Notices

How well do you know the bible?

Old 04-16-2007, 08:36 PM
  #1  
Senior Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Jacksonville, Florida, US
Posts: 14,527
Default How well do you know the bible?

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST. KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.




1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS .

8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTL E OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.
Menzies is offline  
Old 04-16-2007, 08:44 PM
  #2  
Senior MemberCaptains Club MemberPLEDGER
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Jax Fla,Horseshoe Beach Fla
Posts: 13,398
Default RE: How well do you know the bible?

your kidding right?
tommyr904 is offline  
Old 04-16-2007, 08:46 PM
  #3  
Senior MemberCaptains Club Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Santee-Cooper
Posts: 2,220
Default RE: How well do you know the bible?

tommyr904 - 4/16/2007 8:44 PM

your kidding right?



my thought exactly
WFOFISHING is offline  
Old 04-16-2007, 08:51 PM
  #4  
Senior MemberCaptains Club MemberPLEDGERPLEDGER
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Struggleville
Posts: 7,525
Default Re: How well do you know the bible?

Menzies, menzies, menzies. A muslim taking pot shots at the bible. I knew it would just be a matter of time.
Bugbuster is offline  
Old 04-16-2007, 09:00 PM
  #5  
Senior MemberCaptains Club Member
PLEDGERPLEDGERPLEDGERPLEDGER
 
Snapper Head's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Republic of West Florida - the ORIGINAL lone star state
Posts: 17,777
Default RE: How well do you know the bible?

This is about the third time this has appeared on THT.

Not much luster when it first showed up, and lots less now.

Do try to keep current, sir.


Big Al
no, I am not Catholic
Snapper Head is offline  
Old 04-16-2007, 09:19 PM
  #6  
Senior MemberCaptains Club Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Seattle, Wa
Posts: 1,269
Default Re: How well do you know the bible?

Sorry,
The wife and I giggled through the whole thing. Some of you guys need to lighten up!!!!!!!
thom
boatommy is offline  
Old 04-16-2007, 09:23 PM
  #7  
Senior Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Jacksonville, Florida, US
Posts: 14,527
Default Re: How well do you know the bible?

Bugbuster - 4/16/2007 8:51 PM

Menzies, menzies, menzies. A muslim taking pot shots at the bible. I knew it would just be a matter of time.
Huh?
Menzies is offline  
Old 04-16-2007, 09:54 PM
  #8  
Senior MemberCaptains Club Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 456
Default Re: How well do you know the bible?

in poor taste and insulting. wow.
Halfswede is offline  
Old 04-16-2007, 09:56 PM
  #9  
Senior Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Jacksonville, Florida, US
Posts: 14,527
Default Re: How well do you know the bible?

Halfswede - 4/16/2007 9:54 PM

in poor taste and insulting. wow.
Menzies is offline  
Old 04-16-2007, 10:05 PM
  #10  
Senior MemberCaptains Club MemberPLEDGER
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Maryland
Posts: 3,910
Default Re: How well do you know the bible?

I can see a bunch of little kids coming up with those answers, come on it was funny. Thats the great thing about non muslims, for the most part they can take a joke. Try that kind of statement in an Islamic country, it's legal to kill those who blaspheme god in any way.
Captain Sid is offline  
Old 04-16-2007, 10:16 PM
  #11  
Senior MemberCaptains Club Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Augusta, Ga/Beaufort, Sc
Posts: 1,827
Default Re: How well do you know the bible?

I thought it was funny
trapit is offline  
Old 04-16-2007, 11:05 PM
  #12  
Senior MemberCaptains Club Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: On The Tenna Sea
Posts: 6,212
Default Re: How well do you know the bible?

It was funny, as long as you meant for it to be. I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt in this case because I don't have any reason not to. Maybe I haven't been on here long enough to be insulted like some of the others.

No way any elementary kids came up with some of that stuff though. I'll go back in my email and see if I can find a funny someone sent which was supposedly excerpts from actual church bulletins. I was very funny, and as far as I know, it was for real.

Hey, God had a sense of humour too. Just look at a Basset Hound if you want proof. I wonder if he takes credit for Rosie O'Donnell?
TN FREEBIRD is offline  
Old 04-16-2007, 11:40 PM
  #13  
Senior MemberCaptains Club Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location:
Posts: 181
Default RE: How well do you know the bible?

That was funny. Insulting to whom? I found that in perfectly fine taste.Its what it is..... humor!
highmatic is offline  
Old 04-16-2007, 11:45 PM
  #14  
Senior MemberCaptains Club MemberPLEDGER
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Hammond, LA
Posts: 17,418
Default RE: How well do you know the bible?

Snapper Head - 4/16/2007 8:00 PM

Big Al
no, I am not Catholic
pity...you'd fit right in
cgrand is offline  
Old 04-17-2007, 12:03 AM
  #15  
Senior MemberCaptains Club MemberPLEDGER
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Whitesboro, texas
Posts: 8,050
Default Re: How well do you know the bible?

From the mouths of babe's

welder is offline  
Old 04-17-2007, 12:08 AM
  #16  
Senior MemberCaptains Club MemberPLEDGER
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Marshfield, Ma
Posts: 2,315
Default Re: How well do you know the bible?

I just want the pope to get rid of the fur..........
geminiII is offline  
Old 04-17-2007, 01:26 AM
  #17  
Senior MemberCaptains Club Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Great State of Tennessee
Posts: 874
Default Re: How well do you know the bible?

[img]../images/emoticons/laugh.gif[/img][img]../images/emoticons/laugh.gif[/img][img]../images/emoticons/laugh.gif[/img][img]../images/emoticons/laugh.gif[/img][img]../images/emoticons/laugh.gif[/img]

Wow! My husband and I laughed our heads off at that!! I had not seen that one before. How in the world can anyone find that insulting? Kids come up with the best stuff. No reason to think they didnt come up with that stuff on their own. They would have been studying epistles, apostles, and the like. We all gotta lighten up when possible (or necessary) and appreciate a good laugh when it comes our way.

To quote Seal

"But we're never gonna survive, unless...
We get a little crazy
No we're never gonna survive, unless...
We are a little...crazy, crazy, crazy"
cerichcreek is offline  
Old 04-17-2007, 08:09 AM
  #18  
Senior MemberCaptains Club Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: east hampton ny usa
Posts: 2,244
Default Re: How well do you know the bible?

its not funny to people who have a perpetual ax to grind and see everything in life as us and them...i laughed.....and at the moment.... i needed one
randall is offline  
Old 04-17-2007, 04:11 PM
  #19  
Admirals ClubCaptains Club Member Admiral's Club Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 2,009
Default Re: How well do you know the bible?

So funny, I loved it. Some of you folks are taking life way too seriously, and contrary to what some might think, ya ain’t gonna get out of it alive, so laugh it up and have fun.



Ray, Tennessee 2180DLX Carolina Skiff 90HP Honda
rayteagarden1 is offline  
Old 04-17-2007, 04:47 PM
  #20  
Senior MemberCaptains Club MemberPLEDGER
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: North Texas
Posts: 3,366
Default Re: How well do you know the bible?

CUTE ~!!!

To the rest of you ~ .......................lighten up, Francis ~

farmerjane is offline  

Thread Tools
Search this Thread