The Hull Truth - Boating and Fishing Forum

The Hull Truth - Boating and Fishing Forum (https://www.thehulltruth.com/index.php)
-   Dockside Chat (https://www.thehulltruth.com/dockside-chat-18/)
-   -   Touchy Subject - daughters boyfriend (https://www.thehulltruth.com/dockside-chat/409818-touchy-subject-daughters-boyfriend.html)

Cuzmondo 03-06-2012 04:54 PM

Touchy Subject - daughters boyfriend
 
O.K. so I need some input from others that may have been through this. First off, to give some perspective our only child is an 18 y/o dishwater blond, blue eyed senior. Very attractive, and not just Dad saying so, it's true (sorry you ain't getting pics). Very good kid, never caused any trouble, works hard at a part time job and goes to school. Planning to attend the local college next year and study Dental hygiene, Radiology or P.T. She has had a few boyfriends over the years but always were younger and none ever had a job or drove. The current bo is 21, has his own ride, takes her places and spends money on her; overall seems like a good guy, not a trouble maker, but just doesn't sit right her mother and I. Not real sociable and doesn't seem like he wants to spend any time around us. Our feelings are he's kinda swept her off her feet because he's the first guy to ever really pick her up and take her on a date and such. Most times he doesn't even come to the door; he texts her and she meets him outside. It's apparent that he's lacking a father and doesn't grasp the "gentlemanly" aspect of dating. I had to teach her last bo how to tie a tie, and this one is probably the same. He often complains of being tired after working all day and not really into the things she is. At 21 I could work 26 hrs. straight and then still hang and party with my girl with enthusiasm for hours on end. Our daughter has a bubbly fun and lively personality, while he seems dull and unmotivated. Are her mother and I making too much of this, how do you deal with these things? We really don't like the thought of spending a lot of time around him. We have lots of friends of all ages, and friends with younger adult children that we all have a good time with, this one just doesn't fit in with all the rest. What do you do? Let it ride? Confront him, or her, or what? ;?

bumster 03-06-2012 05:02 PM

Perhaps he is picking up on the fact that you dont really care for him? If your daughter is as smart as you say
and has good judgement she might be seeing what you and your wife dont. Then again she likes him and you pretty much dont. I dont make it a habit to socialize with people who dont care for me. Just a thought

CNC Boater 03-06-2012 05:03 PM

Start inviting him to do things with your family. He may just be intimidated by your family.

RedSoxMan 03-06-2012 05:09 PM

You pretty much have to "ride with this" for a while... Your daughter's 18 now, so technically an adult. Be careful about explicitly telling your daughter you don't like him -- this will further disconnect her from you when she's with him (and perhaps in general...)

He might be a good guy -- 21 is really young. Maybe he just doesn't know how to talk to adults. You could help try and break the ice with him, if he sticks around longer.

Good luck.

DoubleO7 03-06-2012 05:10 PM

Betchya he is from "across the bridge" ?

Be all gungho sweet and invite him to any little thing.

He will likely jackrabbit.

ytmorris 03-06-2012 05:13 PM

What CNC said. While i don't have any kids at the ripe ole age of 26, I do remember being the boyfriend of daddy's little girl before I got engaged. It was intimidating for some of my buddies, I was always outgoing and very family oriented so it wasn't a problem for me. I would invite him to supper one night and feel him out. I would go out to eat because it is a neutral environment where you and your wife can talk to him without him feeling intimidated about being at your house. A few weeks later, if you like him and yall got along, invite him to the house. I had a tough father one time and all it took was a beer and a grill for us to become pretty good friends despite the fact I was dating his daughter.

Boataholic 03-06-2012 05:14 PM

Confront him about what? Dang man, your daughter is 18, she can date who she wants. I know that won't sit well with you but it's a fact. You may want to TACTFULLY, discuss some of your concerns with her, if you have that type of relationship with her that is. Beyond that, go the extra mile and try to be pleasant to him, invite him to family functions, sit down and have a beer with him, whatever.

I understand she is your "only " child , but you can't be the matchmaker. From what you've said, he sounds pretty decent compared to a lot of other kids his age, that I see. At least he's employed! :)

mikeloew 03-06-2012 05:18 PM

Oh boy, probably just about every father in this forum has been in your shoes, inc me. The old saying you can lead the horse to water, but you cant make it drink it true here. Your daughter is 18, legal age to make her own decisions, some will be good some not. We all have to learn the hard way, and she probably will. If he is bad news give your daughter a chance to see for herself. She sounds like she is a smart girl. No knock on you at all, but do you think there could have been a chance your wifes father thought the same about you at first? Good luck but I think this is out of your hands right now.

