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Touchy Subject - daughters boyfriend

Old 03-07-2012, 05:59 AM
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No boy is going to pull up to my house and basically blow the horn for my 19yo daughter to run out. He will drag his tired ass up to the door, be invited in, and see my shoulder mounts on the wall. My daughter has had 2 boyfriends that were old enough to drive. They have both hung out with us, gone on vacation with us, and were/are terrified of me. I have always been very nice to her boyfriends but also very matter of fact. They know the unspoken rule that they will deal with more than they want if my daughter gets hurt.

The current boyfriend found out 1st hand I don't play. Long story but last year he lived in Florida and she was visitng. (he now lives in our city). They were visiting his grandparents in Miami. They had been fighting for a few days and evidently it was escalating (not physical). She called home and I could tell my wife was upset so I got on the phone. It was a Sunday morning around 8am. (I was in Raleigh). I was on the grandparents front doorstep (in Miami) at noon and brought my daughter home. When it comes to my family I err on the side of caution.
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Old 03-07-2012, 06:24 AM
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Originally Posted by baypro21 View Post
No boy is going to pull up to my house and basically blow the horn for my 19yo daughter to run out. He will drag his tired ass up to the door, be invited in, and see my shoulder mounts on the wall. My daughter has had 2 boyfriends that were old enough to drive. They have both hung out with us, gone on vacation with us, and were/are terrified of me. I have always been very nice to her boyfriends but also very matter of fact. They know the unspoken rule that they will deal with more than they want if my daughter gets hurt.

The current boyfriend found out 1st hand I don't play. Long story but last year he lived in Florida and she was visitng. (he now lives in our city). They were visiting his grandparents in Miami. They had been fighting for a few days and evidently it was escalating (not physical). She called home and I could tell my wife was upset so I got on the phone. It was a Sunday morning around 8am. (I was in Raleigh). I was on the grandparents front doorstep (in Miami) at noon and brought my daughter home. When it comes to my family I err on the side of caution.
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Old 03-07-2012, 06:37 AM
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I'm lucky I never have to worry about stuff like that. My Wife is from an Italian neighborhood in Connecticut and she would go make him come in the house try to feed him and talk his ear off. Once she got done with him we would know everything about him, Guaranteed.
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Old 03-07-2012, 07:10 AM
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Hate to tell you this,but after raising 4 daughters,all with post grad. degrees and one in medical school, you have no say in any of this !! She will ignore any advice you give unless she comes and asks for it. Avoid being judgemental as that will shut her down to you immediately. She'll progress at her own pace,be there if she needs you and,,if you did a good job,she'll make the right decisions. If she shows signs of getting serious then you have to lower the hammer,cut off her financing,etc unless that will drive her to him !
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Old 03-07-2012, 07:23 AM
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Originally Posted by Cuzmondo View Post
. Yes, she is 18, but still in High School and living in our home.

Thats what I'm talking about!

My daughter is 14....I'll be there soon!
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Old 03-07-2012, 07:29 AM
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Originally Posted by GT FISH View Post
If she gets pregnant you could be a grandpa?
Your right and I would whoop his ass for screwing up two lives.not saying they won't succeed because some do.there chances will be limited.
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Old 03-07-2012, 07:31 AM
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I'm 35 now, married w/ kids. But, in HS, I dated girls w/ families (or lack of) that ran 1 end to the other.
Adopted (Dad too worried about daughter)
Divorced (Stepdad not worried enough)
Happily married (pretty normal, what you'd expect)
Single mom (very hard on me, maybe a little overboard) This one's actually my wife

As a HS kid, I can say that I was brought up right and always on my best behavior when dealing w/ the parents. Is it a little false advertising? Maybe, but I knew the rules and followed them. I was pretty shy and really appreciated it when the adult broke the ice, so to speak. If you want the kid to be honest w/ you, try to be honest w/ him. I can't tell you how nice it would have been to go out fishing w/ some of the Dad's just to be in a comfort zone for both of us. I had one Dad test me by having me detail his truck, 3-4 hrs later, cleanest old beater in Lake City and no date that night, LOL!
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Old 03-07-2012, 07:31 AM
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Originally Posted by 08087 View Post
When I was 21 the last thing I wanted to do was hang around a girls parents. No offense to you or the girls I dated, just wanted to be doing my own thing without you looking over every fault. And lets face it at 21 we all have tons of faults.

