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How long did you let your child(ren) live at home?

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How long did you let your child(ren) live at home?

Old 07-20-2010, 04:52 PM
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Default How long did you let your child(ren) live at home?

My daughter (only child) turned 19 this month and I told her when she turned 19 I was going to start making her pay some of her bills. When she turned 18 I made her pay for her own gas. We purchased her car and we pay her insurance so I thought her having to pay for her gas was reasonable.

My daughter is taking 14 hours of school and works part time about 18 hours per week. She has not looked for a 2nd job, or a job that gives her more hours, even after her mom and me have asked her over 100 times. The only thing we ask her to pay for is the gas for her car. We pay for her college tuition, books, and all other expenses. She does nothing around the house unless she is told, and then we usually have to listen to her bitch the whole time she is doing it.

Her mom made a copy of her cell phone bill and put it on her bed yesterday, which resulted in a knock down, drag out fight. My daughter contends that we are treating her like crap by even suggesting she pay her cell phone bill. She claims that NONE of her friends have to pay for anything. I obviously don't know if that is true or not.

My dad made it perfectly clear that when me and my 2 brothers turned 18 we had 2 weeks to get out of the house. My wife was brought up that she should have a full time job by the time she was 18 but no time frame that she had to move out. She moved out when she was 19. We are not being that strict but we both think she should be more responsible that she is now.

Are we being unreasonable? I'm just trying to get a feel of what some of you guys have done with your kids. How do you kick your kids in the butt to get their act together? What do/did you expect from your kids @ 19 years of age?


Russ
Old 07-20-2010, 05:05 PM
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Popcorn anyone?

Edit:10:50PM; Just got back. What happened to the original second post being a little harsh on Russ?

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Old 07-20-2010, 05:20 PM
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as long as there in school trying to better themselves and are acting right,I want them at home with rules.
Old 07-20-2010, 05:40 PM
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Unreasonable? Hell no. Sounds like sweet little bitch princess needs a reality check!

"If all your FRIENDS went and jumped off the Golden Gate bridge, would you do it too?"

We've raised four, two girls, two boys. Both girls are off and married now with kids (that truly is the best revenge because they begin to realize what they put you through). The youngest son is still at home and starts college at ASU in the fall. He's 18. Like you, we bought him a car. Not his dream car, a basic car, '98 Cavalier. Expectation is that he pays the insurance and gas. Same with cell phone. You want the fancy-schmancy 3G droid google thingie, then fine, YOU buy it and YOU pay the data charges for it. So far, he's done a fair job of keeping up with his obligations. Mom keeps track of it all and I know she cuts him some slack, like erasing some of the debt he had accumulated for graduation.

He works, but hasn't put any real effort into finding a job for when he starts school, so we'll see. He really wanted to live in the dorm at school and we both just laughed at him -- Dude, you want to live in the dorm? Get a job and pay the 12,000 a year it cost to live on campus! We're all of 5 or 6 miles from ASU; we're not paying to put you up in the lifestyle you expect to be living!

I shouldn't bitch too much. He is trying to make something of himself and (so far) hasn't been totally distracted by drugs or pussy, like I was at his age. He had a pretty good example of what NOT to do from his older sister who put us through the ringer with her drug abuse and over-the-top drama. She actually got shown the front door at 17, but as said, finally came around as she got older.

Kids... makes perfect sense why some animals eat their young at birth!

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Old 07-20-2010, 05:43 PM
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Not to be flip but it doesn't matter what other kids are doing or what other parents think, do, or expect from their kids. If you and Mom agree (mostly) and can remain united on the issues then go full steam ahead. You're being parents.
Old 07-20-2010, 05:49 PM
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As long as they wanted no questions asked. Never had a problem as duirng and after school they all got jobs and all left on their own volition at different ages. Both girls were in college until age 22 One girl at came home for a summer then left at 22 next one lived here for a year or two during her first job and left at 24. Last boy (who lived at home after 1 year away at school) at 27. We were fortunate to be able to pay for their school, their first car, and all home expenses. On their own they paid for gas and clothing after they graduated High school. They paid for all their own entertainment and basically everything outside the home. Fortunately I had a friend that rented a condo to 2 of them and that was a good segue into the real world. The other girl got involved with a national sports team and played and paid her own way there. Then she became an Americore volunteer but we had to pay for some air fares for that. I would gladly take all 3 back - well for a while.

