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Random Quote: Beauty is in the eyes of the beer holder.
The captain of a famous English warship was patrolling off the Spanish main. Suddenly the first mate burst into the captain's quarters and relays that the man on watch reports one enemy ship has been sighted directly in the course of the ship.
The captain replies, "get my red shirt ready".
"Why?" asks the first mate.
"Because if I am wounded in battle I don't want the men to see me bleeding and then give up in the battle."
Of course they won the engagement and resumed their patrol.
One month later the first mate bursts into the captain's quarters.
"Sir 17 enemy ships have been sighted directly on course for our ship".
The captain of a famous English warship was patrolling off the Spanish main. Suddenly the first mate burst into the captain's quarters and relays that the man on watch reports one enemy ship has been sighted directly in the course of the ship.
The captain replies, "get my red shirt ready".
"Why?" asks the first mate.
"Because if I am wounded in battle I don't want the men to see me bleeding and then give up in the battle."
Of course they won the engagement and resumed their patrol.
One month later the first mate bursts into the captain's quarters.
"Sir 17 enemy ships have been sighted directly on course for our ship".
Girl walks into a bar with a duck under one arm. Baternder looks up and says "nice pig" The girl says " Its a duck, not a pig" Bartender says " I was talking to the duck"...
__________________ Baitkiller= Accredited Marine Surveyor
Bait fear me, fish just laugh.....
The little Dutch boy was just buying time...
How many members of the Bush administration does it
take to change a light bulb?
1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed;
2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light
bulb needs to be changed;
3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb;
4. One to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have
a secret stockpile of light bulbs;
5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton
for the new light bulb;
6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a
janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner: Light
Bulb Change Accomplished;
7. One administration insider to resign and write a book
documenting in detail how Bush was literally in the dark;
8. One to viciously smear #7;
9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies about
how George has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all
along;
10. And finally, one to confuse Americans about the
difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the
country.
A koala is sitting up in a gum tree ... smoking a joint
when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says,
"Hey Koala ! What are you doing?"
The koala says:
"Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard:
"What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says " Hey you!"
How about the one about the guy that bought a popular 19' bow rider, financed 100% of it for 20 years, then tried to sell it two years later before it went to repo...
Oh wait a minute...That's not funny...It hits some too close to home.
A bunch of Bubbas are sitting in their favorite bar when a stranger walks in. Worried about the newcomer, one of the Bubbas walks over to the stranger and introduces himself. "What do you do?" he asks the stranger. The stranger replies "I'm a Taxidermist." The Bubba asks "What does a taxidermist do?" The stranger replies "I mount animals." The Bubba hollers back to his friends "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"
Here is the best one I have heard in ages and it was posted by Ludicrous in the Dockside chat...
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him
and say hello.
He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you Know me?" To which she replies, "I think your the father
of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his
wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I had
on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my
butt with wet celery?"
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's
math teacher."
I need a funny joke 
