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Advice needed for my mom adrift in Florida.

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Advice needed for my mom adrift in Florida.

Old 01-18-2011, 06:30 PM
  #41  
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How sad. All I can offer is that you help her (not enable her) to
the best of your ability in a fashion that does not jeopardize
YOUR happiness, relationships, finances etc! Which I think is the gist
of what everyone has posted so far!

Best wishes.
Old 01-18-2011, 07:04 PM
  #42  
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G,
I broke down your post so maybe you can see what we see.
Please, I mean no disrespect. It is a terrible thing for anyone to go through and the fact you are seeking any kind of outside help, reassurance, guidance, shows that you have a good heart and want to do the right thing. I commend you for that.
Some of my post is just trying to understand.
Professional guidance for you to make the correct decisions would be a first step and they may not be correct either. Take it "under advisement", with a grain of salt.

"First, seek to understand, then to be understood"


Originally Posted by GMILLS88 View Post
This is a complicated and shitty situation. My 60 yr old semi-functioning alcoholic mom lives in Ponte Vedra FL and is in dire straits.

Choices she has made:

She's been living down there with in his condo? an abusive alcoholic for several years.

They have a history of fighting with each other.

I've been woken up at 3am by the St. John's county sheriff's dept.more than once. If she REALLY cared, she would not do this to you, multiple times.

Most recently both were charged with battery and he lost his job coaching girl's softball. He could afford the condo coaching softball? Somethings fishy.

My mother has not worked in 5 or so years and when he lost his job he decided to leave her. Wasn't it his condo?

So now
she's being evicted from her his? condo,is on probation, For Battery?
has nowhere to go,
no money
and apparently has cancer. Be sure that is true, (I hope not) Check with the hospital(s). She may be playing another sympathy card for money and attention.

Read what you wrote.

I would love to help her more, but:

she's incredibly belligerent,
reluctant to help herself
and still expects to be "rescued".
Her credibility is also in question.

I've learned long ago it's useless to help those unwilling to help themselves. Very true.

I've given her money on many occasions and all she does is spend it and expect more. Stop.

I live in NJ and am getting married in a few months.
I live with my fiance in a one bedroom condo. That is a blessing in disguise or you would have moved her in with you.

I simply cannot have her living on my couch. I don't have enough money to get her in a treatment program, and I doubt she'd go.

She wants to come up here and live, DON"T!!!! but neither I or my sister have room for her.
She has 3 sisters who apparently won't help her either. Talk to them and find out why. What do they know that maybe you don't?

I pay to keep her cell phone on,You can get her phone for emergency use only or maybe the one she has now can do that.
and I'll give her money ? for cancer meds Check this out! if needed, but I really have no idea what to do with her.

She calls me about 5 times a day and is putting a strain on my relationship. Your future comes first!

Anyone have any words of advice or encouragement? I feel incredibly guilty I cannot do more to help. You already may be doing too much
Old 01-18-2011, 07:33 PM
  #43  
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Originally Posted by 240 LTS View Post
G,
I broke down your post so maybe you can see what we see.
Please, I mean no disrespect. It is a terrible thing for anyone to go through and the fact you are seeking any kind of outside help, reassurance, guidance, shows that you have a good heart and want to do the right thing. I commend you for that.
Some of my post is just trying to understand.
Professional guidance for you to make the correct decisions would be a first step and they may not be correct either. Take it "under advisement", with a grain of salt.

"First, seek to understand, then to be understood"

Her story is a long story, but isn't everyones?

The guy manipulated her. She had no job and lost her rented condo, he was a softball coach with a DUI(several) and no way to get to his job. She drove him around in her car in return for free rent. The school he coached for caught wind of his battery charge and fired him.
Old 01-19-2011, 04:26 AM
  #44  
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Originally Posted by GMILLS88 View Post
She gets food stamps. I might have you drop flowers off to a very helpful female deputy at St.Johns county sheriff's.
I f you need help in regards to SJSO let me know, I have some connections there... I really wish you would enable your PM's as I will not post some of this stuff on the internet. As afr as making someone except help that is tuff.. In Florida they have whats called a Marchman Act where after you swear out a warrant of sorts to have your mother picked up for some immediate substance abuse treatment (up to 72 and its involuntary)..

http://www.marchmanactflorida.com/


BTW: ITS HIS MOTHER, I also would be trying to do all I could. You have to exhaust every avenue before you abandon family, GEEZ

Last edited by Cracker; 01-19-2011 at 05:21 AM.
Old 01-19-2011, 04:52 AM
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Berst thing you can do is cut her loose, she will not change or get it together as long as she thinks someone will come and prop her up.
Old 01-19-2011, 05:40 AM
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In Florida, she can dial 211 and be given a myriad of social services and guidance. Good luck to you.
Old 01-19-2011, 06:48 AM
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You are going through a very sad and conflictive situation.

I understand you are willing to help her, because she is your Mom.

Sorry I cannot help you with advice, as things are a lot different in my country.

But I wish you find the best way to deal with this problem.
Old 01-19-2011, 07:58 AM
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Sounds like a social/welfare deal there is probably a county or state agency that can deal with this.
Old 01-19-2011, 09:31 AM
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Sorry to hear.

Having some experience (not my mother though) in your dilemma with a family member, you have to remember that you cannot be a savior if the other person doesn't want to help themselves.

