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Marriage Counseling...Worth it?

Old 04-17-2019, 06:00 AM
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Default Marriage Counseling...Worth it?

Anyone ever gone to marriage counseling and have it make a difference? I'm at the end of my rope with my wife, she sleeps all day when she gets home, does nothing around the house, and contributes nothing to the bills. Granted, she's pregnant, so I've been cutting her some slack about the house chores (which she never really kept up with anyway), but now we're down to literally doing nothing. She does work full time, but her entire income goes toward her student loans (or so I thought).

I've always been hesitant to combine our finances, so I just assumed she was keeping up with hers. Last night I discovered she's almost three months late on bills, to the tune of a few grand to get everything paid up. She blew up at me when I brought this to her attention, indicating that she doesn't think it's a big deal. Now "I'm trying to control her" by wanting to look at the rest of her finances to see just how bad this shitstorm is. I've got a feeling it's bad. Had another huge fight about it this morning, I anticipate this is how the foreseeable future will go.

PRO TIP to guys thinking about getting married: Don't do it. I love my wife, we get along great, always have...but I'm starting to resent her. The financial stuff seems like the final straw to me, but maybe I'm over-reacting? Anyone ever overcome something like this with their spouse? Her not taking paying bills seriously just has me completely bewildered.
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Old 04-17-2019, 06:03 AM
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how old are you? how long have yall been together, and how long have you been married? how far along is she in the pregnancy?

your to far invested to not give counseling a try, worst case scenario is it doesnt work!
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Old 04-17-2019, 06:06 AM
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Perhaps she is suffering from Depression? Maybe first step is medical then mental evaluation.
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Old 04-17-2019, 06:09 AM
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I have been through it. It’s not a miracle cure all. If you have issues around how to communicate it can help, if you are tired of the same crap and want out it won’t. It also won’t change who anyone is as a person.

Sounds like Ike you want out. I know there are kids involved any everyone worries about screwing them up with a divorce but you can screw them up just as much having them watch a unhappy marriage.

I mean come on, you won’t combine finances and are recommending to the younger guys not to get married? Admit it, you are over it.
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Old 04-17-2019, 06:11 AM
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Your "Pro Tip" is bullshit quite frankly - perhaps you just picked the wrong girl to marry.

How long did you date prior to marriage? I'm sure there were red flags that you ignored or didn't notice regarding financial habits. These kind of traits just don't appear from one day to the next.

You even mentioned you were hesitant to combine finances, which indicates you have known about this for a long time.
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Old 04-17-2019, 06:12 AM
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Being pregnant is not just a little condition. It sounds like you consider that a minor inconvenience for her when you don't realize she can be a completely different person during and hopefully not, after she's given birth! You also don't combine your finances? What are you not sure she's the real one? You're married and she's carrying your baby. Hard to tell from just a post but it sounds like you're not fully committed? Marriage counseling is going to be what you make it. If you go in with an open mind and really want things to work and can take some criticism, you'll air your problems and work on them together. Or you get pissed off, harden your position and things are doomed. It's pretty much in your hands. Good luck, I wish you well. Marriage is really, really, really tough, but a good one is precious & rewarding your whole life!
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Old 04-17-2019, 06:12 AM
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get a DNA test

shes got a boyfriend--- or a dope habit---
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Old 04-17-2019, 06:13 AM
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my marriage counselor was a 30 year old divorced single mom. She worked with us for about 3 or 4 months and then came in one appointment and said, I really don't think I can help you guys I'm going to recommend someone else. We got along fine, everything was ok, no money problems, there were just some personality differences mostly due to the way we were raised. My family was always loving and affectionate hugs and "I love yous" were routine. She was cold and distant. just kind of nonchalant about everything. Anyway, I guess because we weren't fighting all the time and didn't hate each other, the "counselor" felt like we were fine and didn't need any help. We were divorced 2 years later.

I would try it but I would find someone who is much more qualified than we found. I should have walked as soon as I found out she was a single mom. If you can't make your own marriage work how can you help me save mine?
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Old 04-17-2019, 06:15 AM
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Originally Posted by Rolandt03 View Post
how old are you? how long have yall been together, and how long have you been married? how far along is she in the pregnancy?

your to far invested to not give counseling a try, worst case scenario is it doesnt work!

I'm 31, she's 27. We've been together for almost 7 years, married for almost 3 years. Baby is due at the end of September. I know that complicated things quite a bit, and I messed up by having my head in the sand when it came to her finances. Thanks, we'll give it a shot. I just want to avoid being the spiritually broken mid 40's guy who just had half his stuff taken. I think what gets me the most is her attitude about all of it, as if it's all just no big deal and I'm acting crazy. Maybe I am acting crazy?
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Old 04-17-2019, 06:17 AM
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You better get that baby dna tested.
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Old 04-17-2019, 06:18 AM
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Counseling is what you make of it. If you both want to work things out, then it will likely help. If she doesn't want to change and you have to "drag" her there, then it will probably be a waste of time and money.
There are lots of different ways to handle joint finances, but IMO both parties keeping their financial affairs secret is rarely a move that results in long term harmony. She (and you of course) should be open about bills, debt, income, spending, etc.
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Old 04-17-2019, 06:20 AM
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Originally Posted by Hartwell Bum View Post
Anyone ever gone to marriage counseling and have it make a difference? I'm at the end of my rope with my wife, she sleeps all day when she gets home, does nothing around the house, and contributes nothing to the bills. Granted, she's pregnant, so I've been cutting her some slack about the house chores (which she never really kept up with anyway), but now we're down to literally doing nothing. She does work full time, but her entire income goes toward her student loans (or so I thought).

