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Marriage Counseling...Worth it?

Old 04-17-2019, 07:18 AM
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https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/

Read it. A wife is a direct reflection of you. Work on yourself and get your Sh** together. Best marital advice I ever got.
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Old 04-17-2019, 07:21 AM
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The number of people on here who assume, as a baseline, that your wife is cheating on you and has managed to conceive with another man absolutely blows my mind.

I would take a long, hard thought about advice that starts there.
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Old 04-17-2019, 07:33 AM
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Couple of points: Our household bills are transparent, she knows what they are, and how much I make. I know how much she makes, and thought I knew what her bills were.

I make significantly more than her, so combining finances really never came up. Iím not, or I wasnít totally opposed to it, although Iím a bit wary about it now. Iíd say the hesitation was part not wanting to rock the boat, so to speak, and probably partly knowing sheís terrible with money. So no, her ability, or lack there of, to handle money is not a surprise.

No offense taken here, and I appreciate/understand the comments. I have scheduled an appointment with a marriage counselor, and perhaps my approach is the problem, I donít know.

Iím speaking out of frustration at this point, and I know the fact that sheís pregnant makes me look like an asshole. But Iím doing 99% of the work in our relationship now, including all cooking, housework, Yardwork, and taking care of our finances. I can work with the student debt, I can work with her not making much money. I donít mind doing housework, especially while sheís pregnant. The surprise, Iím 3 months behind on my credit card payment and medical bills(which I didnít know about), just seemed like too much of a kick in the nuts. Not thinking it was a big deal just made my head explode.

Perhaps Iím venting more than anything here, but Iíve gleaned some good insight from time to time from this site, so thanks for the input.
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Old 04-17-2019, 07:34 AM
  #44  
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OP, give counseling a shot, but go through a Christian counselor. No offense to those who are not Christians. The reason I say this is because they can help you get your spiritual lives straight which will help in the physical. I am not saying you are or aren’t spiritually sound. I’m just saying that the closer the both of you get to God and open yourself up to him the more he will change you to be a better husband for her and vice versa. Now this is a woman’s view on this. She is pregnant and has a lot of hormonal things going on. That does not give her a complete pass though. I worked a 40 hour a week job all the way till my last week of pregnancy. Yes, I was exhausted some days to the point of not lifting a finger to do things but that’s not an everyday excuse. There maybe an underlying issue concerning her pregnancy that’s causing her to be extremely fatigued. I would suggest she speak with her OB about it. Also, give her some slack after the baby is born. Her hormones will be out of whack for quite some time and she will be exhausted from not much sleep and just the added stress of being responsible for the baby. Do what you can to help her even if it’s to watch the baby for her to shower, cook or take a nap. As far as your finances, now that’s a different story. You can keep them separate or combined but I’m in total agreement that bills should be paid either early or at least on time, never late. Calmly talk to her and ask what can y’all do together to get those loans paid off. It will reduce a lot of the stress. Apparently you love your wife and want your marriage to work. Even if she chooses not to go to counseling, do not give up. You made a vow to her to stay together in good or bad times. I pray it all works out.
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Old 04-17-2019, 07:37 AM
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I went through 11 years of it, last session I announced I was done and left. Divorce is expensive, but I would have more money to give her if we hadn't spent all that money on counseling.
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Old 04-17-2019, 07:39 AM
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Originally Posted by Hartwell Bum View Post
Couple of points: Our household bills are transparent, she knows what they are, and how much I make. I know how much she makes, and thought I knew what her bills were.

I make significantly more than her, so combining finances really never came up. Iím not, or I wasnít opposed to it, although Iím a bit wary about it now.

No offense taken here, and I appreciate/understand the comments. I have scheduled an appointment with a marriage counselor, and perhaps my approach is the problem, I donít know.

Iím speaking out of frustration at this point, and I know the fact that sheís pregnant makes me look like an asshole. But Iím doing 99% of the work in our relationship now, including all cooking, housework, Yardwork, and taking care of our finances. I can work with the student debt, I can work with her not making much money. I donít mind doing housework, especially while sheís pregnant. The surprise, Iím 3 months behind on my credit card payment and medical bills(which I didnít know about), just seemed like too much of a kick in the nuts. Not thinking it was a big deal just made my head explode.

Perhaps Iím venting more than anything here, but Iíve gleaned some good insight from time to time from this site, so thanks for the input.
But does she? I mean, theoretically I do as well. But practically? No real clue. I know that we have a mortgage, cars, insurance, all that and those I know. But the day to day? No idea. Our credit card bill? Never seen it.

