 Texas chili cook-off
e-mail a friend sent me:
>> Chili Cook-Off
>>
>>
>> If you can read this whole story without laughing,
>> then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.
>>
>>
>>
>> This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili
>> cook-off in
>> Texas.
>>
>> Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to
>> the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even
>> better. In Texas, they actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time
>> Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot
>> at the San Antonio City Park.
>>
>> Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Chuck, who was
>> visiting
>> from Pinehurst, NC.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Chuck: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
>> cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and
>> I happened to be standing there at The judge's table, asking
>> for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
>> assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
>> wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have
>> free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."
>>
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>>
>> Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
>>
>> CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
>>
>> Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
>>
>> Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>>
>> Judge # 3 (Chuck) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You
>> could
>> remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
>> flames
>> out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>>
>> CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
>>
>> Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
>>
>> Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
>> seriously.
>>
>> Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
>> what I'm
>> supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
>> wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
>> beer when they saw the look on my face.
>>
>> CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
>>
>> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
>>
>> Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
>>
>> Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
>> feels
>> like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
>> Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
>> my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced
>> from all of the beer.
>>
>> CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
>>
>> Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>>
>> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
>> fish or
>> other mild foods, not much of a chili.
>>
>> Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
>> unable to
>> taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer
>> maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman
>> is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating!
>> Is chili an aphrodisiac?
>>
>> CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
>>
>> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
>> adding
>> considerable kick. Very impressive.
>>
>> Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
>> admit
>> the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>>
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>>
>> Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
>> and I
>> can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me
>> needed
>> paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
>> chili
>> had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
>> pouring
>> beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
>> off.
>> It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop
>> screaming.
>> Screw them.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> `
>> CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
>>
>> Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
>> spices and peppers.
>>
>> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
>> garlic.
>> Superb.
>>
>> Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
>> gaseous,
>> sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried
>> it will
>> eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
>> except that
>> Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow
>> cone.
>>
>> CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
>>
>> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
>> peppers.
>>
>> Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
>> of
>> chili peppers at the last moment.
>>
>> ***I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears
>> to be
>> a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
>>
>> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and
>> I
>> wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
>> sounds
>> like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili,
>> which
>> slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
>> shirt.
>> At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
>> decided to
>> stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any
>> oxygen
>> anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole
>> in my
>> stomach.
>>
>> CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
>>
>> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not
>> too bold
>> but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>>
>> Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
>> mild nor
>> hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
>> passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
>> himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how
>> he'd have reacted to really hot
>> Chili?
>>
>> Judge # 3 - No Report
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