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Advice needed for my mom adrift in Florida.

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Advice needed for my mom adrift in Florida.

Old 01-18-2011, 10:37 AM
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Default Advice needed for my mom adrift in Florida.

This is a complicated and shitty situation. My 60 yr old semi-functioning alcoholic mom lives in Ponte Vedra FL and is in dire straits. She's been living down there with an abusive alcoholic for several years. They have a history of fighting with each other. I've been woken up at 3am by the St. John's county sheriff's dept.more than once. Most recently both were charged with battery and he lost his job coaching girl's softball. My mother has not worked in 5 or so years and when he lost his job he decided to leave her. So now she's being evicted from her condo, is on probation, has nowhere to go, no money and apparently has cancer.

I would love to help her more, but she's incredibly belligerent, reluctant to help herself and still expects to be "rescued". Her credibility is also in question. I've learned long ago it's useless to help those unwilling to help themselves. I've given her money on many occasions and all she does is spend it and expect more.

I live in NJ and am getting married in a few months. I live with my fiance in a one bedroom condo. I simply cannot have her living on my couch. I don't have enough money to get her in a treatment program, and I doubt she'd go. She wants to come up here and live, but neither I or my sister have room for her. She has 3 sisters who apparently won't help her either.

I pay to keep her cell phone on, and I'll give her money for cancer meds if needed, but I really have no idea what to do with her. She calls me about 5 times a day and is putting a strain on my relationship.

Anyone have any words of advice or encouragement? I feel incredibly guilty I cannot do more to help.
Old 01-18-2011, 10:41 AM
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Stop feeling guilty, get a new phone number, do not give it to mom. End of story.

You cannot help people that do not want to help themselves. I went through virtually the same thing with a sister. Finally got fed up and wrote her off, the only thing I was doing by sending money and constantly being there for her every little crisis was enabling her.
Old 01-18-2011, 10:46 AM
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Do not bring her to live with you, if you want to remain in your relationship. I feel for you, BUT try not to let this situation mess with your life. Prayers!
Old 01-18-2011, 10:46 AM
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Wow. That's a tough one. My uncle went through something similar when he was got married 20 years ago. Him and his wife came VERY close to splitting up because of his mother. To this day, at the age of 90, she still bounces around between her 4 kids.. Living with each of them for 3 month.
You're definitely in a tougher situation with no room in the house... Best of luck to you!
Old 01-18-2011, 10:52 AM
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I feel for you, tough situation. Whatever you do put your Fiance and you first. It's a tough situation but sounds like nothing good will come of it. Maybe you can get her sisters/you and your sister to chip in a few bucks to get her a really cheap apartment down there. Not a permanent solution to a treatment program but at least you will know she has a roof over her head.
Old 01-18-2011, 11:12 AM
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While I agree with most that was said, I agree most with bjm9818. Try to round up the family members to chip in for a place for her.Dont give her the money, one of you will have to pay the rent direct. But she has to realize with the help you give her she is going to have to agree to certain terms. NO calls from Police in the middle of the night. No calls asking for more money. She MUST hold down a job no matter what it is...even if its drying cars at the local car wash, she has to be doing something.And whatever else your family thinks should be a term. Good Luck
Old 01-18-2011, 11:23 AM
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I'll offer words of encouragement. I don't know how old you are but you are doing the exact right thing, your mom is past the point of help from you and others, she needs to help herself first.

This in no way is a reflection of how much or little you love your mom, tough love is hard to delve out but it is also the kind she needs most.

She may never recover, but you cannot take this on your own, she has many other family members that have written her off, you can't all be wrong.

Is your father around? If so what does he have to say about her?

Take it one day at a time but keep the distance needed for your relationship to survive. Your girlfriend should be able to support you in this and not beat you up over your internal conflict. What your going through is hard for anyone that finds themselves in this situation.

Be strong and remember it's not your fault.
Old 01-18-2011, 11:37 AM
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Originally Posted by Jimm View Post
Do not bring her to live with you, if you want to remain in your relationship.
Until she decides to do something with her life there will be no changes in her behavior

It is a long road to recovery . . . have an uncle who is an alcoholic . . . he says that he will be an alcoholic for the rest of his life . . . been sober for about 3 years now

Sorry to hear the bad news
Old 01-18-2011, 11:44 AM
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Originally Posted by auguste View Post
Until she decides to do something with her life there will be no changes in her behavior
This is true. She needs to hit rock bottom. Sounds shitty, but that's how it works with addicts and alcoholics. If you continue to be an enabler, she'll continue to take advantage of it. Good luck with it.
Old 01-18-2011, 11:46 AM
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No one chooses their parents and just because someone cranked out a kid doesn't mean they are a good person, a good parent, worth saving, etc.

