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Bring Out Your Jokes

Old 01-27-2010, 06:12 PM
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A blonde walks into a bar and says "Ouch!".
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Old 01-28-2010, 08:32 AM
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Definition of mass confusion: Ten blind lesbians on a tuna boat.
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Old 01-28-2010, 09:54 AM
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Originally Posted by LI Sound Grunt View Post
A ventriloquist is visiting an Indian reservation and decides to have a little fun with the chief.

“Hey there,” he says. “I bet I can make your horse talk.”

“Horse no talk,” says the chief.

“We’ll see,” says the ventriloquist. He turns to the horse and asks, “So how does your master treat you?”

“Good,” says the horse (as the ventriloquist throws his voice). “Chief give me plenty of food and water, Chief let me run all over, Chief treat me well.”

The Chief has a shocked look on his face.

“I bet I can make the dog talk, too,” says the ventriloquist.

“Dog no talk,” says the chief.

“How about you?” the ventriloquist asks the dog. “Is he good to you too?”

“Yup,” says the dog. “Chief give me plenty food, Chief give me plenty water, Chief let me run all over, Chief treat me well.”

The Chief again has a look of disblief.

“Let’s see what the sheep has to say,” says the ventriloquist.

“Stop!!” yells the chief. “Sheep lie!”
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Old 01-28-2010, 11:28 AM
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A successful businessman retires at 40 and fulfills his lifelong dream of buying a huge spread in West Texas. After a few weeks,a big Caddy with longhorns on the front of the hood speeds up his road. In a cloud of dust the driver, obviously a cattleman, hops out.
"Howdy neighbor, I own the next ranch over, about 2 miles down the road. I thought it would be neighborly to meet you and come shoot the bull for a while." They talk a few minutes and as he is about to leave, he asks the younger man, "listen here partner, do you like to party, 'cuz I'm having a little get together this weekend at my place."

He replies, "yes, I like to party"

"Do you like to drink? Cuz there's probably gonna be a good bit of boozin' goin' on."

"Sure, I like to drink"

"What about drugs?"

"I'm not opposed, I'll do a couple of things."

"What about sex? Cuz there's gonna be a good bit of sex and it could get sorta hard."

"I'm fine with that too. It's been a while so, why not."

"Great then, see you Saturday night."

"Wait a minute, what should I wear?"

"Oh hell, it don't matter, it's just gonna be you and me."
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Old 01-28-2010, 11:29 AM
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Accountants and Engineers on a Train
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference.
At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket."

How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?"
asks an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They all board the train.

The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.

So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all).
When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?"
says one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.
The train departs.Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
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Old 01-28-2010, 11:43 AM
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Here is one fishing related:

A guy had just bought a new boat and planning his first fishing trip on Saturday, he was looking forward all week. He gets up a 4am on Saturday and it is pouring rain and blowing hard. He decides the hell with it, I am going so he hooks up the boat and heads to the ramp. He gets about halfway and decides it is just raining too hard and turns around and heads home.

By the time he unhooked the trailer he was soaking wet so he took off all his clothes in the garage. He goes upstairs and crawls into bed and snuggles up against his wife's back. He whispers in her ear " It's nasty out"
Without turning around she says "My stupid husband is out fishing in this sh!t"
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Old 01-28-2010, 11:50 AM
Join Date: Jun 2007
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Default Democrat, Republican or Redneck?

you a Democrat, a Republican, or a

Here is a little test that will help you
The answer can be found by posing
the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you,
screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.
You are carrying a
Kimber 1911 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?

.................................................. .............


Answer :

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that
Would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a

.................................................. ...............






(Sounds of reloading)
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those
the Winchester
Silver Tips or
Hollow Points?! '
Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'
Wife: 'You ain't taking that to
the Taxidermist
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Old 01-28-2010, 12:45 PM
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Two guys are talking and the first one says: "I had a really embarrassing freudian slip this morning. I went to the airline counter to get a ticket for my trip, and the attendant was gorgeous with huge breasts, and instead of asking for two tickets to Pittsburgh, I accidentally asked for two pickets to TITSburgh"

