Old 02-04-2010, 11:12 AM
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Default Super Bowl party guests you must avoid...

by Brett Smiley

Ideally, you’ll be surrounded by friends and legitimate football fans on Super Sunday. But too often a guest shows up who threatens to put a damper on an otherwise amazing event. Here are the eight biggest risks to your Super Sunday bliss:

8 The Vulture
He’s the first one to dive into each appetizer, he eats at a pace that makes feeding a competition, and he’ll shamelessly devour the last slice of pizza. Worse, this guy is usually a slob. When there’s one precious mozzarella stick left, he’ll grab it, and he won’t ask if anyone else wants it. Don’t do that. And if your friend is the vulture, don’t bring him to the party.

7 The Non-Fan
The non-fan is mostly harmless, but there’s a fine line. If the non-fan becomes vocal with his lack of interest in the game, or claims the commercials are the only interesting part of the spectacle, you must instruct this person to go home and watch reruns of the Golden Girls. That’s like showing up to a concert complaining that the band stinks.
The non-fan also refuses to put five bucks on a square in the pool because, “I don’t understand how this works — it’s stupid.” That said, the non-fan can be good company and completely respectable if he recognizes his limitations and just hangs out.

6 The Bandwagoner
The bandwagoner is the opposite of the non-fan — he cares too much. The problem is, this person is not a legitimate fan of the team that he’s rooting for. He may even show up to the party wearing a brand new jersey with the player du jour, possibly with the tag still attached. The guy won’t know the team history, and in many cases, he won’t even know who the team beat to get to the Super Bowl. And no, your friend from Massachusetts may not adopt the Saints because he went to Mardi Gras four years ago.

5 The Drunk
The drunk will plow through a six-pack before kickoff and will probably playing drinking games against himself. If you can convince this guy to kick it down a gear, he can be manageable, but it’s possible that by halftime the drunk will be stumbling around the party making loud, obnoxious comments. Interestingly, he gets overly excited by a simple draw play, but is too uncoordinated to celebrate a big score. Just keep an eye on this guy.

4 The Expert
It’s usually easy to spot the expert. He questions the merits of every single play-call and seems to think that his history degree combined with two years of junior varsity football has made him smarter than an NFL head coach. He will shout out the expected play before each snap, and when he finally gets a play correct after his eighth try, he will nod obnoxiously, waiting for the room to acknowledge his genius. Don’t make eye contact with the expert — it will only encourage him. This guy is also a backseat driver and a sore loser.

3 The Eclipse
Like the moon passing in front of the sun, this guy has a rare ability to block your view of the TV at critical moments in the game. The occassional oops is understandable, but you’ll know you’re dealing with an “eclipse” if you start noticing when this guy begins wiggling out of his seat to make a move.

2 The Inquirer
The inquirer has a lot of questions and goes beyond a healthy curiosity. He’ll pepper the group with questions, causing mass distraction and generally make himself sound like an idiot. This person may actually be the tagalong girlfriend with your friend who is whipped. The questions may range from the basic annoyance — why do they call it football if they don’t use their feet — to the sublime, e.g., where does the centerfielder play?
The way to handle this person is to give outrageous answers so the person realizes they’re being ridiculed — or your friend does –and ushers his girlfriend away.

1 The Guy That Just Won’t Shut Up
This guy is a threat level red. He’s most likely an acquaintance, a friend of a friend, or someone you didn’t know prior to Sunday. He may seem innocuous at first, but he’s a bit too chatty and persistently talks and expects your attention during plays. You were friendly at first, but this guy is just too much.
Save chivalry for another day. You need to break up with this guy. Just ignore him — he’ll take the hint. This is your Sunday. Own it.

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