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Advice needed for my mom adrift in Florida.

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Advice needed for my mom adrift in Florida.

Old 01-18-2011, 12:53 PM
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GMILLS sorry to hear about your trouble. i know its a very tough situation ive been in some similar in the past. she definately needs to hit rock bottom before she'll decide to help herself. the longer you help her the longer it will take. its a tough decision to make but in the end its the right one. i dont know if you're religious or not and im not trying to be holier than thou or force something religious on you. but the bible does say a man must leave his father and mother and cling to his wife. you're going to be married she needs to #1 no if, ands, or buts about it. its easy when you're trying to help someone, to fall into a state of mind, where you hold yourself accountable for their mistakes and play the maybe i could have game. dont go down that road. nothing that happens is your fault and nothing you can do can change the outcome. best of luck to you.
Old 01-18-2011, 12:54 PM
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Originally Posted by tommyr904 View Post
can't offer you much more advice than has been offerd,I am in the PVB area everyday and if you like I will drop food off to her for you.
Very kind of you...

Originally Posted by GMILLS88 View Post
She gets food stamps. I might have you drop flowers off to a very helpful female deputy at St.Johns county sheriff's.
well said


and to all and the OP...Great advice above for a horribly sad situation. It brings tears to my eyes. I can only imagine how you must feel.

I no longer have my Mom and Dad but will take this opportunity to call or email my kids now and to reflect on all the wonderful relationships we do have and had that we take for granted. I am so guilty of ingratitude. Be thankful for what you do have.

Life is surely a long lesson in humility.
Old 01-18-2011, 01:05 PM
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Originally Posted by Bugbuster View Post
What kind of cancer is it? Days may be short.
Cervical, but I can't count how many medical emergencies/ attention ploys she's had in the past 10 years with my fingers and toes.

I'm trying to find her a job doing anything, she'd be a great telemarketer or receptionist. She looks presentable and can talk your ear off. She could do it if she wanted to.

The sad part is that she was a good mother up until my teenage years. Left my dad because she didn't get the Mercedes SL and fur coat for her 40th. Went to florida looking for a meal ticket
Old 01-18-2011, 01:18 PM
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This is a very tough situation for sure. However, there is one thing that I will assure you of. Continuing to help her may keep her from getting the help she really needs. I speak from experience.

Also, at her age, she may be of the mindset that she can't or won't change, so what's the use.

There are still many places available for recovering alcoholic females and family. She can get into a treatment center if she wishes. But it will do no good if it's not her call.

Interventions don't work well for people your Mom's age...

Last edited by triumphrick; 01-18-2011 at 06:23 PM.
Old 01-18-2011, 01:49 PM
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My words of advice form dealing with a drug-addict son is: DON'T BE AN ENABLER. They are on a path of destruction and like the tar-baby, they will drag you into their hell. Attend an AA meeting to see their approach. These rehab clinics are a big scam as far as I'm concerned. Don't burn up your life's savings pouring money into them. Their cure rate (never published) has got to be incredibly low, like maybe 2-4%. Those are terribel odds, yet their commercials present a story like they can cure 90% of the addicts out there, if only they were in their program.

Usually their is state aid/programs available. So don't get involved. Get a new phone number. These addicts love to put the guilt trip on you. They are very manipulative. Don't be a rope-a-dope. They whine, complain, make you feel responsible, "What am I goin' to do?". I've heard it all. How did everybody else do it? Huh? It's tough and I know how ya feel. Been there, done that. Talk with the AA or NA people.
Old 01-18-2011, 01:53 PM
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Also, don't get involved helping her get a job. You're being an enabler. You're hopeful (everybody is naturally) that this will be the one thing that solves her problems. It Ain't. She'll end up either quitting or getting fired after a short time period on the job. Let HER get herself a job. You're being an enabler by helping her.
Old 01-18-2011, 03:09 PM
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Originally Posted by GMILLS88 View Post
Thanks for the advice guys. My father actually offered to let her come up and stay at his spare bedroom, but she still holds a grudge against him and he's not entirely comfortable having here there unsupervised with cash and guns in the house.

I tried to coordinate with her sisters, but unfortunately they claim it's my problem to deal with her because I'm her child. They were actually very nasty about it, I don't understand their mentality at all.
Your last paragraph in the above blurb says it all. If her own sisters are not willing to help her or do anything about it, and they are nasty to boot then you certainly should not ruin your life for hers. Now, with that said, I do not agree with others here who have said to just cut all strings and walk away, she is and will always be your Mom. I will tell you what I did with my grandfather who sounds an awful lot like your Mom.

My grandfather, (God rest his soul) decided at the ripe old age of 85 to start to enjoy the (women of the night) in Ft Lauderdale and what a hell of a time I had dealing with all the arrests, drug abuse in his house, stealing, Lie's, abuse. etc. etc. etc..... I finally had to have him "Baker acted" It's where you go to court and ask the judge for complete legal custody over the person so you are the only one to make decision for them. YOU become the parent.

I was able to get him into a state run nursing home that I checked out myself..... looked at 20 or so, lord did most of them stink. But found two that were fairly nice. Had him placed in there against his will where he spent the next 11 years making everyone miserable, except me! I visited him every 2nd month from Central Florida, until he passed.

those first years were some of the hardest years of my life, having to be a parent to my grandfather, but I know I did the right thing. You just don't abandon family no matter what!!! But, you also don't let it ruin your life either.
Old 01-18-2011, 03:12 PM
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PM me if you need,I'll be happy to help any way I can.
Old 01-18-2011, 03:15 PM
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She wants to be a victim.
Old 01-18-2011, 03:20 PM
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Some of us got bad parents; last I saw my mom was about 36 years ago. Tried to make contact about 8 or 9 years ago but things were no different. People don't change so it's likely she'll just screw up your life too. It's sad but that's just the way it usually works.
Old 01-18-2011, 03:30 PM
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Originally Posted by Bugbuster View Post
What kind of cancer is it? Days may be short.
Salt in a open wound?
Old 01-18-2011, 03:50 PM
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Gmills. I feel your pain!!!!! If you feel you must help, then go here yourself http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

I will say, I did go to a 28 day re-hab 1 year after losing my mother, and 1 year and a half after going through a divorce, been sober since Feb 11th 1999.

