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How would you feel if your wife wanted to...

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How would you feel if your wife wanted to...

Old 10-09-2019, 09:00 AM
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Default How would you feel if your wife wanted to...

Ok... last night the wife and I got to discussing life and such. Her sister and sisters boyfriend are living together and discussing marriage, children, etc. long story short her sister has some medical things that could be big problems having children...

My wife is entertaining the idea of acting as a gestational surrogate. The DNA would come from her sister and the BF (assume husband at that point) and my wife would carry, give birth and then the child will be theirs.

My knee jerk reaction was not against it. However I had two immediate “concerns”. My wife’s first pregnancy wasn’t the easiest to say the least. 17” blood clot in her leg, DVT, PEs and a lot of hospital stays (one over a week). She nearly died actually. Our second son she had a very “easy” pregnancy. Immediately on the correct blood thinners, got her swapped to the ones for delivering, gave birth quickly and no problems. Because of this I was concerned on whether or not their would be pregnancy issues seeing as she is batting 50:50.

I then wondered how you handle the birth? For both my kids I was there in the room and watched the birth... no idea what would happen in this instance. I assume I’m there for my wife, not so much for my niece/nephew. The parents would be in the waiting room?

Not sure if anyone here has done something like this? Is there any emotional attachment to the child that could cause issues? Are there any other things we would need to think about? I am more asking about the emotional stuff, as the medical issues we can research and figure out easier (wife will be a doctor at that point).
Old 10-09-2019, 09:02 AM
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Wow that is super generous of both of you.
Old 10-09-2019, 09:06 AM
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I'd want to have a good, long conversation with my wife's Gyno before I made anything close to a decision on that. I'm not opposed to it, but like you have already identified, it is not an easy thing on a woman and her body. And just think - something could go wrong. What if the child has birth defects ? What if you wife is injured or dies as a result ? It is a very giving thing to do - I'd just be very cautious and make sure that the wife and I understood all of the risks and made a decision accordingly. Plus, you two have your own kids to worry about and explain all this.... A big decision for sure. Good luck!
Old 10-09-2019, 09:09 AM
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my first reaction isn't 'hell no' by any means. Your wife's health most definitely comes into play though.

i can't speak to the emotional attachment part for her, neither can you really...

my thought on the the delivery room if you go that route... it's time to party! kind of. you get to be there for your wife (no brainier) and SIL/BIL get to come along as well.
Old 10-09-2019, 09:11 AM
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There's a lot of un-adopted kids out there that need love. I know - I was one of them.
Old 10-09-2019, 09:12 AM
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Originally Posted by WeeKilt View Post
There's a lot of un-adopted kids out there that need love. I know - I was one of them.

valid, as well.
Old 10-09-2019, 09:13 AM
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Originally Posted by r_ventura_23 View Post
Wow that is super generous of both of you.

I'm so proud of you for not saying pic of wife, bravo sir.
Old 10-09-2019, 09:15 AM
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I'd say it was mostly ur wifes call. My wife had problems with our daughter also and when it came time to talk about more kids I told her it was solely up to her.
Old 10-09-2019, 09:16 AM
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no effing way i am dealing with a pregnant female if the kid ain't mine!

kidding aside, I would be interested to know how insurance would handle such a thing?
Old 10-09-2019, 09:16 AM
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Your side of the story is presented logically. How much of your wife's views are logical and what percentage is based on emotional? You as the third party always need to keep that separation in clear sight at all times.

And I agree, the other family is not in the delivery room at the time of immediate labor and birth giving! To me that just can NOT happen! Waaaay to many potential downsides to that one.
Old 10-09-2019, 09:19 AM
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IMO today's medical technology has reached a point like many things in life now days, "just because you can, doesn't mean you should!"

If your wife really wants to, then I'm not sure you have a choice or really any say in the matter. If your wife & SIL hatch a plan & convince themselves it's a good one... Sorry brother, hope it all ends well for you.

My wife's health, body, reproductive system as well as OUR TIME isn't for others.
Old 10-09-2019, 09:21 AM
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Originally Posted by WeeKilt View Post
There's a lot of un-adopted kids out there that need love. I know - I was one of them.
This would also be discussed at length as I agree with your comment immensely.

I also agree that it would ultimately be my wife’s decision, however she wants my take on it.
Old 10-09-2019, 09:21 AM
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There will be a bond between the birth mother and baby.
If you and the wife want to do that for her sister I wish you the best. I enjoyed having children with my wife and that would be a tremendous thing for your wife's sister to get to have a child also. Many ladies in this country are not having kids and I think that family is a wonderful thing that the professional women miss out on.