Every family and situation is different and there is no one correct answer. Everyhting you said sounds very reasonable. You are the boss and more importantly role model. And an important lesson is that it does NOT matter at all what everyone else does.
Old 07-20-2010, 05:53 PM
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My older daughter married right ater graduation from High School and while her husband was serving our nation overseas as A Marine MP, she stayed at home and went to school. As soon as he finished his overseas hitch, he came home to tell his Mon hello, and to pack up his new wife and taker with him to Quantico. She hasn't lived at home since.

My younger daughter lived at home until she graduated college. She lived on campus, so for all practical purposes, she moved out after High School. After graduation she lived at home for about a year until she could get established in her career, by which time she had met and married the garden slug that she just last month divorced. But she does not even consider moving back in wth us an option.

I will say this. Even whe they were in high school, they both had cars. Their mom and I paid for the cars, paid their insurance, and bought them one tank of gas a week (enough to get back and forth from school). Anything else, they paid for themselves by working whatever jobs they had (baby sitting, Christmas Department Store jobs, etc.

One thing, neither of them had a cell phone until they could afford their own.
Old 07-20-2010, 06:04 PM
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My son is going on 19 this month. He works part time goes to college (4 days a week) his mom bought hima car but he has to make half the payment and he has to pay for the gas. He has a cell wich my wife and I pay for. He is getting solid A's and B's so if he needs a liitle cash now and then I give it to him. He still finds the time to come down to Ft Lauderdale from WPB to see the old man every couple of weeks and when he has time off he stays an exta few days. I cant ask for more than that especially since his mom and I have been divorced for almost 13 yrs
Old 07-20-2010, 06:09 PM
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Originally Posted by RussH View Post
My daughter (only child) turned 19 this month and I told her when she turned 19 I was going to start making her pay some of her bills. When she turned 18 I made her pay for her own gas. We purchased her car and we pay her insurance so I thought her having to pay for her gas was reasonable.

My daughter is taking 14 hours of school and works part time about 18 hours per week. She has not looked for a 2nd job, or a job that gives her more hours, even after her mom and me have asked her over 100 times. The only thing we ask her to pay for is the gas for her car. We pay for her college tuition, books, and all other expenses. She does nothing around the house unless she is told, and then we usually have to listen to her bitch the whole time she is doing it.

Her mom made a copy of her cell phone bill and put it on her bed yesterday, which resulted in a knock down, drag out fight. My daughter contends that we are treating her like crap by even suggesting she pay her cell phone bill. She claims that NONE of her friends have to pay for anything. I obviously don't know if that is true or not.

My dad made it perfectly clear that when me and my 2 brothers turned 18 we had 2 weeks to get out of the house. My wife was brought up that she should have a full time job by the time she was 18 but no time frame that she had to move out. She moved out when she was 19. We are not being that strict but we both think she should be more responsible that she is now.

Are we being unreasonable? I'm just trying to get a feel of what some of you guys have done with your kids. How do you kick your kids in the butt to get their act together? What do/did you expect from your kids @ 19 years of age?


Russ
This hits close to home, talked about it last night. I told her as long as she was a full time student, I'd foot the bill. She had a 4.4 GPA in IB out of highschool and is in the honors program at UF double major and maintaining 4.0 through her first year. No basket weaving classes for her. Bragging over.

All her doing. I can't ask for any more. As long as I can afford it, I will do whatever I can to help her in her education. She's talking Med school so this could get interesting but I'm in.