My GF's neighbor got to the point where she really couldn't take care of herself due to health and age problems. We checked on her almost every night and had to call the paramedics and police several times. We found the neighbor laying on the floor several times and she didn't remember anything that happened. The police eventually called Social Services and she was taken to a care facility to live. We felt bad for her but she is a very stubborn person.

Good luck.
Old 01-19-2011, 10:12 AM
  #50  
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I am a recovering Alcoholic.

I've been sober going on 14 years.....

This is my $.02............

Put her in jail. By any means necessary. Does she have warrants? Call that female sherriff's officer.

Don't bail her out.

This will accomplish a few, very improtant things:

1.) You will know where she is at all times and she will be supervised.

2.) She will be warm and she will eat 3 times/day.

3.) 3 a.m. phone calls will stop.

4.) Her supposed medical condition will be either confirmed or the truth will come out. If it is confirmed, it will be monitored and cared for (Yes, it will be substandard care, but it will be care nonetheless).

5.) She will detox, weather she wants to or not. Drugs are available in jail, but booze is hard to come by. When she gets out, she might start drinking again, but at least she will detox and be sober for a while which may lead to her having a moment of clarity. This moment of clarity might enable her to start seriously thinking about recovery.

6.) There is a chance that this will be her rock bottom.

7.) There are recovery program meetings available in jail. Sometimes, inmates actually go to them out of sheer boredom. It's amazing what you will do in jail just to keep your mind occupied (ask me how I know). Not only are meetings available, in jail, they're segregated by gender. If she chooses to wander into a recovery meeting in jail, she will be surrounded by other women who will have alot in common with her, ie: Addictions, Addictive Personalities, Family Problems due to Chamical Dependancy, Abusive Relationships, etc. Knowing you're not unique or alone in your chemical dependancy is a BIG deal.....Trust me on this one.

8.) You will regain some piece of mind knowing what I described above. It sounds harsh and it's hard to do, but you will feel better and be able to sleep at night.



Hope this helps


Edit: "Cutting her loose" isn't going to work so don't bother. She will ALWAYS find a way to make sure she can contact you. In other words, when push comes to shove, the stray dog will always find a way to your backdoor if it's been fed there before.

ALSO...........Very Important...There are groups for people in your situation.....Adult Children of Alcoholics is one and Alanon is another http://www.nj-al-anon.org/. These groups aren't for Alcoholics, but they are for the families of Alcoholics. Call your local hospital and they will give you information about these groups and where/when their meeting are. Believe me when I tell you that you are not in a unique situation. Contact these people and draw from their experiences and success stories.
Old 01-19-2011, 10:13 AM
  #51  
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Like Stringle said, 211 for social services. You should use it too. If she is trying to relocate you can find a shelter for her. We did this for my S-I-L last year.

If you can afford it, maybe you can have 2 cell numbers for your self. Tell her you've cancelled your land-line and only give her one of the cell numbers. Leave it off until it's convenient for you to check.

Good luck!
Old 01-19-2011, 10:24 AM
  #52  
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Originally Posted by sixpack324 View Post
I am a recovering Alcoholic.

I've been sober going on 14 years.....

This is my $.02............

Put her in jail. By any means necessary. Does she have warrants? Call that female sherriff's officer.

Don't bail her out.

This will accomplish a few, very improtant things:

1.) You will know where she is at all times and she will be supervised.

2.) She will be warm and she will eat 3 times/day.

3.) 3 a.m. phone calls will stop.

4.) Her supposed medical condition will be either confirmed or the truth will come out. If it is confirmed, it will be monitored and cared for (Yes, it will be substandard care, but it will be care nonetheless).

5.) She will detox, weather she wants to or not. Drugs are available in jail, but booze is hard to come by. When she gets out, she might start drinking again, but at least she will detox and be sober for a while which may lead to her having a moment of clarity. This moment of clarity might enable her to start seriously thinking about recovery.

6.) There is a chance that this will be her rock bottom.

7.) There are recovery program meetings available in jail. Sometimes, inmates actually go to them out of sheer boredom. It's amazing what you will do in jail just to keep your mind occupied (ask me how I know). Not only are meetings available, in jail, they're segregated by gender. If she chooses to wander into a recovery meeting in jail, she will be surrounded by other women who will have alot in common with her, ie: Addictions, Addictive Personalities, Family Problems due to Chamical Dependancy, Abusive Relationships, etc. Knowing you're not unique or alone in your chemical dependancy is a BIG deal.....Trust me on this one.

8.) You will regain some piece of mind knowing what I described above. It sounds harsh and it's hard to do, but you will feel better and be able to sleep at night.



Hope this helps


Edit: "Cutting her loose" isn't going to work so don't bother. She will ALWAYS find a way to make sure she can contact you. In other words, when push comes to shove, the stray dog will always find a way to your backdoor if it's been fed there before.

ALSO...........Very Important...There are groups for people in your situation.....Adult Children of Alcoholics is one and Alanon is another http://www.nj-al-anon.org/. These groups aren't for Alcoholics, but they are for the families of Alcoholics. Call your local hospital and they will give you information about these groups and where/when their meeting are. Believe me when I tell you that you are not in a unique situation. Contact these people and draw from their experiences and success stories.
I have been a criminal defense attorney for 14 years. I have been watching this thread wanting to say the same thing. The advise given bove is the best that has been posted. I know it is harsh, but it IS correct.

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