Last edited by Lobstercatcher229; 10-09-2019 at 09:29 AM.
Old 10-09-2019, 09:22 AM
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If it was my wife, no. Being pregnant took a toll on her health further down the line.
Old 10-09-2019, 09:23 AM
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Originally Posted by kawakx125 View Post
no effing way i am dealing with a pregnant female if the kid ain't mine!

kidding aside, I would be interested to know how insurance would handle such a thing?
We talked about that. There were very little issues on the emotional side of her pregnancy. Either of them actually.
Old 10-09-2019, 09:29 AM
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Interesting and your points are valid especially you wife's safety .... though .........

...... on the list of making a sacrifice and doing something out of Love for another Human ...... that's got a lot of street cred

I'd also talk about the attachment issues your wife may face just to be prepared , some psychological preparation also may pay off just to make sure when she see's another with the baby she carried it gives her joy .


wow when I started to type my comment there was no other comments and now I'm 16 .
Old 10-09-2019, 09:30 AM
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Originally Posted by Finfever21 View Post
I'm so proud of you for not saying pic of wife, bravo sir.
I have said that once over the last 4 months or so.
Old 10-09-2019, 09:32 AM
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Originally Posted by ed d View Post
Interesting and your points are valid especially you wife's safety .... though .........

...... on the list of making a sacrifice and doing something out of Love for another Human ...... that's got a lot of street cred

I'd also talk about the attachment issues your wife may face just to be prepared , some psychological preparation also may pay off just to make sure when she see's another with the baby she carried it gives her joy .


wow when I started to type my comment there was no other comments and now I'm 16 .
I brought this up. I imagine there will be a lot of attachment with the child. Hell I could see me getting attachment. I remember feeling the baby kick with both my kids. I’m not sure what the feeling would be with someone else’s kid in there...
Old 10-09-2019, 09:35 AM
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Don't hate me for this but why in gods name don't they just adopt a child. I was adopted at day 3. There are so many kids out there that could have a good home by being adoted why would you want to go through all that where their are other options. I know this mother thing is strong, and some tend to go over board but thats involving your wife, you those two, and what in the course of the 9 months and god forbid it does not happen one of the other two is killed in a car accident or something none of us could imagen.

What you two are willing to do is Big. to say the least. If its right for you two go for it. but after carrying that child is your wife going to have issues letting it go. That will almost be like losing a child if she starts to feel that way later.

Mom and dad adopted me lose their first child. I was the replacement. They lost a girl. When I had issues in the marrage I took my daughter to my moms to live. She lived there till we got the divorce and my mom got attatched to her. Naturally my daughter after court was giving to her mom. When my wife was killed over night (were were not together) I came home quit my long distance job over night got a local job , got my daughter through highschool as soon as HS was finished my mom came in with the checkbook took my daughter right out the house. I didn't realize it then but that was my moms last chance at having a little girl. Thats a reality you need to think about. That happened three times. All three time I was the one that had to go pick up my daughter bring her back home and start all over with her. make sure you caught the 3 times and it being my mom. . NO SHIT> That won't even her child. that was mine but that bond a mom has never leaves. Is your wife going to be able to handle that later on. I'll say it again, what your thinking about doing is BIG. Are you sure you really want to start that bond only to see your wife go thought it like my mom did at the end. Just something to think about. Let your wife read this. I have no problem with her seeing what I wrote. There are feelings and emotions that is going to eat at her unless she is one of the strongest women alive. if she can honestly say she could do this without there being a void in her life afterwards you two have my blessing and my vote.

Last edited by liveaboard74; 10-09-2019 at 10:28 AM.
Old 10-09-2019, 09:35 AM
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I'll be brutally honest. I am selfish when it comes to my wife. I would not give my blessing. Too many complexities and what ifs not to mention mental, and psychological conflicts.

Examples

Lets say the child turns out to be less than perfectly healthy or is born with a defect. How will that effect the relationship between the genetic mother/father and your wife?
What if your wife lost the baby? How would that effect the relationship? Is that an additional stress on the pregnancy knowing past history is not 100% without complication?
Would your wife nurse the child as well? Pump and pass?
Explaining to child at a later date that its Aunt is actually its birth mother...

Some very awkward discussions that would need to take place. I personally question the wisdom behind surrogacy and agree that just because it can be done doesn't mean it should be. If it is to be done, best with complete strangers where the surrogate mother doesn't have to go through seeing the child she carried on a regular basis.

And here is one just for shock effect... Are you going to have conjugal visitation with your SIL while your wife is out of service carrying a baby for her? Only seems fair...

Oh, one more thought... if a test reveals potential for defect prior to birth, or your wife decides she wants to abort, what would the rights of her sister/BIL be? Better get a lawyer involved....

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