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Question for middle aged married guys and divorced...

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Question for middle aged married guys and divorced...

Old 10-20-2010, 08:22 PM
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Default Question for middle aged married guys and divorced...

Babesaurus posted a thread about his divorce and as I read through many of the posts including his, I noticed that many people stated that they knew they were at least partially to blame to the failure of a marriage.

So for us younger guys who are still starting families and still on the newer side of marriage......

Whats your advice to us?

I am 34, married to a wonderful woman that I met on a blind date. I consider her my best friend, we have two children (one about 4 years old and the other about 4 months old) we go out as a family with kids, we go out just the two of us, and we both have wonderful careers. Above all, I consider us to be good communicators. HOWEVER....I dont think I am above failure and I also dont take my marriage for granted seeing as how horrible my parents relationship is. I dont want to end up like them.

so lets hear it???
Old 10-20-2010, 08:27 PM
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The most important thing is to be yourself...truly, who you are. There will be aspects of yourself that she won't like, just as there will be aspects of her that you won't like. But it's the truth, and you and her can learn to accept it. Lies are what get you in a whole lot of trouble...
Old 10-20-2010, 09:04 PM
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My advice from a guy that has been married for over 25 years. Make sure your wife has a life outside of you. Meaning that she has her own friends, has hobbies, etc. My wife basically gave up everything except for me when we got married. Everything in her life revolved around me and what I was doing. It caused a lot of problems early in our marriage but eventually she started seeing her friends again and I wasn't the total center of her world.

Another thing is that almost every argument is based on selfishness between you or your spouse. It's hard to explain what I mean, more like arguments are caused because neither of you are willing to comprimise something. It could be what he/she wants to do that the other one doesn't. It could be a lot of things but try not to be selfish and learn early to comprimise.

For the guy, you need to understand that guys think by logic, women think with emotion. Just because something seems totally logical to you and doesn't seem like a big deal, from an emotional standpoint it means a lot more to the women. For example, if she tells you about something that happened at work she isn't looking for advice on the situation. She just wants you to say "I understand how that made you feel", don't always think you need to offer advice or find a solution to what she is telling you.

The last thing I can offer is that I don't know a single friend of mine that got divorced that didn't wish they would have tried harder to work it out. In fact 3 of my really close friends that got divorced are basically miserable. One of them turned into a drunk, another one got into drugs and lost his job and everything else. The 3rd guy got a girl pregnant, married her and is now more miserable than he ever was with his first wife. His new wife has kids from another marriage so he has his kids, her kids, and their kid. He hates his life now.

Russ

Last edited by RussH; 10-22-2010 at 10:52 AM. Reason: spelling
Old 10-20-2010, 09:09 PM
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Originally Posted by seabob4 View Post
The most important thing is to be yourself...truly, who you are. There will be aspects of yourself that she won't like, just as there will be aspects of her that you won't like. But it's the truth, and you and her can learn to accept it. Lies are what get you in a whole lot of trouble...
To add to Bob's assessment (which is spot-on) you not only have to be who you are, but you have to let her be who she is......and vice-versa. I'm 16 years into my marriage, and I feel like that is one of the single largest contributors to our success so far.
Old 10-20-2010, 09:11 PM
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The fact that your thinking about it means your not being lazy, but lazy is what can happen, you've got to work on a marriage. There is no magic bullet and what works for me and mine may not work for you and yours.

One thing we do is put ourselves first and the child second. Don't take this the wrong way it's just that it was us long before the child and it will be us long after the child becomes an adult.

So we make sure to have alone time. Dinner out (alone) at least once a week, when baby goes down we have serious talk time and use a sitter (grand mom) at least once a week so we can just hit the mall or a movie, do normal adult things without the distractions.

I've always found that men are clueless and happier in a marriage then the wife (no rule is absolute), women are more in tune with themselves and men are happy as long as the boat does not rock.

That said set goals for the 2 of you, plan on where/what you want to be doing and make marks in the sand as you near each goal. 10K in the bank toward that FL. condo! The mortgage is 40% paid off!

And take time out from life to celebrate life itself, it's too short not to.

Did I mention conversation? Find out where she is in her mind, is she good with what’s becoming of her life? Openness is a key ingredient.