The only parents I ever felt comfortable with were the realy smart ones that laid things out on the table for me.

"This is what we want for our daughter, this is what we expect from you, were not your friend were her parents but we can be friendly, understand the difference."

Dad was super nice and so was mom, they were rich and educated, I'm sure they new I was the flavor of the month but they were very nice, I always liked direct kind of people and always liked them.

no easy answer for you, but if the guy isn't warming up to you, let him slip away, you can't force it. My little one is 2 and I don't look forward to the day when I'm on your end. But by then I'll be 65 and be more like a grandfather (I hope).

Best of luck, educate her and it'll be OK. (That's what I keep telling myself)

Best answer out of all responses in my opinion. To be very honest about these responses overall. Any response that tells you to stay out of her life because she's 18 now and blau..blau..blau.. is a very liberal and lazy way of dealing with this situation.

In no uncertain terms, have a very direct but polite talk with this guy and lay down the law. Tell him what you will and will not tolerate, then explain to him the difference between a "friend" and a "parent". Trust me, most parents don't know the difference. Anyone who tells you to butt out is in my opinion, not a good parent!

Kids need discipline, always have, always will. That's the way they know you give a damn about them!

Good luck!
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Old 03-07-2012, 07:33 AM
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Originally Posted by baypro21 View Post
No boy is going to pull up to my house and basically blow the horn for my 19yo daughter to run out. He will drag his tired ass up to the door, be invited in, and see my shoulder mounts on the wall. My daughter has had 2 boyfriends that were old enough to drive. They have both hung out with us, gone on vacation with us, and were/are terrified of me. I have always been very nice to her boyfriends but also very matter of fact. They know the unspoken rule that they will deal with more than they want if my daughter gets hurt.

The current boyfriend found out 1st hand I don't play. Long story but last year he lived in Florida and she was visitng. (he now lives in our city). They were visiting his grandparents in Miami. They had been fighting for a few days and evidently it was escalating (not physical). She called home and I could tell my wife was upset so I got on the phone. It was a Sunday morning around 8am. (I was in Raleigh). I was on the grandparents front doorstep (in Miami) at noon and brought my daughter home. When it comes to my family I err on the side of caution.


Now THIS GUY is a parent!!!!!!!

Learn from him!!
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Old 03-07-2012, 07:34 AM
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Wow, glad I have some time for this, my oldest is only 7.

Anyhow, this sounds like when I met my wife. She was 19 and living at home, I was 23. She was from a upper class family and I was a kid from the streets of Philly. Her old man was a VP at a big Pharma company, I was a college drop out. I was mentally intimadated by him, he was physically intimadated by me. He hated that I didn't have a degree and figured I was no good for his daughter. And she was his oldest, so he wasn't broken in yet.

The relationship between him and I struggled for a few years...

That was 17 years ago, we are best friends and his little girl is well taken care of.

Try to see what the kids future potential looks like. Look past your differences and try to remeber how you were at that age. Who know's, this kid may be your fishing buddy for the rest of your life.
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Old 03-07-2012, 07:41 AM
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Originally Posted by skindr View Post
Hate to tell you this,but after raising 4 daughters,all with post grad. degrees and one in medical school, you have no say in any of this !! She will ignore any advice you give unless she comes and asks for it. Avoid being judgemental as that will shut her down to you immediately. She'll progress at her own pace,be there if she needs you and,,if you did a good job,she'll make the right decisions. If she shows signs of getting serious then you have to lower the hammer,cut off her financing,etc unless that will drive her to him !
Don't understand this response at all. First your telling him to back off. Then your telling him to jump in all with all feet if it gets serious!

