that she is a good girl (26 years old now)

Her boyfriend who is a good guy, works a decent enough job about $18 per hr and will work as much as they throw him (min. 40 hrs). They currently live in a basement apt of ours and pay $500 per month in rent.


The problem is the guy will propose marriage this fall/winter and the cousin wants a ring from Tiffany, a wedding and honeymoon in Disney world etc...

The guy and her parents (not well off) will do everything they can to make her happy even if it means going into debt (bad way to start a marriage).

Anyway I want to take the guy aside and offer him some sound advice, sort of like, get a photo of the ring she wants and hit Canal st. in NYC and have them duplicate the setting, then go to a pawn shop and pick up a diamond and have it mounted. (Diamonds don’t wear out) or some other cost saving measure like that. Also want to tell him he's going to need some backbone with the cousin as she will walk all over him if he doesn't.

I'm not looking to ruin the wedding or anything like that just offer sound advice, if need be I tell this to the cousin too.

what do you all think, her mom knows what she's like and her father has gone into debt before for his little girl. If the cousin gets wind of my lesson for the BF and gets pissed I don't much care as it is for the good of their relationship.

a couple of the women in the family have reamed her out for having Champaign taste and dirty water money, for living in a basement and wanting a ring from Tiffany etc...

Your thoughts?
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Old 07-12-2012, 06:26 PM
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Yep. Leave it alone. Nothing good will come of intervening and, in the end, they will all do what they want to do anyway.
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Old 07-12-2012, 09:13 PM
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If you are going to talk to one about the topic, talk to both of them at the same time and see how long they like you....only then will you know if you did right or wrong.



edit: you're right Gus. ...and yes you were right, it was a bad one. I don't know why but for some reason I'm now good for a pounder once a day and have been doing so for the past couple of weeks. Prior I was averaging a headache once every 4-5 years. My GP says to not worry about all the headaches, he's not.

Last edited by Garett; 07-13-2012 at 08:26 AM.
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Old 07-12-2012, 09:18 PM
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Butt out
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Old 07-12-2012, 09:42 PM
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Are you going to be stuck with the wedding bill ? If not I wouldn't even bring it up.

Since they are both pretty young, At the very most I would do is tell the guy that there are custom jewelers that can make any ring design you want and have him go to Tiffany's and look at rings, take pics and have him price them elsewhere just for fun. He sounds like a practice guy and I'm sure if he can get the same looking ring for 40% less he might go for it. If not...not your problem.

a little over a year ago I was ring shopping. What a horrible experience. I stopped at David Yurman and Tiffany's and a few other high end places. $40k might get you something decent. Total joke. I also thought All their designs sucked pretty bad.

I found a custom guy a friend had used. Picked the stone then took 4 months trying to find a custom setting I liked. I am extremely happy with how it turned out and my wife even had a sales person at Tiffanys comment how nice it was.

Tiffany's is far from the standard in Jewelery.
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Old 07-13-2012, 02:30 AM
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Originally Posted by Garett View Post
It's late and I've got another headache so this is going to be sharp.

Just because you are cheap why is it you feel such a strong need to try and convert him into becoming a cheap bastard?
Must be a terrible headache . . . that is not a cool response . . . you may want to think that one over again
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Old 07-13-2012, 02:35 AM
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Originally Posted by yarcraft91 View Post
Yep. Leave it alone. Nothing good will come of intervening and, in the end, they will all do what they want to do anyway.
Since they are not your children I also agree . . . At best if they listen to you she is going to be disappointed for not having her dream wedding and will likely lay the blame on you

It is an unfortunate situation, $40K would much better be spent on a down payment on a house and having the wedding party there to "break in" their new home.
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Old 07-13-2012, 03:42 AM
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Nothing you can say to this guy will give him a backbone. That ship sailed when he was 4.

He picked Ms. Champagne Ideas, let him live with her.

So, since I believe nothing you can say will help, I also believe it would be better to stay on the sidelines on this one. Raise your own child to appreciate life and learn from them and teach accordingly.
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Old 07-13-2012, 04:00 AM
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unless ask i dont offer advice.
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Old 07-13-2012, 04:22 AM
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You clearly have thought about this and have some sound advice to offer. Why not talk with the boyfriend alone when the opportunity presents itself. Tell him what you think in a nice way. And then drop the matter. You will have offered your wisdom and he can do what he thinks is best. DO NOT make an ongoing case for your point of view and everything will be fine.

I disagree with those who recommend you say nothing. You see something wrong here and based on what you say so do I. Try to give the boyfriend your perspective with a chat but do not meddle.
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Old 07-13-2012, 04:24 AM
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Originally Posted by 08087 View Post
OK my wife's family is pretty close, one of her younger cousins is a bit of a drama queen and like many in this generation thinks that money grows on trees and she is unwilling to work outside of her selected field of work (theater) naturally she makes next to nothing. Outside of all that she is a good girl (26 years old now)

Her boyfriend who is a good guy, works a decent enough job about $18 per hr and will work as much as they throw him (min. 40 hrs). They currently live in a basement apt of ours and pay $500 per month in rent.


The problem is the guy will propose marriage this fall/winter and the cousin wants a ring from Tiffany, a wedding and honeymoon in Disney world etc...

The guy and her parents (not well off) will do everything they can to make her happy even if it means going into debt (bad way to start a marriage).

