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Abuse? What Would You Do?

Old 10-12-2019, 07:33 PM
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Default Abuse? What Would You Do?

OK. So I need some suggestions on this. My cousin is like my sister, ever since her parents passed when we were young, she basically became direct family. This isn't short, because I have to give backstory for it to make sense.

To the few of you on here who actually know me in real life, I would appreciate some confidentiality on this.

She grew up in a family with a very abusive father. Psychological and physical abuse were the daily norm from birth. Cut to twenty years later and he passes away. She starts dating men who fit the profile of abusive father figure. Psychological and physical. She dated one nice guy who didn't fit this profile, but obviously, it didn't work out.

Cut to today. She is dating a guy she hides. She was a bridesmaid for my now wife the other week. Her boyfriend was at the head table with us. I spoke to him for maybe 2 min. He didn't want to be there and didn't want to speak to anyone. I find out today that this guy's ex works for a friend of mine. She is currently in therapy for psychological and physical abuse from him. It fits to a T.

I asked my cousin when she started dating him what he was like, and she told me not to worry.

Obviously, I have to worry. What do I do here? The feelers I have sent out all agree she is acting strangely and hiding who she is dating.

I'm ready to have my friends who are in LE run his name to check on it, but am I being crazy, or reasonable?

Old 10-12-2019, 07:34 PM
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Pew pew
Old 10-12-2019, 07:38 PM
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Originally Posted by TorFed View Post
OK. So I need some suggestions on this. My cousin is like my sister, ever since her parents passed when we were young, she basically became direct family. This isn't short, because I have to give backstory for it to make sense.

To the few of you on here who actually know me in real life, I would appreciate some confidentiality on this.

She grew up in a family with a very abusive father. Psychological and physical abuse were the daily norm from birth. Cut to twenty years later and he passes away. She starts dating men who fit the profile of abusive father figure. Psychological and physical. She dated one nice guy who didn't fit this profile, but obviously, it didn't work out.

Cut to today. She is dating a guy she hides. She was a bridesmaid for my now wife the other week. Her boyfriend was at the head table with us. I spoke to him for maybe 2 min. He didn't want to be there and didn't want to speak to anyone. I find out today that this guy's ex works for a friend of mine. She is currently in therapy for psychological and physical abuse from him. It fits to a T.

I asked my cousin when she started dating him what he was like, and she told me not to worry.

Obviously, I have to worry. What do I do here? The feelers I have sent out all agree she is acting strangely and hiding who she is dating.

I'm ready to have my friends who are in LE run his name to check on it, but am I being crazy, or reasonable?
Do all you can as fast as you can. Document everything. Hire the best PI you can find.

Old 10-12-2019, 07:55 PM
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Originally Posted by TorFed View Post
OK. So I need some suggestions on this. My cousin is like my sister, ever since her parents passed when we were young, she basically became direct family. This isn't short, because I have to give backstory for it to make sense.

To the few of you on here who actually know me in real life, I would appreciate some confidentiality on this.

She grew up in a family with a very abusive father. Psychological and physical abuse were the daily norm from birth. Cut to twenty years later and he passes away. She starts dating men who fit the profile of abusive father figure. Psychological and physical. She dated one nice guy who didn't fit this profile, but obviously, it didn't work out.

Cut to today. She is dating a guy she hides. She was a bridesmaid for my now wife the other week. Her boyfriend was at the head table with us. I spoke to him for maybe 2 min. He didn't want to be there and didn't want to speak to anyone. I find out today that this guy's ex works for a friend of mine. She is currently in therapy for psychological and physical abuse from him. It fits to a T.

I asked my cousin when she started dating him what he was like, and she told me not to worry.

Obviously, I have to worry. What do I do here? The feelers I have sent out all agree she is acting strangely and hiding who she is dating.

I'm ready to have my friends who are in LE run his name to check on it, but am I being crazy, or reasonable?
If your friends in LE are smart they WONT jeopardize their job running the guy (against most database rules). If your friends do that, they are NOT behaving ethically..You should not be asking them to do that..

Now there are plenty of resources out there that will charge you a small fee that will do it legally...

Last edited by Cracker; 10-12-2019 at 08:02 PM.
Old 10-12-2019, 07:58 PM
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I will also say this

In my vast experience of dealing with domestic violence for 30 years, you will not force a victim to do something they are not prepared to do...