I don't agree with the first approach. I absolutely agree with the second! She's 18, she's a child, a baby, she has NO IDEA what's good or bad for her. That's why children MUST have parents that actually give a chit to what is going on with their kids life.

It sounds to me like you did a good job raising your girls, and I would bet $$ that you raised them doing a lot more of the "Lower the Hammer" then "not having any say" technique!
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Old 03-07-2012, 07:43 AM
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I always explained to the young men that she was my pride and joy. I also told them that I would do anything to protect her. I only ran one off but it was only after my daughter realized the guy was a jerk. You have to let them understand that this is not your truck you are loaning out, but she is your most prized posetion. Also letting the guy see all my marksmanship awards and my ass woopen certificates puts it into perspective for them. She is happily married now for about 6 or seven years and the guy treats her right. I'm glad we picked the right guy.
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Old 03-07-2012, 07:45 AM
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Originally Posted by baypro21 View Post
No boy is going to pull up to my house and basically blow the horn for my 19yo daughter to run out. He will drag his tired ass up to the door, be invited in, and see my shoulder mounts on the wall. My daughter has had 2 boyfriends that were old enough to drive. They have both hung out with us, gone on vacation with us, and were/are terrified of me. I have always been very nice to her boyfriends but also very matter of fact. They know the unspoken rule that they will deal with more than they want if my daughter gets hurt.

Don't take this personally - this is no reflection on you or your family...

I dated a few girls in my time - Just a few ... and the girls that had the dads that would "lay down the law" before we went out. The ones that would show me their guns and tell tough guys stories - WELL, those girls were typically the most fun to date.
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Old 03-07-2012, 07:55 AM
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I'm not there yet. My oldest is a 14 yo daughter. I'm not sure you can really stop them from doing anything or make them do anything if they've seriously committed themselves to something one way or another. I am sure, beyond a doubt, that I can be sure that my kids will fully understand my positions and opinions about every last stinking thing they do, say, and believe. That's your obligation as a parent. I think you have to make it clear to them that even if you disapprove of their choices, you will love them no matter what. I think that will keep them from being driven away. But what the hell do I know?
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Old 03-07-2012, 08:02 AM
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Originally Posted by macabear View Post
Thankfully, my daughter cares as much about family as we (mother and I) do. Not saying yours doesn't of course. I have spent her entire life treating her with respect and dignity. I open her car door and treat her like a lady. And she deserves it. I have also explained to her what I expect from a young man if he wants to date her. She knows I will not be flexible in this area. And believe it or not, she is very grateful that I love her that much.

We have had many frank conversations about life in general. I have always been very honest with her about young men and their desires. Because of this closeness, she has always communicated with me very openly. I pray that she always stays that way.

I think a father to daughter talk would be in order here. Just to remind her how much you love her and to express your concerns. There may be a simple reason for his behavior.

Good luck.
Care to share some details? My friend has a 2 year old daughter and I've been trying to push him towards being open about life (sex, drugs, drinking) when she needs him to be, he's not seeing it from that end. If I had a kid I would be very open about everything and hope we could discuss stuff like that.. just interested to hear how she took it, what you exactly said, etc. etc.
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Old 03-07-2012, 08:09 AM
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Originally Posted by Cuzmondo View Post
Wow, so many responses and all over the place too. A lot of what I'm hearing is good advice, and I appreciate all the feedback. One thing for sure, the guy is no stoner, doper, he's clean, neat, drives a nice Explorer he's tricked up a bit and takes very good care of. Somewhat mechanically inclined, so he's certainly not one of the total loser types; my daughter is way to smart to go for one of those type guys. Maybe I just expect too much. Will let it play out a while and in a tactful way explain to her what we'd like to seen in a guy.
If you are involved in church, invite him to a church function with the family.

