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Application And Rules For Dating My Daughter

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Application And Rules For Dating My Daughter

Old 12-04-2007, 06:09 PM
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Default Application And Rules For Dating My Daughter



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APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, history, lineage, recent FBI background check, psychiatric evaluation, and updated medical report from your doctor.

1. NAME _______________________________
DATE OF BIRTH ________________
2. HEIGHT ______________
WEIGHT __________
I.Q _______
G.P.A.____________
3. SOCIAL SECURITY # _____________
DRIVERS LICENSE # __________________
4. BOY SCOUT RANK______________________________________
5. HOME ADDRESS _____________________________________
CITY/STATE ___________
ZIP __________
6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent? _____
If No, EXPLAIN ________________________________________
7. Number of years your parents have been married _____
8. Do you own a van? _____ A truck with oversized tires? _____ A waterbed? _____
Do you have an earring, nose ring, belly button ring, or a tattoo? _____
(If "yes" to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises)

9. In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?


10. In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?


11. In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?


12. Church you attend ___________________________
How often do you attend? ________________________
13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and priest/rabbi/minister?____________________________

14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers are confidential (That means I won't tell anyone-ever-I promise.)

a) If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded is____
b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my____
c) A woman's place is in the____
d) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is____
e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is____

(NOTE: If your answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue. Leave premises keeping your head low. Running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)
15. What do you want to be IF you grow up?___________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED HOT POKERS.
________________________________________
Signature (That means sign your name)

Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be notified in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write. If you do attempt any communication before your application is approved, automatic disqualification will result.

If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases (You might want to watch your back).

Do you still want to date my daughter?
_____ Yes, please accept my application
_____ I um, no, I uh, think I have the wrong house...
RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER

As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.

Rule 1: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule 2: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule 3: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.

Rule 4: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.

Rule 5: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule 6: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.

Rule 7: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places lacking parents, policemen, or nuns. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her chin. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.

Rule 8: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless commander of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule 9: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car-there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine
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Old 12-04-2007, 06:12 PM
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Hey WFO, how old is your daughter?
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Old 12-04-2007, 06:18 PM
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TN FREEBIRD - 12/4/2007 9:12 PM

Hey WFO, how old is your daughter?



She's 8 going on 18
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Old 12-04-2007, 06:21 PM
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Starting kinda young with the applications ain't ya [img]../images/emoticons/biggrin.gif[/img]
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Old 12-04-2007, 06:23 PM
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Captain Sid - 12/4/2007 9:21 PM

Starting kinda young with the applications ain't ya [img]../images/emoticons/biggrin.gif[/img]




Yeah and this will be playing LOUD AS HEELLL ...when she brings some guy home





http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jjO9kX4npVY
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Old 12-04-2007, 06:23 PM
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WFOFISHING - 12/4/2007 9:18 PM

TN FREEBIRD - 12/4/2007 9:12 PM

Hey WFO, how old is your daughter?



She's 8 going on 18
Well, she might be a bit too old for my 4 year old son, but I'll keep you in mind.

I'm afraid I'd be a lousy father to a little girl as I'd use that application for real and probably add a few more requirements and/or warnings.
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Old 12-04-2007, 06:37 PM
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That one scene from Bad Boys 2 friggin KILLS me when Will Smith is playin' the derilect uncle!
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Old 12-04-2007, 06:51 PM
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Default Re: Application And Rules For Dating My Daughter

First date with my daughter will go as follows:

Boy shows up and is welcomed into my lair, er, home.

Boy will sit across from me.

Between Boy and irate father will be a disassembled Smith 9, maybe the Glock-depends on Dad's mood.

I shall ask Boy, "Son, can you re-assemble and ready this weapon for firing in 7 seconds or less?"

When Boy shifts nervously in his, no MY, seat and replies "No sir, I cannot.",

I shall, without breaking eye contact, do so and say with a wide, Grinch-like grin, "I can."

After Boy apologizes for pissing his pants on my wife's dining room chair, "I'll dust her for prints, Boy."

Thus endeth the threat...

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Old 12-04-2007, 07:08 PM
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Default RE: Application And Rules For Dating My Daughter

I know your pain.......Mine is 10 and she is.....well...............lets just say.....well ahead of the pack in the development department Damn ulcers and stress already.........cant imagine when she is 15 and 16

Ive pretty much handled my life emergencies up to this point pretty well I think..............I dont have a clue as to how I will make it through her high school years....................
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Old 12-04-2007, 07:10 PM
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Hey country, I hear they're making some dandy Kevlar chastity belts these days.
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Old 12-04-2007, 07:10 PM
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I am printing that out and making copies for both my 11 and 15 yr old. Thanks,
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Old 12-04-2007, 07:16 PM
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TN FREEBIRD - 12/4/2007 6:10 PM

Hey country, I hear they're making some dandy Kevlar chastity belts these days.
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Old 12-04-2007, 07:26 PM
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So THAT's why all them fathers wanted to kill me when I was a teenaged boy......
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Old 12-04-2007, 07:30 PM
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Gringo - 12/4/2007 6:26 PM

So THAT's why all them fathers wanted to kill me when I was a teenaged boy......
Thats whats so messed up with it........I was one of them boys too...and I KNOW what I was after............................................I knew that chit would come back on me..........
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Old 12-04-2007, 07:35 PM
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Gringo - 12/4/2007 10:26 PM

So THAT's why all them fathers wanted to kill me when I was a teenaged boy......
No, that ain't it Gringo.

They were just afraid you were gonna call of them Daddy and tell your mom you'd found them.
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Old 12-04-2007, 07:41 PM
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country - 12/4/2007 10:30 PM

Gringo - 12/4/2007 6:26 PM

So THAT's why all them fathers wanted to kill me when I was a teenaged boy......
Thats whats so messed up with it........I was one of them boys too...and I KNOW what I was after............................................I knew that chit would come back on me..........




The Lord works in mysterious ways...I Feel you on the above post Makes it all make sense the older they and we get



My dad told me when he found out that We had a little girl...

The difference between boys and girls is.....



With BOYS ....You have 1 peccker in the world to worry about and




With GIRLS...You have all the pecckers in the world to worry about
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Old 12-04-2007, 07:54 PM
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ep mine the sharp shooter is 13 going on 21. She came to my office with me last month and all the executive assistants thought she was 17-18. She is drop dead gorgeuos like her mom and it worries me. My taxidermist made a blank plack with a mirror on it and the tag at the bottom of the plack reads " Picture Your Head Here " I think its funny , my daughter thinks its funny , the wife not so funny. My trophy / gun room up stairs is pretty shocking to young fellows when they come over to hang out with the gang. They all know my daughter could mean life or death for em.
They think I'm crazy we will let that thought fluorish in their tiny brains as those are the only ones that they think with.
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Old 12-04-2007, 07:58 PM
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I actually feel sick when I think about what faces my 3 year old little girl. All the chit I did is gonna haunt me.

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Old 12-04-2007, 08:04 PM
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Just1more - 12/4/2007 9:37 PM

That one scene from Bad Boys 2 friggin KILLS me when Will Smith is playin' the derilect uncle!
You're right! This is hilarious!!!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x4pIJtt48g4



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Old 12-05-2007, 05:59 AM
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Having girls is God's way of getting back at us for being pigs when we were young...

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