Best of luck!
Old 10-20-2010, 09:36 PM
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Not middle aged but I believe people need to be honest and "change" together.
Old 10-20-2010, 10:34 PM
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Waaaaaaaaaaaaaay past middle age but the first eight years were happy and fun. Something in her mind changed and the last eight years was a living nightmare. Chet happens no matter how wonderful you think life is!
Old 10-21-2010, 03:48 AM
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Originally Posted by freedbaby View Post
. I consider her my best friend, we have two children (one about 4 years old and the other about 4 months old) we go out as a family with kids, we go out just the two of us, and we both have wonderful careers.

so lets hear it???
Keep doing what your doing and make sure she considers you her best friend. Life's not just about you. Your only half the program when your married and do you remember what was said at the wedding. Two become one, and remember she didn't get those kids on her own. There just as much yours to take care of as hers.
That should take care of the next 25 or so years anyway.
Life don't begin till 40. After 50 it becomes a flipping blast. Your best is always yet to come.
Old 10-21-2010, 04:06 AM
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"For the guy you need to understand that guys think by logic, women think with emotion. Just because something seems totally logical to you and doesn't seem like a big deal, from an emotional standpoint it means a lot more to the women. For example, if she tells you about something that happened at work she isn't looking for advice on the situation. She just wants you to say "I understand how that made you feel", don't always think you need to offer advice or find a solution to what she is telling you."

Great advice there. And it all depends on many things all directly tied to you and you wife. Just the fact you're writing here tells me you'll do the right things if you know what the right things are. As you live together, you'll see things that make absolutely no sense to you but she does them no matter what. Figure out those and learn to let them go. And beyond that, learn which battles to fight and don't be afraid to lose now and then; a lifelong friend probably would still be married to the same girl from high school if he could have figured that one out. He had to win them all.
Old 10-21-2010, 05:36 AM
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IMHO there are many variable that factor into a person's propensity to get divorced.

I *can* tell you that a large factor is who they surround themselves with -- the you don't "need to deal with that" crew. Usually a tribe of other divorced or unhappy women, or worse, spiteful women that don't want to see anyone happy. In my first divorce, her parents were divorced and her mother once told her aunt (the mother's sister) after the aunt had a fight with her husband (uncle), "Oh... wouldn't it be nice we could live together like old times".

IMHO that is just sick sick sick - as a loved one (unless they are beating you with a club or abusing you in another way), you should support marriage... the fact that others can't bare to see you have something that they don't have is a MAJOR part of the problem. I lived it.

The other most important thing I can tell you is that almost all divorce and marital discourse occur because of two things: Money and Family.

In my marriage, we NEVER fight about money. In my first marriage we did. (She was a credit-criminal and remains one today).

In my marriage, we NEVER fight about family. We are open and honest about how we feel about each others family and we talk freely about it. We are committed to each other and our children. Pure and simple. At the end of the day, we will spend the most amount of time together - and with our children -- so the logical place to put our loyalty is to each other and our children.

Most women have a VERY hard time cutting the strings and understanding the concept of starting a new family. My ex-wife would have dedicated all her free time to her family (mother, sisters, etc.) (one that systematically sabotaged her entire life) if left to her own devices -- and she did.

Remember these pathetic statistics.

- More than 75% of divorce perpetuated by the woman.
- 90% of people who seriously considered divorce (separate, consult atty, etc.) and didn't divorce are happy they didn't.
- 75% of women who divorce and do not remarry, regret not trying harder

We won't even get into the effects on the children, that's a whole different can of worms. You'll hear lots about, "my parents were divorced and I turned out fine" -- BULLSHIT. A child needs BOTH his parents. A MALE AND A FEMALE - PERIOD - END OF STORY. And anyone divorced house frau that tells you otherwise is full of crap.

I ask my wife often, "Are you still happy, I mean REALLY happy? And are you happier now or when we first met".

We can't all be happy all the time, but we can take care of things when they start and not let them fester.

Pete

P.S. You asked... I got on my soap box.
Old 10-21-2010, 06:31 AM
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Originally Posted by RussH View Post
Make sure your wife has a life outside of you.
+100000 I cannot agree more.

You BOTH need lives outside and away from the kids and each other. Each of you individually and the two of you together as a couple. Make it a priority. It's so easy to wrapped-up in the kids; running to soccer, violin lessons, pta meetings, football games, on and on, you absolutely lose sight of yourself and yourselves. This hits women (imho) particularly hard once the kids are gone and they wonder...What now? And the dreaded...what about ME? Even worse, this is usually also about the same time they're (and YOU) hit hard by mid-life, pre-menopause, call it what you want. It's a double-whammy.