Anyway I want to take the guy aside and offer him some sound advice, sort of like, get a photo of the ring she wants and hit Canal st. in NYC and have them duplicate the setting, then go to a pawn shop and pick up a diamond and have it mounted. (Diamonds don’t wear out) or some other cost saving measure like that. Also want to tell him he's going to need some backbone with the cousin as she will walk all over him if he doesn't.

I'm not looking to ruin the wedding or anything like that just offer sound advice, if need be I tell this to the cousin too.

what do you all think, her mom knows what she's like and her father has gone into debt before for his little girl. If the cousin gets wind of my lesson for the BF and gets pissed I don't much care as it is for the good of their relationship.

a couple of the women in the family have reamed her out for having Champaign taste and dirty water money, for living in a basement and wanting a ring from Tiffany etc...

Your thoughts?
You'll be the SOB but I think she needs told and plan on renting the basement apartment to someone else because when you bust her bubble she'll press the poor ol boyfriend to get another place. For me I couldn't sit around and watch this and I'd be fine with the pumped up drama queen to move anyways.
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Old 07-13-2012, 04:35 AM
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This couple is detached from reality and you have recognized it. However, as I tell my wife, you can't save everyone. You are already doing them a favor by letting them live in your basement on the cheap. Like others have said, they aren't your kids, you aren't paying for the wedding, and your advice hasn't been solicited. Leave it alone until and if you see an opening- then offer your sage advice in a non-accusatory manner by giving anecdotal evidence of friends who started with the same mistakes and where they are now. We've all seen it before. You should be able to scare some send into the guy. Sounds like the girl has been told she's a selfish material girl and it has fallen on dead ears. That'd be enough to make me run!!
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Old 07-13-2012, 04:57 AM
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I think you have good advice to give. You can do it indirectly like sayig you had this friend that wasted ______ dollars on a ring and then when they almost went bankrupt and they went to sell it he found out they have an 80% mark-up or whatever - or they went into debt - or..

Originally Posted by Mike Boehler View Post
Nothing you can say to this guy will give him a backbone. That ship sailed when he was 4.

He picked Ms. Champagne Ideas, let him live with her.

So, since I believe nothing you can say will help, I also believe it would be better to stay on the sidelines on this one. Raise your own child to appreciate life and learn from them and teach accordingly.
Originally Posted by yarcraft91 View Post
Yep. Leave it alone. Nothing good will come of intervening and, in the end, they will all do what they want to do anyway.
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Old 07-13-2012, 05:08 AM
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What are you going to do when they stop paying rent because they have other "more important" bills.

I think you are well within reason to have a chat with him....or both if they will listen. Big weddings are way overrated and, when they're over, they're over. Money in the bank, down payment on a home, etc are all better alternatives. But I'm preaching to the choir.

At Tiffany's, you're paying for the name first, then the product. They'd be a lot better off going to a hometown, local jeweler for a custom setting. Smart jewelers have made a lot of money in the last few years in purchasing gold (in particular) and diamonds from those needing cash. It represents an opportunity for those wanting a good value in rings, etc.
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Old 07-13-2012, 05:30 AM
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We need pics.
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Old 07-13-2012, 05:31 AM
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Well on $18 an hour if he doesn't have a lot of bills he should be buying a $3-4k ring... that isn't going to get you jack at tiffany....

But then again I wouldn't be proposing while living in my (soon-to-be)uncle-in-laws basement either....
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Old 07-13-2012, 05:41 AM
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Alot of women dream of that fairy tale wedding. I dont thinqk there is anything wrong with you offering advice. A scaled down wedding and a ring could equal a down payment tor a house. Hows your wife feel about it.
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Old 07-13-2012, 05:47 AM
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my experience with advice to someone hypnotized by a woman is they will never listen, usually return the favor with a great deal of disrespect and even when things go wrong later on find a way to blame you for bringing it on...the "p" is powerful stuff that good intentions, family and friendship cannot overcome...

i know 2 people who married women they were told were cheating on them by best friends who were no longer welcomed as friends after the information was exchanged...both went through ugly divorces and lost their asses to the women they insisted they should stay with...and the list grows daily...
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Old 07-13-2012, 05:48 AM
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Your offer of 'advise' is actually your 'opinion'. I gave up giving people my opinion/advise long ago. If you feel it necessary, offer 'INFORMATION" or 'RESOURCES", like, "see grandma, even though they have a lot of money, she still wears the cheap ring grandpa gave her when they were young and broke, because it means more to her than some fancy/expensive ring"
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Old 07-13-2012, 05:52 AM
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Thanks to all, even Garett. Direct responses is something I can get and that's why I like this place.
I see a case for both sides of the argument and that's why I'm not sure if I should open my mouth. I'm glad I had an uncle to teach me a thing r two when I was younger, there are no males in this family at the moment other then myself and the girls father.

I was thinking of taking him shopping for a ring just to show him the difference between 1 diamond and another and gently touch on the subject of debt vs. independance.

We keep the basement apt. for visiting relatives and in this case the young ones that want to move out and need a place to start, if they move it's no skin off our nose, matter of fact we'd prefer they did (when they are ready) just because we'd rather it be vacant for visiting friends/family when they need a place to drop for a week when visiting the city.

The wife and sister in law will be all over the female cousin on this and she may or may not like the advice as she's never had to earn much in her life thus far. The guy has no one on his side, his family lives out of state and I thought he could use a buddy to at least show him there are options.
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