Please,Please,Please, you and your fiance try and make a couple of those meetings.

There is scattered very good info on here, but this obviously is killing you (thats why you asked for advise), and some of the info given might not allow you to lay your head on a pillow at night gilt free.

DONT ENABLE!!!!!!!!! That doesn't mean you have to shut down your heart!!!!!
Old 01-18-2011, 03:53 PM
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Tried the family intervention with my father-in-law, an alcoholic. Worked - for two days. He checked himself into re-hab only to check himself out 2 days later. Stayed sober for a little while but eventually went back to drinking. His wife, also an alcoholic has thrown him out many times but he gets his act together for a while and she takes him back in - which is helpful to us in that we are not the house of last resort. In his mid-seventies now he looks about 90+ but to his credit has been sober for the last two years or so. I don't know what made him decide it was time to stay clean but I do know that 20 years of nagging, threatening, sending money did not work. He lost his career at IBM over his addiction and several subsequent jobs after that. Since he was my father-in-law I did not get too emotionally involved but it was tough on my wife and her sister so I have a sense of what you are going through and know it can't be easy.
Best of luck to you.
Old 01-18-2011, 04:12 PM
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Originally Posted by GulfC View Post
Some of us got bad parents; last I saw my mom was about 36 years ago. Tried to make contact about 8 or 9 years ago but things were no different. People don't change so it's likely she'll just screw up your life too. It's sad but that's just the way it usually works.
You don't get to choose your parents or your children, only your friends and your spouse. Tough love is in order. You are a wise man. Don't do anything that puts her in a position to take money or jeopardize your relationship with your fiancee. You are obligated to nothing at this stage. Just do what you are able and comfortable with. Try contacting Catholic Charities in her community. They have resources.
Old 01-18-2011, 04:15 PM
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Here is what a close friend of mine did for his drug addicted brother. His brother lost everything, a $500K home, his wife, and his 4 kids to cocaine and crack. About every month his brother would go on a binge and end up getting into trouble. My buddy would spend days trying to find him.

He ended up getting his brother on disability for bi-polar disorder, got him a trailer to live in for $5K and set it up so the disability payments went to him so he could pay payments for the trailer and pay his lot rent. Gives him just enough money to survive but not enough to buy any drugs.

Isn't there any kind of treatment center that would take her in for Medicare? How about a shelter of some kind? I feel for the situation you are in, but I would turn it back around on her and ask her what SHE is going to do. She should be able to get welfare, and get into some kind of welfare shelter until she actually gets welfare.
Has she done anything for herself?

Russ
Old 01-18-2011, 04:25 PM
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You have a shitty situation. The thing about shitty situations is that it's going to suck no matter what you do. I'm not trying to depress you here, but rather set a realistic level of expectation. Some people think that when faced with a difficult situation it becomes easy once the decision is made, but that's not true and sets you up for failure. If you decide to let her hit rock bottom, it will be VERY difficult for you. IF you do everything you can to help her, it will still be very difficult for you. It's easy for me to be callous because it's not me. Again, not trying to be a jerk, so please please don't take it that way.

First, talk it over with your girl, so you don't find yourself stuck choosing between one of them. Find out what she thinks. Second, don't confuse love with enablement. People with afflictions like this cannot get by without enablers, the people who love them but actually enable them to continue this behavior.

It's not a fun position to be in, and my prayers are with you.
Old 01-18-2011, 04:28 PM
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Ponte Vedra = $$... She have any ?
Old 01-18-2011, 05:06 PM
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Originally Posted by triplenet View Post
Ponte Vedra = $$... She have any ?
No, she was in search of it.

Thanks everyone for letting me get this off my chest, I do feel a lot better. I have a VERY supportive fiance, a great dad and two great sisters. Unfortunately I've always been the point man for dealing with family crisis.
Old 01-18-2011, 05:57 PM
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I would get with your fiance, come up with a plan to call social services get her on welfare or what ever she qualifys for, get her on food stamps. Talk to a social worker and see what they can do for her.

That way you tried your best with out you having to take on the burden. It won't get ride of all the guilt, but its better then turning your back.
Old 01-18-2011, 06:19 PM
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Originally Posted by GMILLS88 View Post
Thanks for the advice guys. My father actually offered to let her come up and stay at his spare bedroom, but she still holds a grudge against him and he's not entirely comfortable having here there unsupervised with cash and guns in the house.

I tried to coordinate with her sisters, but unfortunately they claim it's my problem to deal with her because I'm her child. They were actually very nasty about it, I don't understand their mentality at all.

At leaset you know where you stand with your Aunts, there will come a time when they will look to you for something and you'll look back on today for your reply to them.

I don't expect other family to "do" anything, but they can offer compassion and/or advice.

Your dad can lock up his cash and guns, but if she can't be trusted it is far better to leave her where she is if and until she comes to her senses.

After reading how she left the family and for what reasons you may be far better off with her in Fl. No woman would ever leave her children cause she didn't get a couple of items.

That's a BS excuse, you can turn it right around and say, I can't help you cause I didn't get the mother I wanted.

I don't want to sound cold or uncaring and I don't want to bash your mom, it sounds like she has many issues outside the booze. Let it alone until she's ready for help, now is not the time.

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