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Bring Out Your Jokes

Old 08-09-2007, 01:27 PM
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Default Bring Out Your Jokes

There once was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three neighbors' houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.
So one day the wife went to the pet store and said, “I need a good guard dog.”

And the clerk replied, “Sorry, we're all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he knows karate.”

The wife didn't believe him so he said to the dog, "Karate that chair.”

The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces, then he said to the dog, “Karate that table.” The dog went up to the table and broke it in half.

So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. But then she told her husband that it knew karate, and he said “Karate my azz!”
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Old 08-09-2007, 01:35 PM
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A guy approached St Peter at the Pearly Gates. St Peter said, "Before I can let you in I must ask if you have done anything really worthy in your life?"

"Well, yes I have", he replied. "I was driving through South Dakota and I saw a bunch of bikers being really ugly to this woman. I stopped and yelled for them to quit it. They didn't so I got out of the car, walked up to the biggest, meanest, most tattoed one of the bunch, grabbed him by the earring and said, 'Leave her alone or I'll have to kick everyone of your azzes' "

"Really?" said St Peter. "When did you do this?"

"Oh, just a few minutes ago".
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Old 08-09-2007, 01:44 PM
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A lady went to a plastic surgeon to see what he could do about a facelift.
The doctor said, "Well ma'am, we have a brand new procedure. We put a dial in the back of your head and when your skin starts to sag you simply turn the knob."

"That sounds good," she said.

Two years passed and she went back to tell the surgeon that the dial was giving her bags under her eyes.

"I'm sorry ma'am," replied the surgeon, "but those aren't bags - those are your breasts!"

"Oh," said the woman, "so that explains the goatee."




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Old 08-09-2007, 01:46 PM
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Why do women wear white on thier wedding day?












So a man's dishwasher will match the rest of his appliances.
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Old 08-09-2007, 01:50 PM
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Default Re: Bring Out Your Jokes

pugnacious33 - 8/9/2007 1:46 PM Why do women wear white on thier wedding day? So a man's dishwasher will match the rest of his appliances.




Living dangerously there Pug.[img]../images/emoticons/surprise.gif[/img]
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Old 08-09-2007, 01:55 PM
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Captain Sid - 8/9/2007 1:50 PM



pugnacious33 - 8/9/2007 1:46 PM Why do women wear white on thier wedding day? So a man's dishwasher will match the rest of his appliances.




Living dangerously there Pug.
My wife laughed at that one, so that was my free pass to tell it whenever and wherever I like (that's my story and i'm sticking to it).
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Old 08-09-2007, 02:11 PM
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Two guys are walking down the street, and they come across a dog licking his privates.

The first guy says, "Man, I wish I could do that."

The second guy says, "You'd better let him sniff the back of your hand first."
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Old 08-09-2007, 02:36 PM
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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his azz.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh#t out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his azz.
10. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
11. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
12. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!
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Old 08-09-2007, 03:16 PM
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A man was in a bad accident and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the loss of both ears, which made him very self-conscious. However, he received a large sum of money from his insurance company.
It was always his dream to own his own business, so he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The last question of the interview was always the same.

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the first candidate.

"Yes. You have no ears."

He quickly eliminated the first candidate.






"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the second candidate.

"Yes. You have no ears."

He quickly eliminated the second candidate.






"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the third candidate.

"Yes. You're wearing contacts."

Thinking he had found the man for the job he said, "That's correct. How did you know?"

"You can't wear glasses if you don't have any freakin' ears."



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Old 08-09-2007, 03:19 PM
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2 young girls are on a public bus going downtown.
A guy with a big, fat belly gets on and sits down across the isle from them.
One of the girls says to the other girl, "if that was on a woman she'd be pregnant"
The fat guy looks over and says, "it was, and she is"........
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Old 08-09-2007, 04:49 PM
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MATHEMATICAL ANALYSIS OF 100%

What makes life 100%?? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.
How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.

What makes life 100%?

If A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z are represented as
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then.....

H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11= 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5=96%

But......