Living at home and not helping out - not in my house. I invented the Techno Grounding a couple of years ago, only had to use it once. My request was simple, help mom out. Do the dishes and a few things around the house so when she got home from work she didn't have to mess with it. The message didn't get through. One evening we came home (we work together) and she was napping on the couch, with a sink full of dishes, I blew. Took the car keys, cell phone and computer, right now, no discussion. The HOLY SHIT look was priceless and told me I was on the right track. No timeframe was mentioned. We had a good talk two days later and she understood. Never looked back.

So we're a little different on some points (working and school), not on others. My brothers do not see things the same way I do and that's all I'll say about that.

If she were not in school, she'd be working and paying rent and covering her own expenses (those were my rules when I graduated highschool). We discussed that last night too. How long she'd be at home under those circumstances ;?. I really like having her around.

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Old 07-20-2010, 06:29 PM
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I lived at home until I was 24.

I worked full-FULL time (60+ hours a week) PLUS Went to school full time (12-18 credits, depending on semester). That was Undergrad and the very start of Grad. The only reason I lived at home that long was because I was saving to buy a house. Once I bought a house I kept working full time and went to Grad school (9 Credits a Semester).

I was a crappy student until the end of my second year... my folks paid the entire tab for my school and I lived rent-free in their home as long as I went to school and did get totally thrown out of school. After my second year of undergrad I straightened up, got a great GPA and really enjoyed school.

Today, I'm married and have a 2 year old son, wife, and another baby on the way. I plan on making the same deal with them -- I'll foot the bill, all they have to do is graduate with something worth-wild, post-grad would be nice and not fuok up.

The problem is that most kids flounder from major to major from life choice to life choice... all the while the parents foot the bill -- that's total crap and shouldn't be allowed IMHO. When I graduated High School, I selected a major, and stuck with it... all the way to Grad school.

Don't know if that helps, but it sure is another perspective.
Old 07-20-2010, 06:33 PM
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Originally Posted by Marlin009 View Post
This hits close to home, talked about it last night. I told her as long as she was a full time student, I'd foot the bill. She had a 4.4 GPA in IB out of highschool and is in the honors program at UF double major and maintaining 4.0 through her first year. No basket weaving classes for her. Bragging over.

All her doing. I can't ask for any more. As long as I can afford it, I will do whatever I can to help her in her education. She's talking Med school so this could get interesting but I'm in.

Living at home and not helping out - not in my house. I invented the Techno Grounding a couple of years ago, only had to use it once. My request was simple, help mom out. Do the dishes and a few things around the house so when she got home from work she didn't have to mess with it. The message didn't get through. One evening we came home (we work together) and she was napping on the couch, with a sink full of dishes, I blew. Took the car keys, cell phone and computer, right now, no discussion. No timeframe was mentioned. We had a good talk two days later and she understood. Never looked back.

So we're a little different on some points (working and school), not on others. My brothers do not see things the same way I do and that's all I'll say about that.

If she were not in school, she'd be working and paying rent and covering her own expenses (those were my rules when I graduated highschool). We discussed that last night too. How long she'd be at home under those circumstances ;?. I really like having her around.
My situation is similar to Marlin's, although my daughter is only 17 and going into her senior year of high school. She has a weighted GPA of 4.39 and does not work. She did try to find a summer job, but it is really tough. She does a little around the house, but not enough. When she turned 16, we gave her my wife's older car as it was paid for. We cover all her expenses. As long as she is doing good in school, stays on the right track socially, and helps out around the house we'll cover her expenses. Her job right now is school. I'm not sure what we are going to do when she goes to college. Probably some level of monthly allowance so she has to keep a budget. I don't think she knows what the word means now! I can see the advantage of having the work as it is good to have real world experience, but we have taken a different track.
Old 07-20-2010, 06:53 PM
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Originally Posted by tommyr904 View Post
as long as there in school trying to better themselves and are acting right,I want them at home with rules.
Pretty much the way i look at it also.