The second guy says: "You know, that's funny, because almost the exact same thing happened to me. I was having breakfast with my wife and I meant to say 'pass the salt' and I accidentally said 'you miserable bitch, you've ruined my life.'"
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Old 01-28-2010, 02:14 PM
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Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two 'working girls' and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable toget an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of 'Here I come again!
ONE, TWO, THREE .... UGH! 'Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE...UGH! 'Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE...UGH!...ALL NIGHT LONG. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, 'How did it go?' The first mutters, 'It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection.' The second dwarf shook his
head. 'You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't get on the f***ing bed.
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Old 01-28-2010, 04:37 PM
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Barak Obama and Nacy Pelosi are on a ship sinking in the Pacific. Who gets saved?
.......................AMERICA !!!!!!
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Old 01-28-2010, 04:47 PM
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> Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on, and the car comes to a stop.
Nancy , in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur, "You get out and check--you were driving."
> So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but it was old.
> "You were driving, so you go and tell the farmer," says
Nancy .
> Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.
> "My God, what happened to you?" asks
Nancy .
> The chauffeur replies, "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky,the wife gave me a great meal and the daughter made love to me."
> "What on earth did you say?" asks
Nancy .
> "I just knocked on the door and when it opened I said to them, "I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow."
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Old 01-28-2010, 05:13 PM
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Did hear about the new athletic shoes?

They're called Dikees.

They come with an extra long tongue and you can get 'em off with one finger!
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Old 01-28-2010, 05:26 PM
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This farmer who lived down the road knocked on another farmer's door one afternoon. Their 9 year old boy answered the door and said "Can I help you?"

"Is your father home?"

"No sir, he went to town."

"Is your mother home?"

"No sir, she went to town with him."

"Is your brother Edward home?"

"Nope, he went to town too. Maybe I help you. I know where the tools are if you want to borrow one and I know where the keys to the tractor are if you need to use it."

"Nope, I need to talk to your Dad about your brother Edward getting my daughter pregnant."

"Yep, you do need to talk to Dad because I know he gets $500 for a bull and $50 for a hog but I have no idea how much he charges for Edward."
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Old 01-28-2010, 07:16 PM
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Smile Joker

Why don't chickens wear underwear?

Cause their pecker is on their face!!!!
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Old 01-28-2010, 08:20 PM
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A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars .

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a queer.
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Old 01-29-2010, 01:14 AM
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Some from me:

Jack, a smart businessman, talks to his son

Jack: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son : "I will choose my own bride".
Jack: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case..."

Next Jack approaches Bill Gates

Jack: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates : "But my daughter is too young to marry."
Jack: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates : "Ah, in that case..."

Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Jack: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President : "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need."
Jack: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President : "Ah, in that case....."

This is how business is done!!
Why you got married?

2 old friends meet on the street:
"Hey, I've heard you got married! Why? You always said you'll never do that!"
"Yes, but look: I get married, because it has already disgusted me - the brothel every day, the many hookers, always drinking too much, wasting so much money..." Sad
"And, now?"
"Now I like this again!"
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Old 01-29-2010, 06:43 AM
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The Tunnel

Sitting together on a train was Barack Obama, George W. Bush, a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts..

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks: Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him..

The blonde girl thinks:

Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him.

Obama thinks:

Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

George Bush thinks:

I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack Obama again.
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Old 01-29-2010, 07:16 AM
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A koala bear is sitting at a bar one nite when he sees an atractive young lady sitting by herself. He goes over and buys her a drink and makes conversation for a while. After the drink she leans over and asks the koala bear if he wants to accompany her back to her place. The two leave together and end up having sex all night. In the morning she says to the koala bear, "that will be $200." The koala gives her a puzzled look and asks why. She answers, 'I am a prostitute." The bear shrugs his shoulders and say, "I am a koala bear, I don't know what a prostitute is." She hands him a dictionary and tells him to look up prostitute. He takes the dictionary and reads the definition of prostitute. It say that it is somebody who has sex for money. The bear says OK I understand now but I am a koala bear. The prostitute says it shouldn't make any difference but she doesn't know anything about a koala bear. He tells her to look up the definition of koala bear in the dictionary. She does and reads it out loud. It says a koala bear is a small bear that is native to southeast asia that eats bushes and leaves. The koala then gave her a wink and a smile and walks out the door.
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Old 01-29-2010, 07:26 AM
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When Clinton was in office toward the end of his term he was feeling a little out of shape. He decided to take up jogging. He would run the same route every day and every day he would pass the same hooker standing on the same corner. Every time he passed she would yell out $50. Clinton always would turn as he passed by and yell back $5. One day Hillary decided that she too would like to get in better shape and told Bill she would like to start jogging with him. Unable to come up with a good excuse as to why this wouldn't be a good idea he agreed to let her join him. Off they went on the same route. As they get a little way down the road he sees the hooker. He is thinking to himself that this is going to be bad. They get closer and the hooker says nothing. They get right beside her and she says nothing. At this point Bill thinks he is in the clear. All of a sudden as they pass the hooker yells to Bill, "See what you get for $5!"
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Old 01-29-2010, 08:15 AM
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lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided
to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what
your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom
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