Dockside Chat - Health Problem

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View Full Version : Health Problem


HOTSPOT
03-29-2012, 12:48 PM
I have been experiencing massive gas attacks in the last few months. No just gas either, I'm talking methane enriched pure tee stank farts. I'm beginning to worry a little. It comes in waves and I never know when it will hit me. I was down at Billy Mack's Gas Station and Nail Salon last week, just shooting the breeze and something vile exploded from my ass. It was embarrassing as hell.

The wife knows not to ruffle the covers at night, otherwise we both may die from toxic inhalation. We go shopping at Wal-Mart and I keep reminding her to walk in front of me, for her own well being. As I spray the isles, I hear complaints in a language I don’t understand.

The one vehicle we own that has cloth seats will probably have to be burned. I’ve tried everything to get the stank out, ain’t happen’n.

I had to type this up and save it so I could post it without being in pain as I try to lock down the sneeze muscle as best I can.

Any ideas brothers?

Thanks,


aln
03-29-2012, 12:51 PM
stop smoking....

Snapper Head
03-29-2012, 12:51 PM
A quart of Metamucil, twice a day, for a week.




































































Or buy a lighter.:grin:


Big Al


Schmaltz~Herring
03-29-2012, 12:55 PM
You are disinvited from the Bahama party! :o

jobowker
03-29-2012, 12:55 PM
Quit chewing gum, and take it easy the fiber and protein.

If they smell really bad, you're taking too long to poop. After dropping a deuce, they will be virtually stink free for the next couple of hours.

HOTSPOT
03-29-2012, 12:56 PM
You are disinvited from the Bahama party! :o

I'll have it all fixed by then dude.......

Marlin009
03-29-2012, 12:56 PM
Sounds pretty normal to me except for the nail salon thing.

We have a small dog, about five pounds, and I've shot him off the bed a few times.

HOTSPOT
03-29-2012, 12:57 PM
Or buy a lighter.:grin:


Big Al

Dude, I ain't got the nerve to try lighting one of these wall papaer rippers

HOTSPOT
03-29-2012, 12:59 PM
Sounds pretty normal to me except for the nail salon thing.

We have a small dog, about five pounds, and I've shot him off the bed a few times.

Sound like you have substaintial pressure as well. How do you deal with this in public?

Marlin009
03-29-2012, 01:01 PM
Sound like you have substaintial pressure as well. How do you deal with this in public?


I rip one off and then look at my wife (or whoever is nearest to me) and say "WTF dude, if yer sick, go to the hospital". :grin:

Schmaltz~Herring
03-29-2012, 01:05 PM
Each volley of farts consists of about 9 percent carbon dioxide and 7 percent methane, two gases that contribute to global warming.

HOTSPOT
03-29-2012, 01:05 PM
I rip one off and then look at my wife (or whoever is nearest to me) and say "WTF dude, if yer sick, go to the hospital". :grin:

Got it. I'll try that at the gym tonight. I'll blame it on one of the muscle heads.:thumbsup:

DoubleO7
03-29-2012, 01:05 PM
Just buy a moped, a hose and a LP conversion kit.
You got the methane.

HOTSPOT
03-29-2012, 01:05 PM
Each volley of farts consists of about 9 percent carbon dioxide and 7 percent methane, two gases that contribute to global warming.

Am I in violation of some EPA crap now?

airbrush
03-29-2012, 01:06 PM
Always have a dog with you to blame.

Snapper Head
03-29-2012, 01:06 PM
Sound like you have substaintial pressure as well. How do you deal with this in public?

Matt is not allowed in public.:grin:

He has melted the cheap paneling inside a trailer at the fish camp. I have not been able to grow any nasal hair since that incident.:grin:


Big Al

baypro21
03-29-2012, 01:06 PM
http://www.thehulltruth.com/members/baypro21-albums-baypro21-picture58754-beano.jpg

:thumbsup:

Schmaltz~Herring
03-29-2012, 01:07 PM
http://media1.break.com/dnet/media/2008/3/30mar5-keep-on-farting.jpg

HOTSPOT
03-29-2012, 01:09 PM
Matt is not allowed in public.:grin:

He has melted the cheap paneling inside a trailer at the fish camp. I have not been able to grow any nasal hair since that incident.:grin:


Big Al

Damn...good to know I am not alone in this struggle to control my flatulence.

So I need to get a dog, some Metamucil, and Beano.

Blythe1022
03-29-2012, 01:10 PM
I don't know where in NC you are but I would prefer it if you don't get in the same elevator as me until you've fixed the problem.

HOTSPOT
03-29-2012, 01:12 PM
I don't know where in NC you are but I would prefer it if you don't get in the same elevator as me until you've fixed the problem.

Alas..I have been told I cannot use the elevators in the building after last week's incident.

