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Finding an adoptive parent

Old 06-22-2020, 09:23 PM
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Default Finding an adoptive parent

Would you want to be contacted by a child you put up for adoption. Wondering how a parent might react. I am sure most of the time it is not what you see on TV with a happy ending. In a nut shell lets say after 53 years you were able to find out who your biological mother was along with a whole slew of extended family. What says the masses on THT, have seen some good advice here. Not sure its fair to the parent after all this time.
Old 06-22-2020, 09:40 PM
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Originally Posted by alka2710 View Post
Would you want to be contacted by a child you put up for adoption. Wondering how a parent might react. I am sure most of the time it is not what you see on TV with a happy ending. In a nut shell lets say after 53 years you were able to find out who your biological mother was along with a whole slew of extended family. What says the masses on THT, have seen some good advice here. Not sure its fair to the parent after all this time.
I know someone who reached out to her biological dad who apparently never even knew she existed (she was like 40 by this time). He didn’t want anything to do with her.

For you situation, I don’t think it’d hurt to send a letter to the parent that just says “hey I’m your kid. It’d be cool to get to know you but I understand the feeling may not be mutual . If you’re interested, here’s my number”. Also, If you know the parent is well off, I’d also be clear you’re not looking for $$$, and You just simply want to meet them.
Old 06-22-2020, 09:42 PM
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My next door neighbor I grew up with was adopted. After both his adoptive parents passed he some how was contacted by his birth mother. She never had any more kids they have connected and it has been amicable for both as far as I know. My friend is about 52 his birth mother had him very young
Old 06-22-2020, 10:47 PM
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I can only give my opinion from the other side , the side you appear to be on .

My older sister and I are adopted . My sister found her birth family years back , before it was as easy as it is today . I think a large part of her want to find her bio family had to do with her being 1/2 Native American and feeling out of place growing up in the 50's - 60's white burbs . My parents knew her heritage and had explained why she looked different when she could understand .

She went and met them and still keeps in touch . She found out some things she would have rather not known at the same time though . I know she's glad she did it but it wasn't all unicorns .

I never had the urge . I've often thought about what I'll do if I'm ever contacted . I try to think of the best way to thank them for giving me up to wonderful parents , but that I have no desire to go any further .

​​​​​Everyone is different . If you move on it or away from it there is no right or wrong . Just be prepared for it to go either way .
Old 06-22-2020, 11:06 PM
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No. There is absolutely nothing that ties them together, other than genetics and a brief moment in history. Life is complicated enough, than to go actively looking for more drama.
Old 06-22-2020, 11:27 PM
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Uh, no. That would be super weird. I don't even talk to my own brother and I know who he is. Have not seen him for like 3-4 years. Would be super awkward, what is the point?
Old 06-23-2020, 03:09 AM
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Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Old 06-23-2020, 04:09 AM
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Originally Posted by alka2710 View Post
Would you want to be contacted by a child you put up for adoption. Wondering how a parent might react. I am sure most of the time it is not what you see on TV with a happy ending. In a nut shell lets say after 53 years you were able to find out who your biological mother was along with a whole slew of extended family. What says the masses on THT, have seen some good advice here. Not sure its fair to the parent after all this time.
Thing is you have to go into it looking for answers. DO NOT go into it hoping it will have a happy ending. I'm adopted. Funny note on that, only child preachers kid, and adoption parents had the last name Foster. How many kids get to say no one loved them so they put me in a Foster Home. Name of the boat I got after christmas I nick named it Foster Child.

Social services is the only way to do that. YOu pay them they do the search. If they do or if they don't find them you pay. Its a service. Found my real mom at 42 years old. 4 brothers one sister she adopted but things change state to state. Like in FLA I can't find out who my sister is in Fla. In VA I can. Different states have different laws about that.
My real mom had me in Portsmouth VA. She actually came up from Fla to do that. Don't ask me why don't have a clue.

She was a crud woman, the 4 bothers , every single one of them were a mess. One was in prison . started writting me he needed money to rewrite the bible .
So DO NOT go into it with the rainbow and bright sky ideas. Its a way to find out answers to that black hole you have had all our life. Thats it. !!

If your a emotional person I would really think about it. You might not like the outcome.

I'm glad I did. It ended that void we have when your a adopted child. You want to know the reason, natually see what they look like, and try to satify your own mind kinda put a ending to the story in a way.