Best advice, since she won't help herself and your wife will probably be around a lot longer then your mom is to move on, tough love, all that stuff.

Sucks, but it's ok to let an adult sort things out for themselves after you've tried to help. If she's your mom and a good one, she'd want you to be happy and not be a burden on you and your relationship at all.

All this is easier said then done but it's best in the long run since nothing has changed up until now.

Good luck,

J
Old 01-18-2011, 11:46 AM
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Simple one. Cut bait. May not be the correct thing to say... but you're going to destroy your life for a person that has destroyed hers.
Old 01-18-2011, 11:49 AM
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I don't have any answers, wish I did cause I need them. Sometimes it helps to hear you're not the only one, it's not your fault, you don't need to feel guilty, insert whatever else here.

Take care of number one (you) first, then number two (fiance). Don't allow this to get between you two and absolutely do not look down your nose at professional counseling - for yourself.

I'm up to my neck in troubled souls and sometimes I just want to go far far away from them all.

Hang in there.
Old 01-18-2011, 11:53 AM
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I'm really sorry for you and your mom. Alcohol is a killer. You can love her most by cutting her off financially and letting her fall on her face all by herself. It's not easy to do. Until she falls hard enough she won't want to get up. Once she feels like she can't get up she may want to. Then she can get help. For you, find an Alanon group through the phone book, go to meetings, get a sponsor, and pray a lot. There is a way out. Sadly sometimes it is death. I feel like I shouldn't have said that, but it is true. Don't hesitate to PM if you need.
Mike
Old 01-18-2011, 11:58 AM
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Thanks for the advice guys. My father actually offered to let her come up and stay at his spare bedroom, but she still holds a grudge against him and he's not entirely comfortable having here there unsupervised with cash and guns in the house.

I tried to coordinate with her sisters, but unfortunately they claim it's my problem to deal with her because I'm her child. They were actually very nasty about it, I don't understand their mentality at all.
Old 01-18-2011, 12:02 PM
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[QUOTE=Dulcecita Lures;3471928]Stop feeling guilty, get a new phone number, do not give it to mom. End of story.

You cannot help people that do not want to help themselves. I went through virtually the same thing with a sister. Finally got fed up and wrote her off, the only thing I was doing by sending money and constantly being there for her every little crisis was enabling her.[/QUOTE

X2

They will continue their ways until THEY want help. Stay strong and enjoy the life that you have with your new bride. Vow to yourself to never put your kids through what you've been through and move on
Old 01-18-2011, 12:06 PM
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can't offer you much more advice than has been offerd,I am in the PVB area everyday and if you like I will drop food off to her for you.
Old 01-18-2011, 12:19 PM
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While my mother is not nearly as bad off as yours, she drives me crazy always thinking she is the victim and in need of help. I jump through hoops to help those that are trying, I will NOT help those that can't help themselves.

You can offer cell phone service, a few $$$ for her meds, words of encouragement. You cannot move her to NJ, it would surely ruin your relationship with your fiance.

Good Luck
Old 01-18-2011, 12:25 PM
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Originally Posted by tommyr904 View Post
can't offer you much more advice than has been offerd,I am in the PVB area everyday and if you like I will drop food off to her for you.
She gets food stamps. I might have you drop flowers off to a very helpful female deputy at St.Johns county sheriff's.
Old 01-18-2011, 12:31 PM
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Originally Posted by GMILLS88 View Post
She gets food stamps. I might have you drop flowers off to a very helpful female deputy at St.Johns county sheriff's.
Now that would most definitely be appreciated and a big surprise . . . and maybe a few for your Mom at the same time

She needs to know that she is loved before she can decide to do something

Re your Dad . . . my aunt bought a large gun safe and moved her valuables and important documents to her daughter's place BEFORE my uncle returned . . . your Dad may/should consider this before he goes too much farther

PS Knives and not guns are a woman's weapon of choice
Old 01-18-2011, 12:46 PM
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What kind of cancer is it? Days may be short.

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