ERG153
03-29-2012, 01:14 PM
I laughed so hard at this I FOL'd.

HOTSPOT
03-29-2012, 01:15 PM
I laughed so hard at this I FOL'd.

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

Marlin009
03-29-2012, 01:15 PM
Matt is not allowed in public.:grin:

He has melted the cheap paneling inside a trailer at the fish camp. I have not been able to grow any nasal hair since that incident.:grin:


Big Al

When I returned the rental car the guy got in and immediately started heaving. Hertz put me on some list. :grin:

HOTSPOT
03-29-2012, 01:18 PM
When I returned the rental car the guy got in and immediately started heaving. Hertz put me on some list. :grin:

Damn...I feel for you brother.

I have been told that trying to hold it back is not heathly as the gas will eventually turn to a solid and gain momentum. Any thoughts?

Marlin009
03-29-2012, 01:24 PM
Damn...I feel for you brother.

I have been told that trying to hold it back is not heathly as the gas will eventually turn to a solid and gain momentum. Any thoughts?

Two:

1) there is no holding it back

2) see #1.

If you did manage to control it, I think it turns into tannerite. :o

HOTSPOT
03-29-2012, 01:26 PM
Two:

1) there is no holding it back

2) see #1.

If you did manage to control it, I think it turns into tannerite. :o

Thanks for the advice man. I'm on my way home in the poor Civic. Windows down and 75mph does no good.

cedarholm
03-29-2012, 01:27 PM
Am I in violation of some EPA crap now?

Not yet.

But you do need a permit.

Hell, maybe you can score a 'Biofuel subsidy'.

In the meantime, a pilot light would be in order.

cedarholm
03-29-2012, 01:29 PM
When I returned the rental car the guy got in and immediately started heaving. Hertz put me on some list. :grin:

Switch to Enterprise, all their drivers are Somalian.

Dulcecita Lures
03-29-2012, 01:31 PM
Hotspot - could you come by my building? I need you to "air condition" the elevator, and then send it up to the Execs on the 6th floor. Thanks!

bellsisland
03-29-2012, 01:42 PM
crohns?

Bugbuster
03-29-2012, 02:42 PM
I can stand the funk, but what I hate is when I sneeze and a fart comes out and it tears a little bit. HS, I got an idea, what about............................................. ..................


http://i117.photobucket.com/albums/o48/looker12/abp.jpg

Schmaltz~Herring
03-29-2012, 03:22 PM
Secretary Chu should be right over with a check for your alternative energy subsidy.

ThreeLittleFish
03-29-2012, 05:04 PM
That sounds like what happened to my friend. Part of his lower intestine and bowel dies from an embolism and his farts were rank. He felt normal though. He had to be operated on and now wears a colostomy bag.

4/0
03-29-2012, 05:14 PM
I said this before, glad your'e back :thumbsup:


Butch

4/0
03-29-2012, 05:18 PM
That sounds like what happened to my friend. Part of his lower intestine and bowel dies from an embolism and his farts were rank. He felt normal though. He had to be operated on and now wears a colostomy bag.


Had a good friend who got hit by a 20 mm. Had a bag, in later years we and some buddys would get drunk and he would eat beans ................

Good days they were.


Butch

Fish'nFool
03-29-2012, 06:05 PM
My wife says I fart a lot. Can't say that I've noticed... She says I smell really bad. I admitted to her that I like the smell. Is that wrong?

rudetruth
03-29-2012, 06:09 PM
Heard a girl on the radio,young hot and blonde she self described.
On that all protien diet,meat,cheese,all carb?
Said her farts smelled like the swamp at low tide but she was so
hot the guy's put up with it.
Note:Guy's they fell like dominoes.......

triumphrick
03-29-2012, 06:20 PM
Dude....here is a project that I have been working on for years now...

You need one of these...230883 ACME fart carb..

And lots of really stinky farts...and in that Civic, it can be easily canned, filtered, enhanced and pumped to that baby...just don't stop that gas...

The only problem I have yet to work out, is how do we get someone to ride in there with you to make sure it works???????

I think our buddy Matt might want to step in about now and volunteer....:grin:

ERG153
03-29-2012, 06:27 PM
My wife says I fart a lot. Can't say that I've noticed... She says I smell really bad. I admitted to her that I like the smell. Is that wrong?

I just FOL'd again. :banghead:

Mardi-Gras
03-29-2012, 06:50 PM
You are good with hand tools, just need a moped and a few tweaks and think of the diesel/gas money you will save......

CaptWill
03-29-2012, 06:57 PM
Lots of funny posts on this thread, lol, but on a serious note, I am thinking that your intestines are not working right; e.g. not completely digesting food. You may have Celiac. If you do, it will only get worse. I recommend a trip to a gastroenterologist.