Good luck and if you have a wife or GF involve them with you. Most that are not adopted don't understand but its a huge thing in our lives to get those answers.
Old 06-23-2020, 04:19 AM
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I only did it before my wife and I decided to have kids. I only asked to know about any medical or hereditary problems. I didn’t have any need for contact only medical info so I could make a decision about having children.
Old 06-23-2020, 04:48 AM
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My step mother was recently contacted by the child (a son) she had when she was very young. It turns out he is a good guy and wanted to meet his real mother. They have formed a relationship and communicate regularly.
To hear it from my dad's perspective, he always thought something was missing in her life (he didn't know anything about this). She has always been a kind person but upon meeting her son, she has become someone who now looks at everything in a positive light.
I guess, these things impact individuals differently. Best of luck!
Old 06-23-2020, 05:04 AM
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A client of mine had a good experience. They had a child before they were married about 50 years ago and gave it up for adoption. They never had children of their own due to a medical issue. About 15 years ago they reached out through an agency and did not get a response. About 5 years ago, they tried again, and got a response. Their daughter lives in Rhode Island and is quite successful and raised 3 kids. Husband is also stable and successful. They all decided to start a relationship and my client now treats the kids as grandchildren. My client is a Millionaire Next Door type. I don't think the daughter has any idea what awaits the kids.
Old 06-23-2020, 05:29 AM
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I'm not adopted, so it doesn't directly apply, but I've seen the situation play out a couple of times.

My brother was adopted, and I think a while back, he made an attempt to find out, but it never really got very far.

My cousin was also adopted. I never knew it growing up. A couple of years ago, she started looking, and made contact with her biological mother. Overall, it was pretty positive. She met some siblings or step-siblings, and they keep in contact. They are geographically separated, but still keep in contact.

A friend of mine was contacted by a child that was adopted. When the child turned 18, he wanted to find out who his biological parents were. Overall, I'd say the meeting went fairly well. The weirdest part was that the biological mother, then and still my friend's wife, never told my friend that she had gotten pregnant and had given the child up for adoption. At the time, my friend was in the Air Force, and was deployed to Iraq.
Old 06-23-2020, 11:48 AM
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As mentioned black hole is a good way to look at it. I do not have expectations of holidays together but would really like to sit down over a cup of coffee and talk. As for me NYS just opened up adoption birth certificates and I just got mine. Took all of 20 mins to google search, social media search and marriage certificate search to come up with who I am 99% sure is biological mom. My real hesitation is on contacting her and how that would make her feel. I had good parents who adopted me as an infant and a strong relationship with brother and sister along with extended family. Turns out biological mother Woulis 71 and dont want to rehash old wounds on her at this stage in her life. Was wondering if anyone had real world experience with a mother who was contacted and her reaction.
Old 06-23-2020, 11:52 AM
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Nope and hell nope. I don't need more people complicating my life and at this point, they are the person who they are but I am thinking of this in a slightly different context of not adoption but the mother never told me. If there is a mini me out there I don't have control if they reach out to me so if they were a functional adult who was not looking for an emotional or financial handout I would give them a chance.
Old 06-23-2020, 12:06 PM
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I would think at this point now that you know who they are you will probably convince yourself to reach out to them at some point in the future no matter what. I wouldn't let anymore time
​​​slip by if she is 71. Like you said if anything to at least know you tried and close the chapter.

Perhaps an email followed up by a letter in the mail a week later in case it went to spam then that leaves the ball in their court.
Old 06-23-2020, 12:06 PM
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The best fishing partner I have ever had was eating supper with his wife and there was a knock on the door. He answered and a 20ish female holding a baby was standing there. She told him that she was his daughter from a fling with xxxxxxx some 20 years ago. He invited her in, they spent some time together, exchanged some info and she went on her way. He said everything she said was spot on and she even looks like him.

He tried for the better part of 5 years to keep in touch with her and nothing. I have never witnessed a man get so torn up in my life... hasn't been the same since. I knew him app. 4 years before this took place.

Not the same as the OP. Just throwing it out there, don't expect it to end like a fairy tail.
Old 06-23-2020, 02:29 PM
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I met my biological mother at 28, with the support of my adopted parents. Went through the agency, who was able to find her for me and did the initial contact.

That was 12 years ago. We have a fantastic relationship, along with her husband, my half sister, and tons of cousins. All of them, without hesitation have always treated me like family. My only regret is that I waited so long.

Not every situation is the same. I always knew I was adopted, her husband knew from the get-go that she had a son from a previous relationship, so there was no surprise/shock there. I feel very blessed to have '2 families'.

