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Old 01-07-2019, 12:19 PM
  #4941  
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Ever notice that all of Norway's ships have bar codes painted on the side of them?

It really helps when they come back to port.


they can quickly....


scandinavian....
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Old 01-07-2019, 02:59 PM
  #4942  
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Vinny and Sal are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Sal grabs his chest and falls to the ground.

He doesn’t seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.

Vinny whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He tells the operator, "I think Sal is dead! What should I do?

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence. And then a gun shot is heard. Vinny's voice comes back on the line,

"Okay... Now what? "
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Old 01-08-2019, 07:16 AM
  #4943  
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Back in the day when I attended Woodstock, I bumped into a friend that was really high on weed wearing only one sandal. I asked if he lost one and he replied, "Nope, found one" .
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Old 01-08-2019, 09:16 AM
  #4944  
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Originally Posted by Seon View Post
Back in the day when I attended Woodstock, I bumped into a friend that was really high on weed wearing only one sandal. I asked if he lost one and he replied, "Nope, found one" .
Walking around barefoot was somewhat popular for the "in" crowd in 1969.
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Old 01-08-2019, 09:23 AM
  #4945  
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Originally Posted by SeaJay View Post
Walking around barefoot was somewhat popular for the "in" crowd in 1969.
Most of them also stunk to high heaven.
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Old 01-09-2019, 05:35 AM
  #4946  
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"Lemon Pickers Needed" read the ad in the newspaper.

Ms. Sally Mulligan of Coral Springs, Florida, read it, and decided to apply for one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do. She submitted her application for a job in a Florida lemon grove, but seemed far too qualified for the job.

She has a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan, and a master's degree from Michigan State University. For a number of years, she had worked as a social worker, and also as a school teacher.

The foreman studied her application, frowned, and said, "I see that you are well educated, and have an impressive resume. "However, I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have," she said, "I've been divorced three times, owned two Fords, voted twice for Obama, and once for Hillary."

She started work yesterday.
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Old 01-09-2019, 02:12 PM
  #4947  
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Larry is on year 6 of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate named Jimmy.

After taking a few days to size Jimmy up, Larry finally decides he can trust the guy so he tells Jimmy about his plan to escape.

"You see", says Larry, "for the first 3 years I trained my digestive system. Whatever I eat now comes out broken down into its individual components."

Jimmy laughs but is obviously intrigued.

"So for the past couple of years I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform," says Larry. "It's perfect because the dumb guards think it's just rats chewing on it."

"That's great," says Jimmy. "But what does any of this have to do with me? What's the angle ?"

"Well", says Larry, "the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers and I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough fibers to put together a rope long enough to get us over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers."

Disgusted, Jimmy says, "You have got to be kidding me, dude !"

"Not kidding, Jimmy", says, Larry. " I shit. You knot."

Last edited by marketic; 01-09-2019 at 04:09 PM.
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Old 01-11-2019, 09:48 AM
  #4948  
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A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, His elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, “Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.”

She replies, “If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.”





:

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says “I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.”

The husband, rejected, turns over…

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. “Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?”







Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day, to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion: he had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

“What's wrong, Bill?” she asked.

“Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?”

“Oh, Bill, you didn't!” she exclaimed.

“Yes, I did,” he replied.

“My God, Bill, what happened?”

“I got fired.”

“No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?”

“Oh... she got fired too.”



A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, “Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.”

“I know,” the old man said. “We were probably sitting here naked as a jay-bird fifty years ago.”

“Well,” Granny snickered. “Let's relive some old times.” Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

“You know, honey,” the little old lady breathlessly replied, “my nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.”

“I wouldn't be surprised,” replied Gramps. “One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.”
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Old 01-11-2019, 02:54 PM
  #4949  
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A burglar decided to burgle the safe in a store. On the safe door he was very pleased to find a note reading, "Please don't use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn the knob." He did so.

Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire premises were floodlighted, and alarms started clanging.

As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard moaning, "Can't trust nobody no more!"
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Old 01-13-2019, 02:32 PM
  #4950  
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just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large fries, ear of corn & a jumbo hot dog. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I haven't eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime. She said 'sorry about the wait'. I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually'.


I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said, 'Nope, you're still black'.


Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance', with a face like that!


A 10-year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.' 'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last 'ting' on my mind at the moment.'


Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!


Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.


I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself. I'm going to take that.'


I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong. The question was where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer...hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?


I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.


I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.
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Old 01-14-2019, 12:22 AM
  #4951  
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A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.

“Wow, this is great,” he thought. It wasn’t long before he came to a hedge and after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight – lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

“Hey,” he called. “I’m a rabbit from the laboratory and I’ve just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?”

“Yes. Come and join us,” they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. “What else do you wild rabbits do?” he asked.

“Well,” one of them said. “You see that field there? It’s got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.” This, he couldn’t resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, “What else do you do?”

“You see that field there? It’s got lettuce growing in it. We eat that as well.” The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full.

“It’s fantastic out here in the world” he told them.

“So are you going to live with us then?” one of them asked.

“I’m sorry, I had a great time but I can’t.” The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit

surprised. “Why? We thought you liked it here.”

“I do,” the rabbit replied. “But I must get back to the lab. I’m dying for a cigarette.”
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Old 01-14-2019, 12:34 AM
  #4952  
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A college student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch.

However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:

‘A swan shan’t be friends with a pig.’

‘Then I shall fly on,’ answered the student with a smile.

The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to fail the student.