A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5=100%

B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20=103%

So, it stands to reason that hardwork and knowledge will get you close,
attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.

Therefore, look how far this will take you..........

A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

Think about it.....and have a nice day at work.
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Old 08-10-2007, 06:53 AM
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Default Re: Bring Out Your Jokes

Along the same line as TheFloater's ~

Two guys are walkin' along and see a dog lickin' his privates.

First guy says, "Don't you wish YOU could do that?"

Second guy says, "Yeah........but I'm afraid he'd bite me."





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Old 08-10-2007, 08:08 AM
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Gmack - 8/9/2007 4:49 PM

MATHEMATICAL ANALYSIS OF 100%

What makes life 100%?? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.
How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.

What makes life 100%?

If A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z are represented as
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then.....

H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11= 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5=96%

But......

A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5=100%

B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20=103%

So, it stands to reason that hardwork and knowledge will get you close,
attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.

Therefore, look how far this will take you..........

A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

Think about it.....and have a nice day at work.
So how do you actually TELL that one?
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Old 08-10-2007, 09:26 AM
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farmerjane - 8/10/2007 6:53 AMAlong the same line as TheFloater's ~Two guys are walkin' along and see a dog lickin' his privates.First guy says, "Don't you wish YOU could do that?"Second guy says, "Yeah........but I'm afraid he'd bite me."
Why do dogs do that?

Because they can.
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Old 08-10-2007, 09:32 AM
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Afishinado - 8/10/2007 9:26 AM



farmerjane - 8/10/2007 6:53 AMAlong the same line as TheFloater's ~Two guys are walkin' along and see a dog lickin' his privates.First guy says, "Don't you wish YOU could do that?"Second guy says, "Yeah........but I'm afraid he'd bite me."
Why do dogs do that?

Because they can.
Because they can't make a fist.
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Old 08-10-2007, 09:43 AM
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Helga was hang the wash out to dry, and then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.

''Gootness, iss hot,'' she mused to herself as the sun beat down on her. She passed by a tavern and said, ''Vy nought?'' So she walked into the air conditioning and took a seat at the bar.

"Bartender," she said. "I vill have unt cold beer, please.''

The bartender asked, ''Anheuser Busch?''

''Vell, fine, tanks," she said, "Just unt leetle svetty.''


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Old 08-10-2007, 10:21 AM
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Okay, I reckon this one is PG enough for Dockside Chat.

A little old lady decides to join The Hell's Angels!

One day she goes up and knocks on their clubhouse door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She boldly proclaims, "I want to join your club."

The guy is amused, and decides to humour her a bit, so he says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks; "Do you have a motorcycle?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep... My bike's parked over there," and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.

The biker asks, "Do you drink?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep, like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table."

The biker then asks, "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."

The biker is very impressed and asks, "You sound like one bad Mama. Tell me, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times and I kinda liked it."
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Old 08-10-2007, 10:38 AM
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Great Nurse
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> GOTTA LOVE THIS NURSE
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> A highway patrolman was rushed to the hospital
>>>>
>>>> with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated
>>>>
>>>> and advised him that all was well.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> However, the patrolman kept feeling something
>>>>
>>>> pulling at the hairs in his crotch.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> Worried that it might be a second surgery the
>>>>
>>>> doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got
>>>>
>>>> enough energy to pull his hospital gown up
>>>>
>>>> enough so he could look at what was making
>>>>
>>>> him so uncomfortable.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three
>>>>
>>>> wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that
>>>>
>>>> takes everything with it when you pull it off.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> Written in large black letters across the tape
>>>>
>>>> was the sentence: "Get well quick..... from the
>>>>
>>>> nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
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Old 08-10-2007, 10:49 AM
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One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly. "Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.

The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.

"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night."

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life:

"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."
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Old 08-10-2007, 11:47 AM
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pugnacious33 - 8/9/2007 12:46 PM

Why do women wear white on thier wedding day?












So a man's dishwasher will match the rest of his appliances.
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