I have not met my biological father, who was not in the picture for long in the first place. She has tried to find where he might be without success, I have not tried myself. Perhaps one day.

I like the letter idea. Something simple like; If you are who I think you are, I'd like to meet for coffee, at least to be able to have met you in person. I will respect your decision regardless of your answer, and I want to you to know I'm OK, and have had a good life, and I thank you for making what must have been a tough decision and giving a good family a chance to have a son/daughter they could love as their own.
Old 06-23-2020, 07:14 PM
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Originally Posted by TrybalRage View Post
I met my biological mother at 28, with the support of my adopted parents. Went through the agency, who was able to find her for me and did the initial contact.

That was 12 years ago. We have a fantastic relationship, along with her husband, my half sister, and tons of cousins. All of them, without hesitation have always treated me like family. My only regret is that I waited so long.

Not every situation is the same. I always knew I was adopted, her husband knew from the get-go that she had a son from a previous relationship, so there was no surprise/shock there. I feel very blessed to have '2 families'.

I have not met my biological father, who was not in the picture for long in the first place. She has tried to find where he might be without success, I have not tried myself. Perhaps one day.

I like the letter idea. Something simple like; If you are who I think you are, I'd like to meet for coffee, at least to be able to have met you in person. I will respect your decision regardless of your answer, and I want to you to know I'm OK, and have had a good life, and I thank you for making what must have been a tough decision and giving a good family a chance to have a son/daughter they could love as their own.
Kudos to your (adoptive) parents for supporting you. They sound like amazing people.

It must take a lot of guts for an adoptee to reach out and risk rejection - or no response at all. Respect.
Old 06-23-2020, 07:57 PM
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Best friend in this world’s/college roommate’s wife and SIL are both adopted. Both have connected with their birth mothers with a positive outcome. Buddies wife is from down here, and he is from Maine. Her birth mom ended up being in the north east as well. There is no question who her parents are...but she has additional family she didn’t meet until later on. Her parents have met her birth mother as well, and get together about once a year. She met her biological mom between having their first and second child. Her adoptive parents went up to visit a few weeks after the birth of their second and made a point to make contact ahead of time and bring her bio mom up as a surprise. Turns out her bio mom was pressured by her overly religious folks to have her and put her up for adoption to avoid “shaming the family.” She was young and went along. From what I hear, good person.

keeping such in proper context is critical. If mom was/is a crackhead, don’t expect too much. Maybe she wasn’t. Either way you get closure.
Old 06-23-2020, 08:26 PM
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Originally Posted by alka2710 View Post
Would you want to be contacted by a child you put up for adoption. Wondering how a parent might react. I am sure most of the time it is not what you see on TV with a happy ending. In a nut shell lets say after 53 years you were able to find out who your biological mother was along with a whole slew of extended family. What says the masses on THT, have seen some good advice here. Not sure its fair to the parent after all this time.
Man, aside from the normal bullshit, THT can get deep sometimes. I was adopted so I've been following to see opinions. I've know about it from my earliest memories. My parents had kiddie books explaining what adoption was. For me, I was adopted in Massachusetts. I can send a check for like $30 along with a notarized form and get my original birth certificate. Pretty easy.

I filled out the form about 6 or 7 years ago, had it notarized by a friend, but never sent it in. It wasn't because I was afraid of rejection, or because I was afraid of being "fair" to the woman who gave me up. It was because I realized who my parents were. They were the people who raised me and put up with my complete and utter bullshit for all these years. When I hit about 24 I realized exactly how much of a shit I was growing up, and I also realized how much my parents had done for me. I felt it would have been a slap in their faces to seek out my biological parents and I knew that they deserved MUCH better than that.

Conversely, I know a girl who's adoptive family was abusive and she wanted to find her biological mom in hopes of having a good family. Well, she found her and it didn't work out as she had hoped. It completely destroyed her. I haven't talked to her in about 25 years, but she was on a downward spiral last I knew.

Making contact is a deeply personal choice that can't be answered on a forum. I believe worrying about the biological's feelings is the last thing anyone should care about. There's valid reasons to find out medical history, not only for you but all of your lineage. If that's important to you, make contact. If it upsets them, sorry but they started this whole chain of events years ago.

I just wouldn't suggest making contact if you're trying to fill some personal void. That's when things can get very sour. Get some counseling if that's the case. Also, there's websites where you can put your info out there and open up to possible relatives. If they want to contact you for a meaningful connection, they will.

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