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Bring Out Your Jokes

Old 08-10-2007, 12:51 PM
  #21  
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A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."



The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."




The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?
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Old 08-10-2007, 12:58 PM
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stingerhook1 - 8/10/2007 12:51 PM



A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."



The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."




The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

Great one! E-mailing to the wife right now!


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Old 08-10-2007, 01:52 PM
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Drinking with a redneck girl

A Mexican, an Iraqi, and a redneck girl are in the same bar. When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses are

so cheap we don't need to drink with the Same one twice."

The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either."

The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her ..45, and shoots the

Mexican and the Iraqi. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, "In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."
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Old 08-16-2007, 05:46 PM
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*_OLD SAILOR_*

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks
once more for old times sake. He hires a prostitute and takes her up
to a room. He's going at it as best as he can for a guy his age. He asks,
"How am I doing?"

The prostitute replies, "Well sailor, you're doing about three knots."

"Three knots?" he replies, "What's that suppose to mean?"

She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting
your money back"
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Old 08-17-2007, 09:53 AM
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This guy walks into a dentist's office and plops down in the chair.

"How can I help you?", asks the dentist.

"I think I'm a moth", replies the guy.

"You do have a problem but why did you come into a dentist's office?", asks the Dentist.

"The light was on".
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Old 08-17-2007, 01:27 PM
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A ventriloquist is visiting an Indian reservation and decides to have a little fun with the chief.

“Hey there,” he says. “I bet I can make your horse talk.”

“Horse no talk,” says the chief.

“We’ll see,” says the ventriloquist. He turns to the horse and asks, “So how does your master treat you?”

“Good,” says the horse (as the ventriloquist throws his voice). “Chief give me plenty of food and water, Chief let me run all over, Chief treat me well.”

The Chief has a shocked look on his face.

“I bet I can make the dog talk, too,” says the ventriloquist.

“Dog no talk,” says the chief.

“How about you?” the ventriloquist asks the dog. “Is he good to you too?”

“Yup,” says the dog. “Chief give me plenty food, Chief give me plenty water, Chief let me run all over, Chief treat me well.”

The Chief again has a look of disblief.

“Let’s see what the sheep has to say,” says the ventriloquist.

“Stop!!” yells the chief. “Sheep lie!”
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Old 08-17-2007, 01:41 PM
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Two cannibals are sitting at the dinner table eating a comedian....One cannibal looks up and says "Does something taste funny"?
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Old 08-17-2007, 02:00 PM
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Why do shepherds wear robes?

Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away....
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Old 08-17-2007, 02:06 PM
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An Amish boy and his father were in a shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw - but especially by two shiny silver doors that would move apart and slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching in amazement, a fat homely old lady walked up to the doors and pressed a button. The doors then opened and the fat lady walked into a small chamber and the doors closed behind her. The boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the doors light up sequentially. They continued to watch until the last number was reached; then the numbers began to light up in reverse order. Finally, the doors opened and a gorgeous young blonde stepped out and walked away.

The father, not taking his eyes off the beautiful young women, said quietly to his son "Go get your mother".
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Old 08-17-2007, 02:07 PM
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Another punch line for the dog joke...
"Go ahead. It's your dog!"
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Old 08-17-2007, 02:57 PM
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A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get
their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next
day the kids came back and 1 by 1 began to tell their stories.

Johnny, do
you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my
Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to
bail out over enemy
territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a
pistol and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it
wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy
troops. She shot
fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets,
killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed
the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens" said the
horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this
horrible story?"

"Stay the heck (word substituted) away from Aunt Karen when she's
drinking."
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Old 01-27-2010, 01:19 PM
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Little Firefighter

If you don't laugh at this one, you're not breathing.

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little
girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden
hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the
firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer.
The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig,
but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a
siren.'
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Old 01-27-2010, 02:25 PM
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This one is older than I am, but it's my all time favorite one liner.

Why did the pervert cross the road?




He was hung up in the chicken.
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Old 01-27-2010, 02:31 PM
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Watch the State of the Union tonight.Should be a good laugh
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Old 01-27-2010, 04:36 PM
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Menzies.


Big Al
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Old 01-27-2010, 05:08 PM
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Why Did Micheal Jackson wear white gloves?





So he did'nt bite his finger off while eating toatsie rolls...

Badda Bing............ ok ok one more try.......

Whats the difference between Beer nuts and Deer nuts ???

Beers nuts are a buck twenty five AND Deer nuts are under a buck !

Ta Daaaaa!
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Old 01-27-2010, 05:27 PM
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President Obama was jogging in the countryside with his secrect service when they happened on an old bridge, well our great president trips over the curb, falls over the guardrail into the water. Three young kids in an old johnboat pull him up into the old boat. The president asked the kids if they knew who he was. The kids gleefully said yes sir you are our president. Mr Obama says yes i am and to show my appreciation for saving me i will grant you guys 1 thing in the entire world. 1st kid says i want a ride to school in the presidential helicopter landing right on the playground, the president says done, He turns to the next kid and said how about you, the kid smiles and said i want the most expensive bike in the world, no problem son consider it done, finally he asks the last kid and you? Well sir i want a motorized wheelchair. Mr Obama looks at the kid and says you dont looked handicapped why would you ask for this? The kid looks at him and says, ill need one when i get home and tell my dad i pulled your ass out of the river
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Old 01-27-2010, 05:41 PM
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A crusty old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and
heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar
:
COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old
golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled
golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"
The old golfer leans over the bar an whispers, "I was wondering, young
lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs? "

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes Sir , I sure
am."

The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear and says softly, "Well,
wash your hands real fucking good because I want a cheeseburger."
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Old 01-27-2010, 05:45 PM
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A termite walks into a pub and asks...........................

.................................................. ..............
Where is the bartender?

Last edited by baitkiller; 01-27-2010 at 05:46 PM. Reason: stoooopid
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Old 01-27-2010, 05:48 PM
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Two jews, an italian and a black preist walk into a bar......


The barman looks up and says:...........................

"What is this? A joke"?
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