Why? Because my wife is like you and the concept of missing a payment makes her head explode. I just forget it's due in the first place - and then get embarrassed when I miss it.

But you want to know what? Missing a payment is, objectively, not important. Is it good? No, of course not. Worse case you end up with a ding on your credit score. Which goes away. I'm about as irresponsible as you can possibly be financially and I'm sitting here with a pretty much perfect credit score. Why? Because my wife and I worked as a team to find a way that WE could be successful together.

A person's credit score does not determine who they are as a person.
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Old 04-17-2019, 07:40 AM
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Marriage counselling is cheap compared to divorce, especially since you have a child on the way.

But that aside, you're an idiot. Thank f#ck you're cutting her some slack while she's a growing a baby inside her and the thing is hanging by her ribs and kicking her kidneys. Have a healthy dialogue about finances about what is OK, and what isn't. Read a book, find something that works. My wife does our finances and I couldn't be happier. Your PRO TIP is chicken sh!t. If you love your wife you'd pick up the slack while she's not herself and wouldn't resent her. It's a marriage....a union between two people. You have to work together. What's going to happen when that baby comes? Are you going to expect her to do everything or are you going to come back to THT and whine about it some more?
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Old 04-17-2019, 07:41 AM
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Marriage isn't always 50-50. Sometimes it is 80-20. Or 90-10.
Sounds like now is the time for you to put in the 80 or 90.
Youre on the cusp of holding in your hands what life is all about. That baby. A life.

If she's working, I wouldn't label her lazy. My guess is she's likely more fatigued since she's pregnant. Hormones are raging and her body is changing, along with her self image. Maybe she used the student loan money for some clothes that are more flattering. That's a legitimate expense for a pregnant woman
As to keeping separate finances, nothing wrong with that. We did that early in our marriage, proportional to each of our incomes. Find out why she didn't keep up with the bills. Understand her answer.
Some times marriage is work. I've been working on mine 40 years.
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Old 04-17-2019, 07:45 AM
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It's tough to comment, as we can only share our personal experiences, whether positive or not-so-positive. My experience with marriage has been positive. I'm the same age as you, and my daughter just turned one. A few things stand out to me that have potential to compound even the smallest of issues, culminating in a huge strain on your relationship. Only you can decide if and how you can deal with it.

You mentioned your wife is pregnant. Her emotions and feelings are very different now than they were before the pregnancy, and that is completely out of her control. She will be tired, because all of her energy is going toward growing the baby, and she may very well have some feelings of depression or uncertainty that she has no idea how to cope with. Keep this in mind and be sensitive to it when you are talking with her.

You've been together seven years. This is a phase in relationships that is historically difficult. There is a whole chapter dedicated to it in Psychology 101...

This financial situation is a huge deal, and it is also very subjective. What works for some couples doesn't work for others. For me and my wife, there was no question that combining our finances was the way to go. We are one unit, we both contribute to our goals and share in our successes. Neither of us had much when we got married, so it was easy to go all in and work together to achieve our goals. Every situation is different.

My advice...don't cut and run just yet. Try to have an honest, unheated discussion, and don't force the issue yet. You're both in an extremely stressful phase of life, and you need to be realistic in terms of your expectations, especially during pregnancy and parenthood. Unfortunately, the first year of parenthood will test your relationship more than anything. If you think counseling may be the answer, start going yourself. Get your mind level, then work on the nuances of your relationship.

Best of luck to you. I sincerely hope your wife isn't crazy, and that you're just dealing with the normal stress of going through life with someone else.
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Old 04-17-2019, 07:47 AM
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There are a lot of people here who have never heard the words, "You're trying to control me" when you're dealing with a lazy woman who is saying she pays her bills and isn't.

I lived it. It's the nail-in-the-box for divorce. It's how they rationalize taking from you. He's not trying to control her. He's trying to figure out how a person who works full time can be so lazy and not pay her bills and then lie about it.

Sorry. But that's the fact of the matter. My life would have gone EXACTLY down the hole that this guy is heading if I had a kid with my first wife. It's like the Lord sent me this thread. It sucks. But that's the reality of it. Women, almost every time, go to counseling because they need to justify that they "tried to save it" -- and they think (often incorrectly) that it will net them more $$$ when distribution and support come to play.
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Old 04-17-2019, 07:49 AM
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For the record, I, 100% want to be wrong. Perhaps her medical insurance will pay for psychological testing for some kind of pregnancy depression?
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Old 04-17-2019, 07:50 AM
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Originally Posted by luckymonkey View Post
Marriage counselling is cheap compared to divorce, especially since you have a child on the way.