We have a son that just turned 23, Great young man that did two years of college but against my and the Admirals wishes he did not got back to finish his degree however he has been employed at UPS for 3 years(hell kid has better benefits than I have ever seen). He has a GREAT work ethic and works the early am shift at UPS loading trucks, off to work anywhere between 4:30-5:00 morning and has never missed a day or been late(hell he even has 3 FREAKING WEEKS OF VACATION PLUS 5 personal days;?;?). Ross also works at Dick's Sporting Goods, he has been there since they opened in our town about 2 1/2 yrs ago. On average he will work 40-45 hours per week between the two jobs and is very very frugal with his money. He and his fiance will be getting married in the next couple of years, she is a Radiological Tech and has been out of school 1 year and has just got her first full time job I think (she also has a great work ethic and will work double shifts at the local hospital when she can). I could not pick a better wife to be for my son and think she did pretty good as well.

Ross saves probably 90% of his take home pay, we charge him no rent and I do still pay his car insurance(his car is paid for). Other than that I do not pay anything for him. He will eat at home if we cook if we do not he will take care of himself

Admiral and I have talked about rent for him and have discussed it with him but we honestly feel he is saving his money(yes I see his bank statements) for all the right reasons and I do let him know what things cost to prepare him for when he is on his own.

He also is a GREAT big brother to his little sister(our 16 1/2 yr old beauty queen). He is very protective of her and is there if she needs anything and is also very very concerned about her future as well. He has seen the same things most of us have seen in that a nice girl gets hooked up with the wrong crowd or some low life and regret it the rest of her life. Also his girlfriend looks after our Holly Bug as well and she looks up to both of them.


Our son has NEVER BEEN A PROBLEM and I know if something happened to me he would step up to the plate and take care of his Mom and look after her.

I say that in that I am very lucky to have 2 great kids and both seem to pick the right friends and shy away from trouble or at least our daughter does most of the time;?;?

I have however seen the other type that are not grateful or thankful for anything and never amount to shit

The problem with this parenting thing is that it is a learn as you go and I hope I do not screw it up

I do wish Ross would go back and finish his degree but he just does not like school and even though he did great he loves UPS and I do not know what it is but for some reason I could always see him working there and we have been fortunate that knowing the right people worked out for us and him.


I did ask my Mom, who is 82 yrs old, one day when do you ever quit worrying about your kids. Her answer was "You are 47 years old and I STILL WORRY ABOUT YOU"


As for your daughter it is a tough age and a very tough decision and we have hit many bumps in the road with our kids but they seem to smooth out. I have always tried to make them understand the value of a dollar and how hard they are to come by but I will say this, Ross was a lot the same way until he started "working for a living" and it really changed his attitude. In fact the first full year he worked and got his first vacation he made the comment to me that you appreciate things more when you work your ass off every day.

Good luck
Old 07-20-2010, 07:02 PM
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Wow........you guys telling your kids when they HAVE to leave home are cold.

I guess the problem goes a lot deeper with both the kids and the parents and their relationship over their growing years.
Old 07-20-2010, 07:40 PM
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I was a good kid and my father's son. Besides being my father, he was my best friend. I wanted to leave home at an early age because home life sucked (my parents did not live in harmony). He and I discussed me leaving home when I was about 18 however was faced with the fact that my Dad was coming with me if I was leaving. This is not a joke. My father also became my business partner in a business that I started whilst I was a sophomore in college. He managed the business during the time I was in school. Years later, I took care of my father when he became ill. I suggest those of you who are at the ready to toss your kids out of the household at whatever age you feel is appropriate exercise caution. Remember one thing, who is going to take of you if and when the day comes? I do believe much has to do with the type of person (youngster) you have on your hands. Some folks need to be tossed out of the household while others are an asset. My parents had two children together. My female sibling turned out to be an absolute piece of shit. She left home at the age of 25 when she married and did nothing with her life except lie, steal and live an otherwise wealthy lifestyle, some of it on the dollars she stole from me. This is however another story altogether. If your kids stay out of trouble and are productive in life and at home I don't see a problem. Remember, abortion is not legal at the age of 18 although I think it should be.
Old 07-20-2010, 07:52 PM
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When I was in college, the deal was as long as I kept my grades up and remained a full time student, I could live there for free. I had to pay my car insurance, gas and play money though. No rent or anything like that. Well, I screwed up my first year of school and they cut me off. Seriously, cut me off.