Marlin009
03-29-2012, 07:09 PM
Dude....here is a project that I have been working on for years now...

You need one of these...230883 ACME fart carb..

And lots of really stinky farts...and in that Civic, it can be easily canned, filtered, enhanced and pumped to that baby...just don't stop that gas...

The only problem I have yet to work out, is how do we get someone to ride in there with you to make sure it works???????

I think our buddy Matt might want to step in about now and volunteer....:grin:


You invented it, you test it. :nono:

One trip to Tijuana Flats would melt that setup. :grin:

HOTSPOT
03-30-2012, 04:30 AM
Not yet.

But you do need a permit.

Hell, maybe you can score a 'Biofuel subsidy'.

In the meantime, a pilot light would be in order.

Hotspot - could you come by my building? I need you to "air condition" the elevator, and then send it up to the Execs on the 6th floor. Thanks!

I can stand the funk, but what I hate is when I sneeze and a fart comes out and it tears a little bit. HS, I got an idea, what about............................................. ..................


http://i117.photobucket.com/albums/o48/looker12/abp.jpg

Pilot light check, spray exec floor check, but no blocking devices.....lol

HOTSPOT
03-30-2012, 04:31 AM
I just FOL'd again. :banghead:

Can you post a link where this can be purchased?

HOTSPOT
03-30-2012, 04:38 AM
When you get a letter from the neighborhood HOA about sewer smells from your property and striped boxers hanging on the clothes line, it might be time to seek professional help.

I thought about the ozone damage and decided to call the EPA. They instructed me to "send a sample" so I attempted to capture some in a 2 liter mountain lion bottle. Too much pressure. Blew the bottom out of the bottle. How to reduce pressure? I had some old propane parts, so I started fabricating a device that may help.

I took a pressure regulator, some hose, and some fittings. I now have a rig that will reduce pressure and aid in safely filling the 2 liter bottle. All I need now is a friend with a blindfold and a Quaalude to help me.

Tireless
03-30-2012, 05:05 AM
When you get a letter from the neighborhood HOA about sewer smells from your property and striped boxers hanging on the clothes line, it might be time to seek professional help.

I thought about the ozone damage and decided to call the EPA. They instructed me to "send a sample" so I attempted to capture some in a 2 liter mountain lion bottle. Too much pressure. Blew the bottom out of the bottle. How to reduce pressure? I had some old propane parts, so I started fabricating a device that may help.

I took a pressure regulator, some hose, and some fittings. I now have a rig that will reduce pressure and aid in safely filling the 2 liter bottle. All I need now is a friend with a blindfold and a Quaalude to help me.
I can see the headlines......

"The EPA regional office in NC was closed due to concerns over a breach in the laboratory safety equipment. Earlier today the entire NC EPA staff was overwhelmed by toxic fumes emanating from the lab. EPA employees were seen retching outside of the building. Many employees appeared to be unconscious. HAZMAT teams attempted to enter the building but were also stricken by the toxic fumes. President BO and his staff are considering the use of a magnesium bomb loaded with Thermit to evaporate the facility before the toxic flume spreads much further. The vegetation around the building has already wilted and it appears the paint is separating from the exterior walls of the structure. More on this at 6."

ReelNauti
03-30-2012, 05:19 AM
Reading this thread made me fart.

HOTSPOT
03-30-2012, 05:19 AM
I can see the headlines......

"The EPA regional office in NC was closed due to concerns over a breach in the laboratory safety equipment. Earlier today the entire NC EPA staff was overwhelmed by toxic fumes emanating from the lab. EPA employees were seen retching outside of the building. Many employees appeared to be unconscious. HAZMAT teams attempted to enter the building but were also stricken by the toxic fumes. President BO and his staff are considering the use of a magnesium bomb loaded with Thermit to evaporate the facility before the toxic flume spreads much further. The vegetation around the building has already wilted and it appears the paint is separating from the exterior walls of the structure. More on this at 6."

Damn, reconsidering sending it in now. Should I put some kinda warning label on the bottle Dave?

Tireless
03-30-2012, 05:22 AM
Damn, reconsidering sending it in now. Should I put some kinda warning label on the bottle Dave?

No label will stay on the bottle containing the "invisible death cloud".

Snapper Head
03-30-2012, 06:11 AM
. All I need now is a friend with a blindfold and a Quaalude to help me.

You know I got yer back, brotha.

See you in a few hours, after I stop by HAZMAT iz us.


Big Al

HOTSPOT
03-30-2012, 08:26 AM
You know I got yer back, brotha.

See you in a few hours, after I stop by HAZMAT iz us.


Big Al

10-4 home slice...I found your bong btw and will have it ready

Snapper Head
03-30-2012, 01:36 PM
10-4 home slice...I found your bong btw and will have it ready

Sounds good, but I might be afraid to light a match.:grin:


Big Al



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