But that aside, you're an idiot. Thank f#ck you're cutting her some slack while she's a growing a baby inside her and the thing is hanging by her ribs and kicking her kidneys. Have a healthy dialogue about finances about what is OK, and what isn't. Read a book, find something that works. My wife does our finances and I couldn't be happier. Your PRO TIP is chicken sh!t. If you love your wife you'd pick up the slack while she's not herself and wouldn't resent her. It's a marriage....a union between two people. You have to work together. What's going to happen when that baby comes? Are you going to expect her to do everything or are you going to come back to THT and whine about it some more?
What gives the impression Iím expecting her to do everything now? Your wife does your finances and you couldnít be happier, huh? I guess the hell so, Iíd be pretty happy with that arrangement too.

I donít mind the harsh criticism, but Iíd rather not get into the name calling.
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Old 04-17-2019, 07:56 AM
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As a divorce attorney I will offer this:
It would be foolish to throw in the towel without at least giving marriage counseling a try.
Also, no permanent decisions should be made until your child is born. Pregnant women be crazy.
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Old 04-17-2019, 08:00 AM
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Originally Posted by superjag View Post
Pregnant women be crazy.
LOL Do you use that in court?
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Old 04-17-2019, 08:06 AM
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Marriage counseling only works if both parties sincerely want to mend the relationship whereas many folks are really looking for affirmation of a perceived problem, or assignment of blame - then it is a waste of money and time. I agree with the others here that said you need to give a pregnant wife some serious slack when it comes to her current behavior, and that should continue for a time after the delivery. That said, my own (ex) wife was one of those who considered her marital mission as "over" after she had kids. She went from being a wife to a mom and considered herself all but absolved of all other marital, economic, and eventually household responsibilities. If your spouse is this personality type you should take action, but not while she is pregnant IMO.
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Old 04-17-2019, 08:06 AM
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Alleviate the variables, work hard at saving the marriage and if you have given 100% and it still isn't working then move on.
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Last edited by Brett1; 04-17-2019 at 10:59 AM.
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Old 04-17-2019, 08:07 AM
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The answer is straight forward and simple.

Counseling ONLY works if both people are open to:
A. Admitting they are at fault (Both will share fault)
B. Willing to fully open up (nothing unsaid)
C. Accept and work on what issues the Counselor suggest. (mandatory)

John
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Old 04-17-2019, 08:09 AM
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Originally Posted by OldPete View Post
For the record, I, 100% want to be wrong. Perhaps her medical insurance will pay for psychological testing for some kind of pregnancy depression?
probably not a bad idea. To speak to your previous post, thatís kind of the rub...some of these bills are from before we found out she was pregnant too. One of them was for $9. $9!

In my mind, thatís justification for taking over all bill paying, which is met with accusations of controlling her. Iíve scheduled the counseling appt, so I hope we can come to a resolution through that. I want to make it work, but simply cannot help feeling...I dunno, maybe taken advantage of?
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Old 04-17-2019, 08:11 AM
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Originally Posted by Hartwell Bum View Post
I'm 31, she's 27. We've been together for almost 7 years, married for almost 3 years. Baby is due at the end of September. I know that complicated things quite a bit, and I messed up by having my head in the sand when it came to her finances. Thanks, we'll give it a shot. I just want to avoid being the spiritually broken mid 40's guy who just had half his stuff taken. I think what gets me the most is her attitude about all of it, as if it's all just no big deal and I'm acting crazy. Maybe I am acting crazy?
Im 64. 40 year wedding anniversary in two weeks. Has it been all smooth sailing ? No. But we both wanted it to last and worked over the bumps and humps. You either want to make it work or you dont and thats relly what it comes down to.
PS- She dragged me to two marriage counselors. They both sided with my point of view which really pissed her off, but in the long run might have helped her see my point of view better. So give it a try.
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Old 04-17-2019, 08:17 AM
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Originally Posted by Hartwell Bum View Post


probably not a bad idea. To speak to your previous post, thatís kind of the rub...some of these bills are from before we found out she was pregnant too. One of them was for $9. $9!

In my mind, thatís justification for taking over all bill paying, which is met with accusations of controlling her. Iíve scheduled the counseling appt, so I hope we can come to a resolution through that. I want to make it work, but simply cannot help feeling...I dunno, maybe taken advantage of?
Holy hell batman.

Now you want to pick a fight with her about having a psychiatric evaluation?!?! You think the finances conversation went poorly?

I think your time would be better spent speaking with a counselor about your own control issues.

She's pregnant, not crazy.

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