Gator56 03-06-2012 05:37 PM

If you have his phone number or can get it I'd call him and setup a lunch or just meet him somewhere and talk. Find out where his head's at about your daughter and let him know your concerns. When everythings on the table then everyone knows what's going on.
I just had an incident this past weekend and never hesitated, I let my daughter know I needed to talk to him and it was all ironed over within a few hours. I'm very forward and never hid any of my concerns and I was at ease after our talk and him understanding what she means to us.

muffinman51432 03-06-2012 05:42 PM

Take him on the boat. See if he lightens up a bit, spending more time with him will make him feel comfortable!

PMaine 03-06-2012 05:47 PM

Sounds to me like you are searching for things to create a problem. It sounds like he treats your Daughter well, unless that changes let her make her own choices and be supportive.

Cuzmondo 03-06-2012 05:48 PM

Wow, lots of responses in short order. Pretty much everything mentioned is what we have or are doing. Have been to dinner several times, had a beer or two together at a Halloween party, and definitely haven't made any derogatory remarks about him to her. We realize we can't and don't want to try to direct her actions, so I guess we'll just have to see how it plays out. Certainly don't want to drive a wedge between any of us. The three of us, Mom, daughter and myself have always been very close, so we wouldn't want to jeopardize that relationship.
Maybe he is intimidated? I'll think on that one a bit.
Thanks for the advice. Looking forward to some warmer weather so we can get out on the water together and see how it goes.

glacierbaze 03-06-2012 05:52 PM


Originally Posted by Gator56 (Post 4425897)
If you have his phone number or can get it I'd call him and setup a lunch or just meet him somewhere and talk. Find out where his head's at about your daughter and let him know your concerns. When everythings on the table then everyone knows what's going on.
I just had an incident this past weekend and never hesitated, I let my daughter know I needed to talk to him and it was all ironed over within a few hours. I'm very forward and never hid any of my concerns and I was at ease after our talk and him understanding what she means to us.

His daughter has his phone number. You can't be suggesting that he do this without her knowing, and being okay with it.

PMaine 03-06-2012 05:56 PM

Be careful, you don't always have to speak your thoughts for them to be heard.

zigzag 03-06-2012 05:57 PM

Invite him on some outings, take him to the shooting range one weekend and then on an offshore trip the next, you'll get a feeling where he's coming from.

ShaftINIT 03-06-2012 05:58 PM

This....Leave her/him alone. I mean you should speak how you feel to her in a nice way. Talk about how you feel and it at that! The WORST thing you can do is try and tell her what to do. You will push her away faster then you can read this message. My dad and I might talk once a month because of this.I'll admit I'm super fast to hit the ignore button on my phone if I see his name pop up.Its sad but true. I can not do anything right in his eyes and its gets old really fast. Even tho I have my own family...live in a $350k house and haven't received $.01 from him since I was 16(I'm 28 now).In a nut shell....remind her how much you love her every day... and like I say....speak your mind(in a nice way) about him....and leave it at that and never bring it up again. And don't treat her any different if she don't take your advice or take into consideration how you feel. You don't want that kind of relationship with your kid...I wish every day my dad would change but I have tried my best. I wish you the best for both of you guys sake

PMaine 03-06-2012 05:58 PM


Originally Posted by Gator56 (Post 4425897)
If you have his phone number or can get it I'd call him and setup a lunch or just meet him somewhere and talk. Find out where his head's at about your daughter and let him know your concerns. When everythings on the table then everyone knows what's going on.
I just had an incident this past weekend and never hesitated, I let my daughter know I needed to talk to him and it was all ironed over within a few hours. I'm very forward and never hid any of my concerns and I was at ease after our talk and him understanding what she means to us.

When I was dating my wife my in-laws did this, she ended up moving out the next week, they not only lost their daughter for a short time but when they are old and need help I will always remember the hardships/drama they caused when we were just trying to put ourselves through college.............

08087 03-06-2012 05:59 PM

When I was 21 the last thing I wanted to do was hang around a girls parents. No offense to you or the girls I dated, just wanted to be doing my own thing without you looking over every fault. And lets face it at 21 we all have tons of faults.

The only parents I ever felt comfortable with were the realy smart ones that laid things out on the table for me.

"This is what we want for our daughter, this is what we expect from you, were not your friend were her parents but we can be friendly, understand the difference."

Dad was super nice and so was mom, they were rich and educated, I'm sure they new I was the flavor of the month but they were very nice, I always liked direct kind of people and always liked them.

no easy answer for you, but if the guy isn't warming up to you, let him slip away, you can't force it. My little one is 2 and I don't look forward to the day when I'm on your end. But by then I'll be 65 and be more like a grandfather (I hope).

Best of luck, educate her and it'll be OK. (That's what I keep telling myself)

njbassr 03-06-2012 06:10 PM

I understand she's 18 and technically an adult but dam. he doesn't have enough decency to meet her at door and atleast say hi to the parents when he picks her up.sounds to me he has some character issues.

cfarmd 03-06-2012 06:12 PM

reminds me of a song I heard once, something about cleaning a gun...


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:00 PM.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.9.3.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright 2018 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved. Use of this site indicates your consent to the Terms of Use.