I've always been hesitant to combine our finances, so I just assumed she was keeping up with hers. Last night I discovered she's almost three months late on bills, to the tune of a few grand to get everything paid up. She blew up at me when I brought this to her attention, indicating that she doesn't think it's a big deal. Now "I'm trying to control her" by wanting to look at the rest of her finances to see just how bad this shitstorm is. I've got a feeling it's bad. Had another huge fight about it this morning, I anticipate this is how the foreseeable future will go.

PRO TIP to guys thinking about getting married: Don't do it. I love my wife, we get along great, always have...but I'm starting to resent her. The financial stuff seems like the final straw to me, but maybe I'm over-reacting? Anyone ever overcome something like this with their spouse? Her not taking paying bills seriously just has me completely bewildered.
Gonna need pics to determine if the marriage is worth saving.....
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Old 04-17-2019, 06:21 AM
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I know I'd never do it again.

Originally Posted by mskin314 View Post
Your "Pro Tip" is bullshit quite frankly - perhaps you just picked the wrong girl to marry.

How long did you date prior to marriage? I'm sure there were red flags that you ignored or didn't notice regarding financial habits. These kind of traits just don't appear from one day to the next.

You even mentioned you were hesitant to combine finances, which indicates you have known about this for a long time.
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Old 04-17-2019, 06:22 AM
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Did this with my EX-wife. Absolutely NOT worth it. If it's at that point anyhow, it's inevitably going to fail.
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Old 04-17-2019, 06:24 AM
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You think she sucks up all your money now. Wait until you move out when she has a baby of your to raise. Your going to need another job while she sits at home raising the kid.
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Old 04-17-2019, 06:24 AM
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Originally Posted by Zardoz View Post
Being pregnant is not just a little condition. It sounds like you consider that a minor inconvenience for her when you don't realize she can be a completely different person during and hopefully not, after she's given birth! You also don't combine your finances? What are you not sure she's the real one? You're married and she's carrying your baby. Hard to tell from just a post but it sounds like you're not fully committed? Marriage counseling is going to be what you make it. If you go in with an open mind and really want things to work and can take some criticism, you'll air your problems and work on them together. Or you get pissed off, harden your position and things are doomed. It's pretty much in your hands. Good luck, I wish you well. Marriage is really, really, really tough, but a good one is precious & rewarding your whole life!
I get that, and I've tried to be understanding. Maybe I'm wrong for not combining finances, I dunno. I'll go into it with an open mind, I guess my issue is she goes into defense mode any time she's criticized even in the slightest bit. Well that, and thinking not paying bills is no big deal. Blows my mind. My hope is that we can get past it with some counseling before anything deteriorates further.
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Old 04-17-2019, 06:28 AM
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It's fine to manage finances separate, but you should both at least have awareness (complete awareness) of the entire picture. Running completely independent finances is a recipe for disaster. Start the conversation by laying out all the stuff you take care of. Balances, account locations, due dates, etc. Perhaps she simply sucks at book keeping and it would be best for you to take that off her plate, which still giving her unquestioned control over a pot of $ that is completely discretionary.

Regarding fatigue and being pregnant. That comes with the territory. Give her complete slack there, and for a minimum of 6 months after the baby comes. Longer if she is breast feeding (possibly up to 14-15 months of feeding, plus several more to adjust, that's equally as tiring). I've got a 19 month old, and almost 3 year old. Things are just now getting back to normal. Also prepare yourself for absolute chaos regarding the baby related medical bills. If you happen to be on the state health plan, I can help you out there. Done it twice recently, and learned the hard way how to best navigate that. You are lucky in that most of the pregnancy + the delivery will all occur in the same plan year. This will keep everything under one out of pocket max for the year, and greatly simplify life.
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Old 04-17-2019, 06:28 AM
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Originally Posted by Hartwell Bum View Post
I'm 31, she's 27. We've been together for almost 7 years, married for almost 3 years. Baby is due at the end of September. I know that complicated things quite a bit, and I messed up by having my head in the sand when it came to her finances. Thanks, we'll give it a shot. I just want to avoid being the spiritually broken mid 40's guy who just had half his stuff taken. I think what gets me the most is her attitude about all of it, as if it's all just no big deal and I'm acting crazy. Maybe I am acting crazy?

it could be hormones from the pregnancy causing her to not be herself. gotta remember there is ALOT OF HORMONAL SHIT GOING ON THAT MAKES NO SENSE AND MEN WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND!

i would at least give counseling a it sometime especially at this point in the pregnancy.
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Old 04-17-2019, 06:28 AM
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I'm a clinical psychologist, and have worked in the mental health field since 1990. Thousands of patients seen for individual and couples/marital counseling. I have witnessed marital counseling save many marriages, and have seen marriage counseling solidify couples' determination to separate. It may seem trite to say this, but the best outcome predictor is whether *both* parties want to save the relationship.

OP, whether you and your wife stay together or not, your life is inextricably tied to hers due to the baby. Go into counseling with an open mind and willingness to compromise and change. Hopefully, your wife can do the same. If she won't go, attend by yourself.

You and your wife are the only ones to decide what to do with your marriage.

Good luck!

Last edited by DrDanH; 04-17-2019 at 11:32 AM.
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Old 04-17-2019, 06:29 AM
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You cannot fault her for working a full time job and trying to pay off her student loan debt, you knew she had the debt when you got married. If you do not agree with the strategy discuss it or pay it all off and be done with it.

What do you do to contribute around the house chore wise? You stated what she doesnt do, which is nothing now that she is pregnant and tired. Btw, that dynamic isnt going to get easier when she has a new born to take of. I assume since you both work full time any chores should/would be shared equally.
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