If not......take him out to dinner or lunch with your wife and daughter. He maybe just shy. I was at that age. I used to feel more at ease when my GF's dad would just talk to me and not just stare/glaze at me as I walked by.

Its all about communicating.
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Old 03-07-2012, 08:10 AM
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Originally Posted by baypro21 View Post
No boy is going to pull up to my house and basically blow the horn for my 19yo daughter to run out. He will drag his tired ass up to the door, be invited in, and see my shoulder mounts on the wall. My daughter has had 2 boyfriends that were old enough to drive. They have both hung out with us, gone on vacation with us, and were/are terrified of me. I have always been very nice to her boyfriends but also very matter of fact. They know the unspoken rule that they will deal with more than they want if my daughter gets hurt.

The current boyfriend found out 1st hand I don't play. Long story but last year he lived in Florida and she was visitng. (he now lives in our city). They were visiting his grandparents in Miami. They had been fighting for a few days and evidently it was escalating (not physical). She called home and I could tell my wife was upset so I got on the phone. It was a Sunday morning around 8am. (I was in Raleigh). I was on the grandparents front doorstep (in Miami) at noon and brought my daughter home. When it comes to my family I err on the side of caution.
^^^^This^^^^

I know times change but your comments will be mine when my daughter becomes of age. She's 5 now.

And when I was dating as a young buck, I'll be dammed if I would sit my arse in the car and blow the horn. My Mom raised me better than that.
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Old 03-07-2012, 08:27 AM
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Originally Posted by swifty View Post
And when I was dating as a young buck, I'll be dammed if I would sit my arse in the car and blow the horn. My Mom raised me better than that.
Damn right! I would have been ashamed to pull something like that.
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Old 03-07-2012, 08:27 AM
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I'm not married and no kids. I've dated quite a few girls in my life, and if I know one thing it is they have no idea what they want till they are 26-27 years old. At least. Hes just the flavor of the week. I've had dads threaten me, challenge me, quiz me, whatever. By the second time I spent time with them, I could always tell they really liked me. I always went to the door. Always went to any family get togethers I was invited to. My downfall until the past couple of years was that I got along with her parents better then I did her, and they can't stand that!!!!! When they get a little older, they start looking for the guys that are similar to their dads. That is if they've had good relationships with them. I still have ex's dads come down and see me at the boat, randomly call me to go out for a drink, or just catch-up. Haha its pretty funny really.

Judging from my experiences over the last 10 years of dating, I would try to include him in everything you can. Fishing, hunting, range, projects around the house, etc. You will find out really quick how much your daughter likes him, and he your daughter.
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Old 03-07-2012, 08:45 AM
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Originally Posted by Jughed View Post
Don't take this personally - this is no reflection on you or your family...

I dated a few girls in my time - Just a few ... and the girls that had the dads that would "lay down the law" before we went out. The ones that would show me their guns and tell tough guys stories - WELL, those girls were typically the most fun to date.


I'm ok with fun. I had lots of fun at that age, still do. I didn't verbally lay down the law to any of them. I just think by them being around me they picked up on the love I have for my family and I'm sure realize how far I will go if needed should any problems occur.

I'm afraid I don't have any tough guy stories. Well, maybe just one. When I was 19 and my uncle was 20 (we were like brothers) we stopped a guy from beating on a young girl in the ChiChi's parking lot. He turned his attention to us and she drove away. He had been drinking and tried to get uppity. My uncle and I had been taking karate for a few years and had just gotten our 3rd brown. I think the guy took 1 swing at my uncle. He stepped aside and grabbed his arm and put him in a wrist lock. The guy was still mouthy so my uncle applied more pressure. He then promised to be good and was let up. The idiot took another swing so I punched him in his solar plexus. We left him puking in the parking lot and ran to our car. (we were young and dumb).

I've stood up for myself many times over the years but thankfully that's the last time I've had to hit anyone. I haven't had to shoot anyone either.
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