I made allot of tough decisions and got my act together. Moved to Gainesville and started working full time while going to school full time. I had to take student loans and pay ALL my bills. I grew up fast and it was my own damn fault. After a year or so of doing well again, the folks started helping me out with some small things (without my asking) like groceries or filling the gas tank up when they visited.

I believe that lesson taught me more than anything else. I became accountable for myself. Thanks Mom & Dad.
Old 07-20-2010, 08:18 PM
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Easy, it's all about religion. If you guys are Jewish, then you've raised the perfect JAP (Jewish American Princess). If you aren't, then you've coddled the child into a whining, wanting, needy, biatch that will drill her boyfriends, husband or father into a JAP (Jewish American Parent). She sees men as enablers...not as human counterparts to her persona.

The mindset of the JAP thing simply revolves around MONEY. If you buy into the system, you pay or you are screwed. If you don't use MONEY as a tool, then the system deflates ...the kid and you deal like normal families.

Sorry, but you asked and I'm full of opinion about helicopter parents and kids that the parents created and coddled to be that way. Everything you mentioned in your posts is about paying for her...think about it...and the answer becomes very clear.

She'll threaten to leave...and you need to rent one of dozens of movies that treat that kid like the world will soon do. Let her leave...but don't give her credit cards...she'll be home by dinner time.
Old 07-20-2010, 08:34 PM
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Have 2 great kids that love thier family and don't ask for much. Both are on the honor role in Catholic High School and excel in thier respective sports. They are focused on thier futures and don't drug/drink and are not distracted by the mall or boyfriends, like alot of thier piers. I feel that keeping them focused on positives keeps them clean. At first the oldest is sharing a car with her mom and I will buy her first car, she will help with the gas when she can. The same for her sister. As far as I am concerned they can live with us as long as they want, 40-50?? Some how I don't think I will have that luxury though, but I can always hope to have my babies near!!
Old 07-20-2010, 08:46 PM
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As long as they want (especially a daughter). Now they have to have a plan to get educated and gainfully employed. And not be a criminal etc but otherwise they will be welcome...as I always was.

What if they don't have a plan? try not to let it come to that in the first place.

I cant imagine telling my kids, esp my daughter, to hit the road. Now I'll concede she is young and I haven't experienced the lovely teen years...so Im not judging here.
Old 07-20-2010, 08:50 PM
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Daughter now 29 has her own home SHE pays for. Employed as a school teacher.

She lived at home until she graduated college. Well, slight correction on that. She lived on the home property until she graduated college. Graduated HS, enrolled in college with the idea she was going to get an apartment, she realised very quickly that her job would not cover the expenses.

My mother in law, lived next door(on our property) in a new mobile home she had bought, she was killed in an auto accident July 2001. My daughter moved into the mobile home, she paid all utilities/expenses associated with "her home".

My wife and I continued to pay for any expenses related to college. Got to add that my daughter was on a tuition payed scholarship, we paid for books, gas to get back and forth, auto expenses.

I figured long as she was on scholarship, I could afford to help her out. She had a plain Jane cell phone piggybacked on our plan until she could afford to pay for her own.
Old 07-20-2010, 09:24 PM
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Got your popcorn?

I paid my son's college tuition and things for 5 1/2 years. That's how long the university said it would take for a chemistry degree and they were right. So then he works at a lame company but I didn't say anything except to keep looking. Still living at home. He then gets a really good government job and starts raking in the dough and still living at home. He then buys an NSX (big bucks) and starts modding it like crazy (more big bucks). Still lives at home. He now has a home in escrow and hopefully will be moving out in August sometime in the meantime, yup, still lives at home. He is now 32.

I joined Uncle Sam at age 19 (1 1/2 years in college) and never looked back. After getting out of the service, I told my parents I was going to California to live where I made a lot of new friends. I had a war chest of $900 and a used car with a few more payments waiting for me in So Cal. My mother said I bet you'll be back in 30 days. It's been 37 years!

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