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anybody like puns?

Old 07-18-2007, 09:15 AM
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Default anybody like puns?

(1) King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after
years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of
the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he
went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give
you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King
protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied,
"When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

(2) Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid
bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed
in a fire, and we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

(3) A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted "Doctor! I think
I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll
just have to be a little patient."

(4) A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins
that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day,
his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On
the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he
gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with
transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

(5) Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to
produce other products and, since they already made the cases for watches,
they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that
people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California . This, of
course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"

(6) A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets
and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We
have absolutely nothing to go on."

(7) An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man.
After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of
elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and
swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man
returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said,
"The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

(8) A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his
name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the
local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have
completely taken
Leif off my census."

(9) There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on
an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became
pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the
hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the
hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

(10) A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies
with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a
particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the
anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and
said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"
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Old 07-18-2007, 09:32 AM
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Default Re: anybody like puns?

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Old 07-18-2007, 09:36 AM
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Default Re: anybody like puns?

puns of fun...........
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Old 07-18-2007, 05:03 PM
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Default Re: anybody like puns?

Guy walks nekkid into a shrinks office, all wrapped in cellophane. Doc says "I can clearly see your nuts...."
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Old 07-18-2007, 05:47 PM
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Default Re: anybody like puns?

guy gets invited to a costum party where you are supposed to come dressed as an emotion.......lots of people come in red for anger or green with envy, etc..........he shows up naked with his dick hanging into a bowl of pudding.........at the door the host laughs and asks what the hell he's supposed to be...says he......"can't you see i'm fuk!ng dis custard"
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Old 07-18-2007, 06:05 PM
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Ow! That hurt!

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Old 07-18-2007, 06:23 PM
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Default Re: anybody like puns?

sounds like the guy with a potato on his weenie..he was a "dicktater"
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Old 07-18-2007, 06:56 PM
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billinstuart - 7/18/2007 6:23 PM

sounds like the guy with a potato on his weenie..he was a "dicktater"

LOL !!! hey , i'm easily amused
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Old 07-19-2007, 01:04 AM
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Default Re: anybody like puns?

Ouch, Ouch, and OUCH!!!!!
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Old 07-19-2007, 05:55 AM
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randall - 7/18/2007 5:47 PM

guy gets invited to a costum party where you are supposed to come dressed as an emotion.......lots of people come in red for anger or green with envy, etc..........he shows up naked with his dick hanging into a bowl of pudding.........at the door the host laughs and asks what the hell he's supposed to be...says he......"can't you see i'm fuk!ng dis custard"
The way I heard that one, there were two guys at the door and the other one had his crank stuck into a piece of fruit, and the first guest said "I am effing dis custard, and my friend here just came in dis pear...
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Old 07-19-2007, 08:08 AM
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Default Re: anybody like puns?

gringo...i like your version better....that joke was real big here in the building trades about 25 years ago......must have been told to me a dozen times in a dozen ways but i never heard that one
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