At the oral exam, he gave the student the hardest questions, but the student had amazing answers for everything. Therefore, hoping he could still fail his victim, the teacher asked him a trickier question:

‘You’re walking on a road and you find two bags. One contains gold, the other cleverness. Which bag do you choose?’

‘The gold.’

‘Unfortunately, I don’t agree. I’d choose cleverness because that’s more important than money.’

‘Everyone would choose what they don’t have,’ says the student.

The teacher turns red, and he’s so angry he writes “ass” on the student’s paper. The student leaves without looking at the paper. However, he returns shortly, gives back his paper and says:

‘Excuse me sir, you signed my paper, but you forgot to give me my grade!’
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Old 01-14-2019, 12:38 AM
  #4953  
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A hungry guy really fancies a bowl of hot chili.

He sees a diner just up the street, so he decides to head there.

A pretty waitress shows him to his seat, and he promptly places his order.

The waitress says, “Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl”.

He looks over and sees that the guy’s finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, “Are you going to eat that chili?”

The other guy says, “No. Help yourself”.

He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat.

When he gets about halfway down, his spoon hits something.

He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.

The other guy says, “Yeah, that’s about as far as I got, too.”
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Old 01-14-2019, 12:40 AM
  #4954  
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A young virgin couple is finally wed.

Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither is willing to admit it or ask each other about it.

Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father.

“Pop, what do I do first?”

“Get naked and climb into bed,” his father replies.

So, the young man does as he is advised. The girl is mortified and calls her mama.

“Get naked and join him,” is the advice from mama, so she complies.

After laying there for a few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again.

“Now what do I do?” he asks.

His father replies, “Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of your body and put it where she urinates!” is the dad’s advice.

A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. “What do I do now?” she asks.

“Well, what is he doing?” mama asks.

“He’s in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!”
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Old 01-14-2019, 12:43 AM
  #4955  
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Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.”

“Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle, “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”

She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said: “How well can you do?”

“Ummm…I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.

“My, my,” said the Poodle, “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.”

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?”

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, “Liver alone, cheese mine.”
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Old 01-14-2019, 12:47 AM
  #4956  
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An engineer, physicist, and mathematician have been imprisoned.

At some point, the warden realizes that the three men haven’t been fed in a while.

He accompanies an officer to check up on them.

The warden and officer arrive at the first cell that contained the engineer.

To their astonishment, the cell was empty and the wall had a hole in it.

“How is that possible?” said the officer. “That wall was solid concrete!”

The warden quietly inspected the cell.

After a few minutes, he exited and said, “He seems to have built a pick out of the eating utensils we gave him and used it to make the hole.”

The warden and officer continued to the next cell that contained the physicist.

However, he too was gone and once again there was a hole in the wall.

And of course, the warden inspected the cell and returned after a few minutes.

The warden declared, “According to the papers on his bed, he very carefully calculated the weakest point on the wall and repeatedly hit it with a rock until it broke open.”

Finally, they arrived at the last cell that contained the mathematician.

Unfortunately, he lay dead on the cell floor from starvation.

The officer sighed. “After the other two, I would have expected he would have also escaped. He also has some papers on his bed.”

The warden entered the cell and picked up the papers. Then he shook his head and chuckled.

“It appears,” the warden said, “that he spent several days writing a very detailed proof that it was possible to break the wall.”
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Old 01-14-2019, 11:34 AM
  #4957  
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An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course & heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house. As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads: COLD BEER: $5.00 HAMBURGER: $10.00 CHEESEBURGER: $15.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $18.50 HAND JOB: $250.00 Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar & beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. “Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help?" The old golfer leans over the bar & whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?” She looks into his wrinkled eyes & with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am.” The old golfer leans in even closer & into her left ear says softly: “Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger.”
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Old 01-17-2019, 12:41 AM
  #4958  
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Day 1073 of my captivity

My captors continue to taunt by dangling little objects in front of my face. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed

hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am. Bastards!

Day 1074

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Day 1075

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cage, so he is safe. For now…

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Old 01-17-2019, 12:45 AM
  #4959  
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The nurse asked a patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown to be checked by the doctor.

“In front of you?” He asks shyly.

The nurse says: “Well no, but I’ve seen the naked human body before. The man said, “Not one like mine. You’d die laughing at my naked body.”

“Of course I won’t laugh,” said the Nurse to the patient, “I’m a professional. In over twenty years I’ve never laughed at a patient.”

“Okay then,” said the patient, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing a huge male body with the smallest adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life. In length and girth it was almost identical to an AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out.

And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man’s private parts, she composed herself as well as she could.

“I am so sorry,” she said, “I don’t know what came over me. On my honor as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won’t happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?”

“It’s swollen,” Bob replied.

She ran out of the room.
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Old 01-17-2019, 12:48 AM
  #4960  
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A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work…

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, “Dark in here.”

The man says, “Yes, it is.”

Boy – “I have a baseball.”

Man – “That’s nice.”

Boy – “Want to buy it?”

Man – “No, thanks.”

Boy – “My dad’s outside.”

Man – “OK, how much?”

Boy – “$150”

Man – “Fine, fine, just be quiet.”

A few weeks later the husband arrives early again. The lover, now practiced, dives into the closet just in time. He breathes heavily, then hears a sudden rustle behind him.

“Dark in here.”

Man – “Yes, it is.”

Boy – “I have a Wilson infielder’s glove.”

The lover sighs. “How much?”

Boy – “$350”

Man – “Highway robbery. Sold.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your gloves, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.”

The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my ball and my glove.”

The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”

The boy says, “$500” The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess your greed.”

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.

The boy says, “Dark in here.”

The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again, you’re in my closet now.”
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