If you let her, make her, have a "me" and you do the same through the early years it doesn't hit as hard in the later years.

See any red flags? Address them immediately, with professional help if necessary. Marriage is hard work and a good marriage is really hard work.
Old 10-21-2010, 06:48 AM
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I have been through two marriages. The second divorce has just been finalized.
Here's what I have learned:
Become friends before you become romantically involved.
Make sure you have common long-term goals, and be sure that both parties are aware of them.
You both should share common interests and hobbies, although RussH is right on--you both need your own time away from one another. Make sure you both have a boy's and girl's night out on a regular basis.
Be prepared to compromise--this applies to both you and your significant other.
Never bury a problem within yourself and always communicate with your spouse. If they do something that you don't like, tell them about it.
Both need to have their own accounts...it's OK to have a joint account, as long as each has thier own money they alone are responsible for as well.
Everyone keeps a few secrets...that's OK...just don't keep any secrets that could hurt the relationship.
If you have children, make sure you have a date night(you and her, alone, out of the house and away from the kids)at least once every two weeks...once a week would be ideal.
Make sure your kids know that if your bedroom door is closed, they HAVE to knock before entering. Extend the same courtesy to them as well.
Have sex on a regular basis. If it stops for some reason or becomes less frequent it usually indicates there is something you need to talk about.
FWIW, these jumped out at me when I thought about everything that went wrong in my marriages. I hope you can glean from them something that will be useful.
Old 10-21-2010, 06:59 AM
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Originally Posted by Wolakrab View Post
Everyone keeps a few secrets...that's OK...just don't keep any secrets that could hurt the relationship.
LOL.... If the only knew what we really spend on BOATS and FISHING gear!!
Old 10-21-2010, 07:26 AM
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Originally Posted by fishnutz View Post
LOL.... If the only knew what we really spend on BOATS and FISHING gear!!
True dat...but then I'd never ask how much she spent on makeup, shoes, and clothes!!
Old 10-21-2010, 07:40 AM
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Originally Posted by fishnutz View Post
LOL.... If the only knew what we really spend on BOATS and FISHING gear!!
If you only knew what they stick back out of your checking account.
You do balance your own books right? ...
Old 10-21-2010, 07:53 AM
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Originally Posted by fishnutz View Post
LOL.... If the only knew what we really spend on BOATS and FISHING gear!!
And for some guns
Old 10-21-2010, 08:12 AM
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Treat her like shit.
Cheat on her.
Drink Allot.
Go off with the guys often as you can.
Think of yourself first.

I know it seems like a bad idea but it seems like every guy I know who does that is still married. Oh, I do not follow these rules.
Old 10-21-2010, 08:15 AM
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Originally Posted by fishingfun View Post
Treat her like shit.
Cheat on her.
Drink Allot.
Go off with the guys often as you can.
Think of yourself first.

I know it seems like a bad idea but it seems like every guy I know who does that is still married. Oh, I do not follow these rules.

There may be some truth to this.

You cant respect somebody that kisses your ass, and many women seem to need the drama.
Old 10-21-2010, 08:17 AM
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Originally Posted by liveaboard74 View Post
If you only knew what they stick back out of your checking account.
You do balance your own books right? ...
I didn't used to, and she always told me how broke we were. 8 or 9 years ago, she got pissed that I was always spending money for reimbursable stuff for work and said "Here- You're doing the books now- I'm not keeping the books for your company". I found out pretty quickly that we weren't so broke. I've been doing it ever since.
Old 10-21-2010, 08:40 AM
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Originally Posted by RussH View Post
My advice for a guy that has been married for over 25 years. Make sure your wife has a life outside of you. Meaning that she has her own friends, has hobbies, etc. My wife basically gave up everything except for me when we got married. Everything in her life revolved around me and what I was doing. It caused a lot of problems early in our marriage but eventually she started seeing her friends again and I wasn't the total center of her world. Russ
The above is very true.

I am 45 and married my best friend almost 20 years ago. To me, she is everything. I work in an environment where there is a lot of divorce and cheating. Don't ever be unfaithful to her. I never was and I am happy I never did. Always tell the truth, never go to bed angry at each other. If you have a problem with something, think, calm down, and see if it is worth talking to her about it. If it's petty, let it go. Good luck and be happy.

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