You may drive your cousin away from you be very careful trying to be so heavy handed and so in the middle of her relationship, it may backfire on you..
Old 10-12-2019, 08:00 PM
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Ok I’ll say it. Pics of your sister and cousin.
Old 10-12-2019, 08:04 PM
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Russ will snuff him for a few $ so i heard....
Old 10-12-2019, 08:06 PM
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Originally Posted by Low Bidder View Post
Russ will snuff him for a few $ so i heard....
Take him fishing, problem solved...lol
Old 10-12-2019, 08:09 PM
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Originally Posted by bugnut View Post
Ok I’ll say it. Pics of your sister and cousin.
Most over used comment on THT. Inappropriate at best on this thread.

Good luck OP. Tough spot for sure. I feel Cracker’s comments are right on. Tread lightly but be ready to help.
Old 10-12-2019, 08:09 PM
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Originally Posted by Cracker View Post
I will also say this

In my vast experience of dealing with domestic violence for 30 years, you will not force a victim to do something they are not prepared to do...

You may drive your cousin away from you be very careful trying to be so heavy handed and so in the middle of her relationship, it may backfire on you..
Believe me, I know. If anything, it would make her latch onto them, and give them a reason to make us the enemy. That said, I am not saying that I am going to do anything as a result of the info. I hope I am wrong. I doubt I am, but would be so happy to be wrong. It would just let me know who this person really is, and be ready to help my family member.
Old 10-12-2019, 08:09 PM
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Originally Posted by Cracker View Post
Take him fishing, problem solved...lol
oopps i lost my anchor...
Old 10-12-2019, 08:12 PM
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Mind your own bidniss.
Old 10-12-2019, 08:15 PM
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Originally Posted by Cracker View Post
Take him fishing, problem solved...lol
Cousin is an 'orphan' now. My parents have more or less adopted her. We are all adults, that doesn't make her not having living parents easier. He will be checked out, and if everything winds up as rumor and conjecture (as trust me I hope it does) we will be all good. I'll be the first person to have em over for dinner. If the info I get back seems to match everything I've been told. I won't have em over for dinner.
Old 10-12-2019, 08:18 PM
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Drop a hint the next time you see him . If you know what I mean...
Old 10-12-2019, 08:21 PM
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OP: Is your relationship with your cousin strong enough to allow a direct conversation about her behavior? While the victim of domestic abuse should never be blamed for being victimized, they can encouraged to protect themselves from further victimization.

You might try to strongly encourage her to get some professional help. You may not be able to convince her to dump the new boyfriend, but getting someone who is objective to help her see the situation clearly will hopefully get her to take steps to protect herself. That is a messy situation. Good luck! Feel free to PM me if I can be of any help!
Old 10-12-2019, 08:23 PM
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Making the boyfriend go away won't fix the problem. No one deserves to be abused but from your description your cousin is seeking out abusive boyfriends. Fix that problem. She needs to get some help from a qualified therapist.
Old 10-12-2019, 08:23 PM
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Originally Posted by Low Bidder View Post
oopps i lost my anchor...
Oh I guess not.....the rope is wrapped around your leg when I threw it over! Tough situation no doubt, if you try to talk to her she will just deny it and then she will be pissed at you for asking her. If you can somehow get some evidence but keep her from knowing it was you that would be my tactic. Even if the guy would be pissed off at me if he knew I was involved I wouldn't care much since he is obviously a piece of shit anyway. Can you alert the police and keep yourself anonymous?
Old 10-12-2019, 08:25 PM
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Originally Posted by TorFed View Post
hiding who she is dating
Looks like she already knows the guy is bad news. Not much you can do about it if she knows what she's got.
Old 10-12-2019, 08:25 PM
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Originally Posted by DrDanH View Post
OP: Is your relationship with your cousin strong enough to allow a direct conversation about her behavior? While the victim of domestic abuse should never be blamed for being victimized, they can encouraged to protect themselves from further victimization.

You might try to strongly encourage her to get some professional help. You may not be able to convince her to dump the new boyfriend, but getting someone who is objective to help her see the situation clearly will hopefully get her to take steps to protect herself. That is a messy situation. Good luck! Feel free to PM me if I can be of any help!
Yes. I asked her point blank. She said no, he isn't like that. Not like the others (when it looks like he is). She won't look internally. She isn't ready, and I don't think will ever be ready to acknowledge everything.
Old 10-12-2019, 08:58 PM
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I don't know about Delaware but here in Wisconsin it's easier to find someone's criminal record than it is to find their phone number. If they don't have a terribly common name you don't even need their middle initial or DOB...I took a glance - it might be a little harder in DE but there's no need to ask friends in LE.

For a while I subscribed to a service provided info on folks anywhere in US - including criminal records. For the basic service it was less than the cost of my morning coffee. It was month-by-month so no long term commitment.

If he's a DB,all the more reason to have them over for dinner. Shows you're involved and watching.

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